#autistic parenting

Its made me empathize so much with my younger self, and also my parents raising me because God, so many hundreds of little and big things were so hard and they really tried to accomodate me as much as they could. But it took so long for me to carve out a life i could even just survive let alone enjoy. Its also made me relate even more to the changeling myth and the autistic experience of feeling like an alien. There really are people who are made for this world and it ain't Us, guys.

I HAVE THOUGHTS ON GHOSTBLADE AND HIS WHOLE FATHER DEAL!

Ghostblade's entire father arc makes me really upset on his behalf (because it was written so well.) An I feel like people are missing some crucial factors here that disabled and neurodivergent people have to deal with all the time.

YES! Ford can be an absolute sweetheart and people don't appreciate that side of him enough.

Nick woke up early so Ford brought him out to do his morning working out with him. And by that, I of course mean that Nick sat and watched Ford do his morning stretches and started doing happy hand flaps. Trying to understand what Nick was doing Ford started copying him and now they're in a feedback loop of being excitable autistic dorks together. T^T

Most autistic characters in fiction are usually the one odd duck in their family. In reality, it is genetic and it often runs in families. So I thought it would be cute to show a mutually autistic parent-child interaction. Nick has more obvious stereotypical stemming behaviors like hand flapping when he's excited/happy but Ford was trained out of any more obvious or strange stemming behaviors as a kid. As a masking adult, his stems are more subtle.

That said he is a supportive dad who encourages his kids to be as weird as they want.

i cannot make it through the origins arc without sobbing over Ranpo’s experiences as an autistic person, but the most underrated aspect of this is how Fukuzawa goes about supporting him.

Fukuzawa, during this arc and even now, is a single first-time parent of a special needs kid living in a dangerous environment. do I even need to explain how difficult this is. APPLAUD HIM RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE HE DID IT AND DID IT WELL.

he struggles, he researches and reads books but finds every traditional parenting method to be ineffective. he realizes that Ranpo cannot function under neurotypical parenting tactics and changes to accommodate for this. he never tries to fit Ranpo inside of a category or box.

i’ve seen some discourse about whether or not Fukuzawa did the right thing by lying to Ranpo - personally, I believe he did.

when faced with a child who was lost, afraid, and couldn’t understand the world, he gave Ranpo an object of comfort. explained his situation in a way that he could see clearly. Fukuzawa taught him to be proud of who he is, and unafraid of the neurotypical world.

it’s not some grand-kept secret, Ranpo himself knows the truth, it’s about bringing a sense of familiarity and comfort.

after all the lengths Fukuzawa has gone to support Ranpo, he smiles at the thought of being seen as his father. he’s never viewed the care he gives as a burden or a chore, because he is proud to be a dad and proud of his child.

Meltdowns ARE NOT a choice! People don’t do them on purpose! They’re a state of overwhelming emotions that can take over! If you think meltdowns are just excuse terms for tantrums, read carefully:

MY MELTDOWNS GET SO BAD THAT I CONSIDER K!LLING MYSELF IN THE MOMENT!

I’m confident I’m not alone in feeling that intensity, I usually don’t feel like hurting myself but during a meltdown? Stress and anxiety take over logical thoughts, it can feel hopeless in that moment but when I’m “Finished” with having a meltdown I usually don’t contemplate su!c!de. That’s how powerful a meltdown can be!

I’m going to tell you something I wish someone had said to me when I was young:

1. If your brain does not produce the right chemicals or neurotransmitters to balance itself - store bought is fine.

SSRIs, Adderal, Fluoxitine, those nifty ones for PTSD, whatever it is, if you need it. Use it.

2. No matter how old you get, even if you’re doing everything as prescribed, some days are just gonna suck. Nothing you can do about it. Sorry.

3. You can parent, exist, whatever you need to do even when days suck. It’s harder. But, you can.

4. Sometimes, you are a better parent, student, friend, partner, spouse unit, etc for having learned how to deal with days that suck than parents, partners, friends, etc who try to pretend that/ assume that everything is perfect.

5. Assuming you know everything about everyone’s experiences because you share some traits with them is a great way to get you into trouble. Assuming people haven’t grown and changed based on their lived experiences as they age is also a great way to piss people off.

