#autotherapy

Memory.

What is your first memory?

I do not know mine.

Since I was elven life has been a neverending cycle of being and forgetting for me. I would live, the time would pass, I would grow, change schools, fall in love, forget. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. In the space between there would always be a summer camp to keep my gears running, a two week or month long workout, a rest for the mind constantly living under pressure of school and family. It was almost like being someone else during these times in between.

I wasn’t paying that much attention to it or rather I was trying to avoid thinking about it. I am terrified of how many things I’ve forgotten. Good things, bad things, important and meaningless ones. They are all somewhere in my head, at least some of them I believe. But I constantly have access to only a chosen few. Only some highlights of my life, rarely do I remember something as a whole, in context...

My memories are usually in third person. Which only means they aren’t really memories but rather my own imagined pictures of these memories. I stand beside myself, I look at the room, the forest, the lake, my parent’s house. I change perspectives, I can see faces and sceneries. If I have photos I can almost drown myself inside of them. But am I remembering or am I just imagining how it went?

I have flashbacks. Sometimes. I do not know if I would call them flashbacks, really. They are feelings, voices that do not speak comprehensible words but rather tunes and emotions, movements, pain, tears, lightheadedness. Sometimes when I look at the old photos where I can see myself as I was when I was only 1 year old I feel like I can connect to that. If I close my eyes, if I let go of everything around me I can feel that moment inside of me. But I can’t think it. I can’t name it. I can’t talk about it. And I can’t remember because memories are strings of words and narrations that are somehow fiit into us - us as a whole.

I’m not whole at all.

There is fracturing inside of me. In my core. But on my surface as well. In my contradicting actions, facial and vocal expressions, words. I’m a paradox, I’m impossible. Sometimes, when I feel really bad, really really bad, the world feels fake. My body feels fake. My mind feels like I’ve manufcatured it. I can’t anchor myself to anything. There is here and now but who am I in that moment? Who are the people that matter to me? Who am I for them? Are we a family? Are we strangers pushed around by fate? By coincidences? Did we choose this or is it something else that pushed us into those constellations?

Questions remaining without answers.

I am oscillating between the past and the future and I cannot grab onto the present hard enough. It is a storm that has been swaying me, swaying my feelings, swaying my headspace. I am but a troubled and tired wanderer of my broken fantasies. A prisoner of my mind. A mourn at my own funeral.

One of the memories that for the longest time I believed to by my first was a memory of going down a small hill in a forest during the winter on a sleigh and falling flat on my face. I thought I remembered the tears, the pain, the redness of my face... How would I know my face was red? My nose? There wasn’t a mirror there. Did someone snap a photo? I haven’t seen it. Has my nose been red all the time until we returned to wherever we were sleeping? Or am I standing inside that memory and feeding myself a vision that never happened? At some point in that memory blood was running down my nose. But blood never run down my nose, it ran down my nose a few months ago after tonsillectomy. But before that? The blood is hot usually. Viscous. In the vision I had it all over my face. But that never happened.

So what happened? What the hell did happen?

I do know I fell from that sleigh during the winter. I’m not sure if my parents laughed at me or tried to console me. I was crying hard and I think they gave me their usual ‘come on, nothing happened’. Well, something happened for me...

So I thought this was my first memory. But a few years ago we were going through my old photos and I saw the pictures of my first birthday. And a video. They blew a lot of balloons for me. I really didn’t know what to do with them. We were staying at my great grandmother’s back then, my parent’s house was not even under construction yet. I was looking at it and I remembered distinctly a conversation my mother and grandmother were having. But I couldn’t understand a word. I would understand it now but since language is weird for children I guess I remember the sounds. I can’t recall it at the moment but I’m sure it was a memory when it hit me.

I learnt to speak fairly early into my life. At least that’s what my parents told me my whole life. I believe I could use sentences before I was two years old and I was pretty good with words. I wonder if I even knew what I was saying back then when I was saying things. I know I had some imagined words that had specific usage and my parents were trying to figure out what I was saying. One of them was ‘makapkat’ (sounding “mak-” as in the name “Mac”, “-kap-” as in “captain” and “kat” as in “cat”). I remember what it felt like to say that word but I don’t remember what I wanted to say. I’ve been told I used this word pointing at the wall near the sink. It is possible that I simply enjoyed what my mouth felt like when I was saying it.

