#authenticallyme

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.” — Audre Lorde It’s 5:41 in the morning. I’m sitting here with my joint, listening to the birds sing while my heart feels heavier than I know how to hold.Heavy for a love I’ve never fully touched.Heavy for a happiness I’m starting to believe I may never have. And I ask myself—why is this feeling hitting so hard? Am I truly afraid that I’ll spend the rest…

June 1, 2024

First of all, Happy Pride, everyone. This year I thought I would spend a little time (hopefully everyday in June) to write about our pride celebrations.

Having pride of oneself means that we accept ourselves as who we are. That means letting go of a lot of old ideas that the heteronormative world heaps on us. It also means dealing with the internalized homophobia that comes with it. So today, I am focusing on the internalized homophobia that I’ve carried with me. I’d also like you to think about how it has affected you as well. It may very well be that you’ve not really thought about it or that you don’t have any lingering doubt about your sexuality. I believe that if we all really soul search, we can find some old limiting beliefs that we have held onto - even after coming out.

So what demons have lurked in my psyche? Quite a few in fact, but rather than listing them, I’m going to look at one demon that covers all the others for me - the belief that I am a mistake and that I am somehow wrong for being a gay man. Some of the ideas that go with that are:

I’m going to go to hell because of what I am

Having gay sex is dirty and against nature

That I am not as good as others because I am a mistake

I don’t deserve to be happy because I am gay and being gay is wrong.

Coming to terms with my internalized homophobia is a lot of work! As an aging gay man, I’ve begun to see my body change and injuries that are slowing me down. While these are not directly related to internalized homophobia, they can cause problems because of my old way of thinking. I’m unable to have the body I had when I was younger. I’m maintaining it as best as I can, but it is not the same as it once was. The idea was that I needed to be validated for how I looked. I needed to be validated because I didn’t have a model to follow as I grew up. So, I looked for external validation because I had internalized homophobia that told me that I was no good and that I was broken.

I’m not going to hell. God wouldn’t have created a mistake - and I use the word God for the spiritual aspect of my being for whatever it is. God isn’t what the church tells me “he” is. Lady Gaga sings “‘Cause God makes no mistakes,” and “I’m on the right track baby I was born this way.”

I’m not dirty for the sexual enjoyment in which I partake. Hell, heterosexuals partake in it too! Who is that tells me I’m dirty? The church does. I have come to terms with my sexuality and the sex I have. I’m no longer shamed of it and in fact, I embrace it.

I’m as good as anyone else! I’m not broken! I’m not a mistake! Knowing this allows me to be the authentic me and be happy with that and be proud of who I am.

So what does pride mean to me? I am proud of who I am, I try to show the authentic me and I forgive myself when I sometimes slip up. I can continue to let go of the shame from my past and look forward to all of the good times that are ahead - guilt free.

When thinking about this blog moment, what comes to mind is the line from Jay-Z song allow me to reintroduce myself? My name is Nyesha LOL!!

This year I made a commitment that I was going to Just Be!! I said to myself what does JUST BE mean? Well, you know what I did YUP I went to my good friend google & this is the definition of "JUST BE":

To JUST BE means allowing the flow of life and the world to move as it will, without the need to control, and acting when inspired to do so.

It means being open and receptive to the truth here, to the love and the peace available.

All I can say was ALL RIGHT!!!!!

When making the commitment to “JUST BE” I consciously decided that I deserve to feel & be free. I will continue to push to be the best authentic version of myself.

So, with that being said my name is Nyesha Bridges and I am committed to “JUST BE ME”.