My best friend from my university who is Filipina, and one of the best people on this planet, taught me a phrase as I was going through my journey with neurodiversity. I still use it to this day.

When talking to someone different from me, and sharing my experiences in dialogue, I ask “No toes?” As an autistic person, I tend to use personal experiences as a way to empathize. But; that doesn’t always work because of my communication style.

Thus, to ask if I’ve stepped into or over the boundary of a sensitive subject I can ask “No toes?” (A short form of: “Did I step on your toes?”) The Spouse Unit and I use this all the time with each other. Use it freely.

Super helpful to establish a connection with people, and it has endeared me to many because I’m simply upfront and honest with the assistance I know I need in conversations.

Quite honestly, it’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received, and my friend doesn’t even remember giving it because her memory is so bad.

6. Some days, you will want to crawl under the covers and pretend you do not exist. You go on existing anyway, and you are not lesser for the desire to NOT want to be wherever you are currently.

7. Try to honor your desire to rest/ crawl under the covers and pretend you no longer exist when you can. You will be happier and more productive for it later.

8. Learn to laugh. Hard. At all the things you do f-up. Again, this makes you a lot more fun to be around. And, for better or worse, if you’re neurodivergent and/or disabled, f-ing up is the name of the game.

You are always going to be putting your foot in it. It is inevitable.

9. Give yourself time to just think.

Go for a walk. Doodle. Make food. Write music, poems, or stories. Meditate.

Whatever you do, do it.

10. Make friends that are offline and listen to them.

My favorite university memories are of going to our local tea shop/ cafe every Friday and discussing things from literature, to history, to our personal lives, and just listening.

Our phones were only for looking up dates.

That’s where I fell in love with my spouse.

That’s where I heard one of the funniest lines in existence.

That’s where my friend said reading Les Miserables was less depressing than reading the Animorphs.

And, I seriously think I laughed so hard tea came out my nose. Even though, that might be a true statement, it sounded absurd.

How’d I learn this?

I tried to 4.0 university because I thought that’s what my father/ family expected.

I graduated summa cum laude with a 3.98 GPA, and my dad still talks about it like it wasn’t enough. I 4.0ed my Masters, and because I don’t, directly, use it in my current field, even though I didn’t have to pay for it, I’m still asked when I’m going back in my field all the time.

So, none of it matters.

You know what matters?

Living.

Living matters.

You don’t get time back.

You don’t get your years back to learn all the cool stuff you want to learn. Study what you love. Learn lots. And, you’ll find a way to do what you love because you’re focused on absorbing the material you care about.

I leave you with these last anecdotes:

My friends and I got lost on the way to a Half Price books. The Spouse Unit was driving while half a mini-van full of people were shouting directions at him.

Eventually, we pull into the Half-Price books.

My best friend and I found this incredibly cool copy of L’Mort d’Arthur (unabridged) by Thomas Mallory. I’d always wanted a copy. So, I bought it. In IHOP, my friends and I took turns reading passages about Arthur, Merlin, and the knights over pancakes (as dramatically as possible). Then, we all argued (over the GPS) about the best route home.

Do I remember studying L’Mort d’Arthur in my “History of the English Language” course. Heck No.

Do I remember half jumping on my friends’ backs as we passed the book around at an IHOP?

Abso-freaking-loutely, I do.

I also remember the first times I tried to flirt (badly) with my now spouse.

I remember our GPA competition that he lost only because he forgot a deadline to resubmit a paper.

He and I could have been in the same honors society if only he remembered to submit his paper work.

And, I remember teasing him about it. Endlessly.

I would do almost anything to get those moments with @lukebbuff back. But, I’m also learning to enjoy the ones we have with our Squish too.

So, my TLDR recommendation in general?

I’m teaching the kid how to run. It’s very hard to teach someone to be physically active when they have a sensory processing disorder. Ella, being autistic, is hyper-sensitive to every little feeling. Her heart beating faster, the feeling of being slightly damp from sweat, the body heating up or even her socks ever-so-slightly scrunching in her shoes. I hear constant worries and anxieties as we take alternating run and walk breaks.

Today was “day 4” and we went for 30 minutes.

I was certain she would never want to try again with the amount of complaining I heard. Instead, when we got home, she asked, “Mom, can we go again tomorrow morning?”

Ella said her goal is to do a 10k race with me.