#autoduel

USA 1986

Road warriors (Guy Burchak, back cover of Car Wars supplement Autoduel Quarterly, V7 N1, "Spring 2039" issue -- published Spring 1989)

Jonni sits bolt upright “JONNI.EXE IS RESTARTING PLEASE INSERT TITTIES!” Jonni: “Okay. It’s another one of these. I suggest we set fire to everything in our way.” Gorbash: "How is that any different from what we normally do?" Jonni: “Usually I suggest it and you only let me set fire to specific things and pay the consequences of not listening to me.” Gorbash: "Well let's see what new brand of madness and misery awaits." "Another day, another dungeon." "Let's hope this one isn't made up of mimics." Jonni grabs the nerdiest looking one “Tell me where we are or be immolated.” "Oh no, we are stuck at a convention. We need to get out of here fast, or all our gold will be wasted on merch with no use." "Our definition of normal is quite lapsed. Narrow it down." “I say we head North. If a jolly old elf is behind this he’ll be there and we can beat him up and take his shit.” "Bad idea, Jonni. They tend to have armies of servants backing them." "I think I heard about a guy like that getting stabbed by his own underpayed minions." "Paranoia or Marvels... Quite the choice." Gorbash shrugs. "Let's try Marvels. I deal with quite enough paranoia on a regular basis. Mostly mine." Gorbash: "Uh, Nyx shouldn't you check the stand for traps before we touch the urn... And it's too late." "And apparently this is now happening." Yog-sothoth: "It has also happened in the past, and will happen in the future." "I wont let thieving adventurers intrude on my lair, for while the drow of menzobarrazan may shun Peter Parakzen, they will fear the specatular Drider man!" Jonni: “Can I kill him?” Azathoth: "You do that, there'll just be more clones." Gorbash: "I kind of want to hit him just for the puns alone." "You can't kill me, I'm too marketable, and besides who will take care of my sick Aunt Mayzeroen, or my girlfriend Mary Jane." "You have more important foes than us, Man-Spider. This is just a cameo to boost sales, your job here is done." Drider-man sighs "Alright, well, like my Uncle Benzoran said, with great power comes great big booty [women]..." "INEDIBLE BULK STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!" Marshal: "Oh sweet Maiden its a fruitcake golem." Jonni: “Okay. But I bet you’ve got a tragic backstory. Like your dad beat your mom to death in front of you as a child.” "INEDIBLE BULK FEELS LIKE TRAGIC BACKSTORY IS BEING TRIVIALIZED." Jonni pats him on the shoulder. “Strength will not heal you. Only murdering the piece of shit and ladies can bring you peace.” "Fire lady speak wise words. Inedible Bulk will make positive changes in life." Nyarlathotep: "Cue Yakkity Sax!" "We kept the urn, right?" Gorbash: "Of course we did, just because we get dropped into this new spore of madness doesn't mean we have to deal with it for free." "A commotion, we really need a wheel of strange encounters some time just so we can roll and see if the wheel is accurate." “Shit, someone already tossed the room.” "The abacus is your friend. Trust the Abacus, traitors are everywhere. Trust no one." They all turn and look at you...."Halt citizen. Were you sent by the Abacus?" "What or Who is the Abacus?" "He doesn't know what the Abacus is! TRAITOR!" "Poo Vapors..." "Sacred Ancestral prototype exarch. Said to be quite mad." "He called the Abacus mad! TRAITOR!" “RUN! Marsh get the door!” "We are No One. You said we could be trusted." They all pause. "You know what that makes sense. They're cool." "...What?" Gorbash: "Right what's next down the hall of crazy." "I'm...only more curious to what kinds of madness awaits us." “Probably the fucking ball pit room way this is going.” GM: Nyx, you know this guy: it's your long lost great uncle, Indiana Gnomes. "In America." "You Vill hand over ze Gnome now." Jonni casts Fireball into them. Gorbash: "Warlock says no." “Don’t look! Don’t look