WARNING FOR SWEARING, OFFENSIVE AND CONFUSING LANGUAGE AHEAD
We're looking at this Aussie play (He Died With a Falafel in His Hand, go look it up, it's great) and there's this one conversation that really epitomises Aussie lingo in all its terrible and wonderful crassness. I thought I would copy it out and decipher it for you all. Here goes.
Guy: How's tricks? (How are you?)
Dude: Wouldn't be dead for quids. Yourself? (Wonderful. And you?)
Guy: Better than James Brown (Great)
Dude: Keepin' out of trouble then? (Haven't got any problems then?)
Guy: Flat out like a lizard drinking. Yourself? (I've been kept very busy, so I'm a little rushed. You?)
Dude: Mate, haven't had time to scratch meself. How's the better half? (Friend, I have been so busy I haven't been able to scratch my balls. How is your girlfriend?)
Guy: Not exactly happy as Larry (Not great)
Dude: What's the John Dory? (What's going on?)
Guy: Few skeletons in the closet... (She is dealing with personal issues from her past)
Dude: You gonna do the Harold Holt? (Are you going to leave her?)
Guy: First things first. Don't wanna be like a bull at a gate. (We'll see how it goes. I would hate to do anything hasty.)
Dude: Well mate, it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. And that's straight from the horses mouth. (At least you're having sexual relations. That's better than nothing. I would know.)
Guy: Bit of a drought on at the moment is there mate? (Not having much sex are you friend?)
Dude: Mate, drier then a dead dingo's donger. (Absolutely none)
Guy: You know what they say, it's the early bird that catches the worm. (You need to get out there more, stop hindering yourself with planning and just do it)
Dude: Yeah, forewarned is forearmed... (Yes, if I take too long I will have to resort to masturbating)
Guy: All you need to do is get your poo in the one sock. (You just have to get your shit together i.e. sort yourself out)
Dude: Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. (You are just the same)
Guy: Chill, dude. (I apologise if I offended. Calm down)
Dude: Get my shit together? Mate, I bet you couldn't organise a pissup in a brewery. (I have to sort myself out? Aquaintance, I bet you wouldn't be able to have a party in a brewery)
Guy: You couldn't run a fucking chook raffle! (You could not organise a fundraising event of very cheap quality)
Dude: You couldn't organise a root in a brothel! (You could not organise for someone to have sex in a place that houses prostitutes)
Guy: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone (...Yeah I dunno about this one)
Dude: An eye for an eye... (Something about being even)
Guy: And a tooth for a tooth... (see above)
Dude: Poofter (You are a gay man, but in the derogatory sense)
Guy: Dickhead (You are not that great a guy)
Dude: Poo-jabber (Dergogatory word for gay)
Guy: Red-haired, rat rooting, mother fucking, fornicating, poo-jabbing, fudge packing, pillow biting, carpet munching dancer of the chocolate cha-cha. (You are a witch who enjoys beastiality with rats, having sexual relations with your own mother, you are always sinfully having sex, gay, gay, reveiving end of anal sex, cunnilingus giving person who enjoys anal sex)
They then go on to find out they are flatmates and become friends.