I want to say that memory is becoming more and more important to me and the lack of memories is becoming more and more traumatizing. I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not know if it’s just the physiology in my brain that is not working right or trauma that is effectively blocking my memories. These factors do not rule out one another. It’s scary, especially when living in someone, being in an intimate relationship and just losing your memories with that person from 2, 3 years ago. Some of it is due to the fact that we went through a lot of stress and arguing in the past 5 years and it has for sure contributed to the fact that I forgot some things. But at the same time there were good memories we made. And they seem very distant right now.

00kniha, Ingrid Kepková and Viera Zubalová, Košice, 2016

Time-lapse experimental project by Ingrid Kepková and Viera Zubalová -  Diaries from summer 2015 set in the area of Kospace (Košice, Slovakia) symbolically closes the 12-month life cycle of young girls.

Notes were originaly published on the Tumblr blog where two authors independently added posts without signing them. Notes reflect on the psychic states of the “mad girls”, as well as the specific atmosphere they “sensed in the air” in the Košice city during the summer months. 

Notes were ilustrated by paintings, capturing natural phenomenons as Blue Moon, Persian Meteor Shower, summer storms and so on.

Material used for paniting bases were found on the streets of Kosice. Paintings were later installed back at these public spaces. Tumblr blog was deleted at the end od the project to “close the portal of the magical events”.

Cyklus 6+6 monotypií (120x120 cm a 30x30 cm) zobrazujúcich môj prerod počas šiestich rokov približne od ukončenia vysokej školy. Šesť tém, ktoré hýbu svetom, minimálne tým mojím, píšu môj životný príbeh, tvoria moje osobné mytológie. Šesť základných pocitov, stavov, ktoré sa ku mne cyklicky vracajú, prežívam ich a učím sa chápať, že toto som ja. Prijať sa a začať sa milovať.

The series of 6+6 monotypes (120x120 cm and 30x30 cm) represents my transformation over the six years from the end graduation from the university. Six themes that shape world, at least mine - my life story forming my personal mythologies. Six basic feelings returning to me in cycles. Experiencing myself and learning to understand that this is who I am. Accepting and starting to love myself.

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BES Moja Multipla II zobrazená za rýchlej jazdy - v rámci jej možností - za hromov a bleskov nočnej búrky. Keď ma celý svet sklame a cítim neutíchajúci hnev, keď by som najradšej niečo rozmliaždila alebo rozkopala, kričala, vrčala, ručala. Chcem mať môj život vo vlastných rukách a nenechať nim nikoho lomcovať, ako sa mu zachce. Už necítiť bezmoc. Tento resentiment poznajú všetci. Ja sa netvárim, že vo mne nie je. Nedržím ho v sebe, lebo by som vybuchla. Sadám si do auta a púšťam nahlas Marilyna Mansona. Moja agresia.

Veľká grafika - Fiat Multipla II

Malá grafika - Hnev

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ČLOVEČINA Chcem byť s ľuďmi, ale stretnutia ma vyčerpávajú. Keď sa im vyhýbam, mám úzkosti, paranoje. Keď komunikujem a stretávam sa, robím to húfne a potom som ovalená a nestíham spracovávať, opäť úzkosti a paranoje. Všetci alebo nikto. Každému sa páčim alebo každému vadím. Grafika zobrazuje dvadsaťjedna ľudí, ktorí sú pre môj život v tejto chvíli relevantní, dôležití, mám ich rada. Chcem sa s nimi rozprávať alebo stýkať, teší ma to, je to v živote tak veľmi dôležité. No niekedy to nie je ľahké. Pri niektorých to ani nie je možné, keďže tu už nie sú. Zobrazujem kôpku tvári vynárajúcich sa z ničoho, akoby z mojich spomienok. Usmievajú sa, ale ja mám aj tak zmiešané pocity. Môj partner, moja rodina, moji priatelia, moji známi. Moja sociálna úzkosť.