directly at her! Oh Kobold God it’s not helping!” "Illinois Kobolds..." Azathoth: "Stupid Nazis. Always trying to wake me up from my nap." "Just like Nazis: all shout, no HP." "Come on, let's see if we can find some of the more outdated topical humor." "Is that humor applied to the skin?" Nyarlathotep: "With Jonni, it's applied everywhere." Nyx: "Okay, in order we go then. And guys, why are you acting weird? Can you hear the voices of Poom's relatives when they talk in her mind too and are just pretending not to? Come on, tell me." Gorbash: "Eh... If I refuse to acknowledge they exist they can't hurt me any more." “Why does the one seem to have vestigial wheels?” Gorbash: "Are there bookies? It's not a death sport without gambling." Edmund holds out his symbol to light their darkest hour. Azathoth: "I ain't accepting souls right now." "It is very dark in here, and at this rate I fear things of myth called Grue." “Eddie’s dead. Time to leave.” "Huh, That bathing suit really flatters her beard." And Edmund makes for OUT-OF-THE-CENTER! “So what are you ladies and this fabulous pile of riches doing later?” "We are trying to get out of this dungeon, Jonni. And you just have to hook up with the first attractive females we meet. We are going to be stuck here for weeks at this rate." “I’m making connections with the locals!” "Jonni... What are we going to do with these women in bikinis?" “You nothing. I am going to thoroughly pleasure them and get the caravan to find them a good home.” "We are travelling through a crazy dungeon, this is dangerous! Those bikinis offer no protection! Let's see if we can find some chainmail bikinis...." "I'm pretty sure those chafe like nobodies business." "Jonni, no building your own harem out of the women we find in this dungeon." “You aren’t my mom.” Gorbash: "Why do I get the feeling that guy in gold was going to shoot at me with an improvised cannon?" Poom: "I ain't starring in no erotic fanfic." Edmund: "Don't worry, I think this is a non cannon encounter." Jonni: “The gold better be canon.” There is a sign on the door to this room. It says "Danger: DO NOT ENTER! Go away! Vamoose! Amscray! Take off eh! Scat! Shoo!" Poom: "This needs to be on more of the doors." "A door with a sign that has more than 3 warnings to leave is someone trying to hide something." "I've already done something stupid this dungeon....." Gorbash: "Fine, I'll pull the Eddie this time." "An auto-Told-you-so door...Amazing..." "Besides, it's not Adventurer Season. It's God Season. Frustration God Season, at that." Gorbash: "Moose and Squirrel!" Poom: "I think this entire dungeon has been designed as punishment." Edmund: "It is pun-ishing..." "No, the directory suggests room 14's a crypt, so that'd be dancing zombies." Will cling to the outside of the CURDIS and become immortal. OOC: Screw it, we'll pick the lesser evil. Scary Russian gramma it is. "May it give you power over zombie biker wrestlers." Poom: "I could have sworn this was a shroom trip." "I was messing around with this teleporter and I think I shot you into another dimension or something. Where did you guys go?" "Mad." “Okay, so I got us a ride with Grandmother Winter, nobody push their luck for a few weeks." OOC: GURPS has done everything once. OOC: Anime asks "Is it wrong to pick up girls in a dungeon?", and Jonni answers with an enthusiastic "If it is wrong I don't wanna be right." OOC2: And then other anime answers "I'm protag-kun. Nothing I do is ever wrong, just misunderstood." OOC: Note to self: Watch out for Truck-Kun in this dungeon. OOC: "There's a reason AI termination programs are called Kirk protocols." OOC: So Poom is Doctor T’anna? OOC2: Fits her better than M'ress.

Trivia: Based on the Car Wars tabletop RPG by Steve Jackson Games, the original run of AutoDuel came with a mini toolkit, which contained a miniature set of screwdrivers, a tiny hammer and a tiny wrench in a plastic pouch.

Join us on Patreon!

USA 1986

USA 1986

USA 1986