#autenticity

The real thing

You can open a bar on any street in the U.S. and call it a "pub." You can even call it Patrick Casey O'Shaughnessy's Irish Pub. But that doesn't make it one.

Having spent many recent nights in Scottish and Irish pubs, I've formed some ideas of what a pub should be.

It should be small. This encourages intimacy. When there are only, say, a dozen tables in a place, chances are you'll be sitting - and chatting - with people you don't know before the night is over.

It should be old - like, centuries old. We were in a pub in Belfast - White's Tavern, established in 1630. Authenticity pervades a place like that. It seeps from the walls.

Lets take a moment to consider authenticity today.

To be authentic, is to feel safe enough to tell people how you really feel, to be your truest self without concern for the reaction of those around you. To not be punished for being ourselves, but to be met with empathy and a desire to understand, to really be known.

To be known is a precious feeling. We are often empowered to reach new goals when we feel like people know us and are cheering us on. Our ego and sense of pride often comes from feeling known. It gives us a foundation to return to when there's a lot of chaos or feedback in the world around us. To be known is to be reminded of who we are when we forget, too.

There are a lot of different ways to be known, too. For instance, not everyone here uses their real name. Not everyone here is sharing who they are, where they are from, but they are still exploring things that have value to them, and the persona that they display here is a way to express things that they might not otherwise feel comfortable sharing. In this case, the anonymity of social media allows us to be more honest than we would feel comfortable being otherwise.

In the outside world though, we are often in situations that discourage authenticity. We are not always expected to be authentic in our jobs, for instance. We are expected to get along, and that means avoiding topics we likely disagree on, or we don't want to share what we are passionate about in fear of being teased or taken less seriously. We aren't always expected to be authentic at family gatherings for similar reasons, and I'm sure you can think of other places where being truly authentic isn't always the wisest or safest choice. Many of my friends in the queer community know exactly what I mean. The closet wouldn't exist if being authentic was celebrated, after all.

But who told you not to be yourself? Who told you to be less? To be the acceptable version of yourself? Who asked you to shave off your edges and fit the mold? It might have been relatives, a friend group, a partner or a job. There is something to be said about compromise, but we should never diminish or shrink ourselves to fit places that weren't made for us. Even when it feels like we have few options, we can be ourselves in those options, too. Most of all, if you don't fit the mold, you just don't. Let's own that. Let's question why that mold was made to leave us out in the first place.

You have the wisdom to know when you are with people who will accept you in your authenticity, and you also have the power to be one of those people, open and accepting of those around you. When you find yourself in an environment that doesn't welcome authenticity, you have the power to be that welcoming force instead, to bring that sanctuary to everyone else you'll interact with in that place.

We make everyone feel safer, we encourage everyone to share but also to listen, when we lead the charge in authenticity. Being honest about who we are and what we value encourages others to do the same, and to establish those ideas in the first place! Taking the time to listen to what others are saying, even if we don't agree, gives us an opportunity for discussion. We won't change every mind but we remind each other that we are human, and that more often than not, the things that matter to us have more in common than we think.