Veľká grafika - Človečina

Malá grafika - Otlačok mojej tváre

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RITUÁL Uvedomujem si, že keď tvorím rukami, je mi dobre. Užívam si dotyk s materiálom, jeho triedenie a usporadúvanie. Zháňam materiál z rôznych zdrojov, z druhej ruky, použitý, tak ma to najviac fascinuje - keď už má niečo za sebou, a to niečo mi napovedá, čo s nim mám ďalej urobiť. Čítam z neho vizuálny príbeh a v hlave sa mi vytvára zoznam možností, ako ho viem rôzne použiť. Upcyklácia mi dáva zmysel najviac. Má to dušu, je to ekologické, je to autentické a zaujímavé. Strihám, prekladám, lepím, zašívam, drôtujem a cínujem dokopy. V stave podobnom meditácii, ale v hlave mi to istým spôsobom šrotuje - čo s čím spojiť a ako by to vyzeralo najlepšie? Sústredené vnímanie kompozície, krásy, významu. Veľká snaha využiť materiál najlepšie v rámci možností. Sedím na zemi obklopená mojimi pokladmi - šperkami, bylinkami, papiermi, kameňmi, oblečením, náradím. Môj magický kruh prosperity a radosti. Drobná, jemná, ženská práca, ženský princíp, spomalenie, pokoj. Moje vnútorné uspokojenie.

Veľká grafika - Môj kruh

Malá grafika - Moje poklady

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FEMINITA Som silná žena, moje meno má silnú energiu. Niekedy som hovorila „ťažkú energiu“, ale dnes už nie. Som krásna a ľúbim sa. Pred pár rokmi som zažila veľmi zlé veci a dostala som sa z toho, za čo som na seba veľmi hrdá. Teraz som ešte silnejšia. Zanechalo to na mne mnohé stopy - fyzické zmeny, ale hlavne tie psychické. Teraz akoby som sa konečne dotýkala reality. Dostala som sa vďaka tomu bližšie k ženskosti, k prírode, prirodzenosti. Samozrejme, naďalej sa mením, učím a rozvíjam. Tak veľmi rada vidím dievčatá a ženy, ktoré sú tiež na tejto ceste. Je v nás toľko mágie. Moja kreatívna - sexuálna energia.

Veľká grafika - Ženská mágia

Malá grafika - Otlačok môjho zadku

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ŽIVOSŤ Vždy som vedela, že mám rada zvieratá, ale netušila som, ako milujem psov, kým som nespoznala Ernesta. Neutíchajúci zdroj radosti, energie a čírej divokosti. Chcela by som, aby ho poznal celý svet, aby mohol spôsobovať smiech všetkým ľuďom. Prišiel, keď mi bolo najhoršie. Ako on hovorí „síce mi nepomohol, ale aspoň sa dostal z útulku“. Učí ma, ako žiť s ľahkosťou, ako sa hýbať pre samotný pohyb, len tak, bez dôvodu. Dokáže sa smiať, krochkať a robiť kotrmelce. Je skôr ako nejaký škriatok než obyčajný pes. Do našej rodiny svojou divnosťou dokonale zapadol. V záhrade vyzerá ako drak lietajúci ponad paprade, strážiaci si svoje územie pred jeho najväčšími nepriateľmi - kocúrmi. Veľa sme ho nenaučili, ale zato sme sa s ním dokázali dohodnúť na jednom povele: „Ernest, voľný program!“. V jeho očiach sa ligoce živé striebro. Moja divokosť.

Veľká grafika - Ernest

Malá grafika - Beh - spoluautor pes Ernest Kepka

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RAJ Keď som konečne pochopila, ako veľmi je pre mňa - človeka - príroda dôležitá, ukázala sa mi v tých najkrásnejších podobách. Dokážem z nej čerpať energiu a múdrosť, naučila som sa pracovať s bylinkami, kameňmi. Na grafike je zobrazený najväčší motýľ na svete, Atacus Atlas, ktorého som videla na vlastné oči a žasla. Cítila som sa v tej chvíli ako v raji - tie preexponované zábery v pralesoch plné podivných exotických zvierat, ktoré svojimi tvarmi a farbami prestávajú zapadať do reality. Aj my sa tak meníme, z húsenice na nádhernú bytosť, ak si dáme priestor, čas a lásku. Tento prerod a premena je najťažšou a najdôležitejšou úlohou v živote človeka. Môj vývoj k harmónii.

Veľká grafika - Atacus Atlas

Na malej grafike je zobrazený text piesne od Lauryn Hill - To Zion, (Do Raja), v ktorej opisuje svoj osobný príbeh, ako otehotnela a jej spolupracovníci jej radili, aby „bola múdra a myslela na kariéru“, ale v tej chvíli sa k nej sklonil anjel a ona pochopila, že najdôležitejšie je počúvať svoje srdce, porodiť svojho syna Ziona a nájsť svoje životné sťastie v ňom. Ja tento text čítam ináč, chápem ho ako môj príbeh, na začiatku ktorého som tápala a nevedela nájsť svoje miesto vo svete (umenia), nakoľko som veľmi citlivá, čo sa pri budovaní kariéry nehodí. Anjel, ktorý sa pri mne zjavil, je môj partner Tomáš Marušiak. Vytiahol ma z tých tekutých pieskov a ukázal mi, čo je v živote dôležité. Pochopila som, že sa nemusím trápiť, a to malé dieťa vo mne, ktoré plače, si zaslúži druhú šancu. Zaslúži si šťastný život. Môj Raj.

Malá grafika - To Zion

All of us have been there. We have a headache, be if migraine, fever or tension, it’s terrible and makes everything 100 times harder.

Most of us have used aspirin, paracetamol or other allopathic medicine, but that’s not always a good solution, since some can be allergic, hypersensitive or simply knows that the constant use of medicine of any kind can cause kidney and liver diseases.

But what to do?

First of all, let’s check what’s the cause of the pain:

🚨 If you have fever, are a little feverish, have spots in your body (caused by sickness, for example white spots in your throat, caused by a virus or a fungus), you are diabetic and out of medicinal control (more on that later), suffer from hypertension (check very well your blood pressure here, this can be the cause), have or had cancer or any suspicion of, suffer from epilepsy, you are pregnant, especially in high risk or have very notorious veins in your body (varices), please skip to and stick to the third step. The treatments I offer previously can do much more harm than good since, despite what it looks like, they will alter the balance of the body. 🚨

OK, good so far? Please, keep in mind that if you don’t hear my warnings, you take the risk of causing yourself sickness, so please, remember therapy is not a game.

💆 The first step you can do, if you are not too sensitive to cold, is to place your feet in cold water for a maximum of 3 minutes. This will bring down the extra blood that’s pumping into your brain down, to heat your cold feet. Three minutes tops, because after that you can start causing yourself damage, both to skin and nerves. Sometimes that’s all you need to calm down the pain and even to get a nice night of sleep.

💆 The second step is to feel your neck. Just in the base of your skull you must feel very tense, taut muscles. It’s the pressure there that’s causing your head to hurt. Massage them gently, with small circular movements, and start applying more pressure as you go, it should hurt, but the pain should never be close to unbearable. Tap there with just the tip of your fingers. Press gently for 5 seconds. The whole massage must be ten minutes top. *Be gentle, especially if you are treating yourself, because this is a very sensitive part of your body and it can cause the pain to spike instead of disappearing. You might feel dizzy and if you do stop immediately and lie down. Don’t try to soldier on, as you might faint.

💆 Third step, stretches. Pull your head gently forwards, until your chin touches your chest or as close as you can without actual pain. Count 10 elephants and let go slowly (first return to normal position, then let go of tour head). Turn to look at your left and do the same, pulling your chin to your shoulder. Then the right, trying to touch your shoulder and chin. Then look again at the front and push gently your head backwards, pressing on your chin bone (don’t try your neck or anywhere else, or you might hurt yourself or choke). Always do those movements gently and slowly, and never take off your hands before your head is back in normal position. Remember that once you start you must not accelerate the movement. If you feel or hear a pop, don’t worry, it’s just your muscles stretching and freeing chemicals that cause the pain. (If the popping hurts, return to relaxed position gently and move your head lightly, massaging gently the place where it did.)

💆 Now, for the aromatherapy bit. If you massage and you, your caregiver or your little don’t mind getting their hair slightly dirty with oil, you can try a mixed one for the massage: use a base of 100 ml of sunflower (for massage), sweet almond, coconut or even better, grass of San Juan oil. To it add two drops of mint, bay leaf and marjoram essential oils. If you don’t find them, try chamomile, eucalyptus, lavender or rosemary. The smell will be calming and soothing, and will help the headache to go away. Try to keep those smells around so it won’t return so soon.

so many feels

SO

MANY