#attendy

ATTA: 

She’d been avoiding Wendy.

She did not want to avoid Wendy, but at first she’d not known what to do. There was much to organize now that Atta would resume her talent, and the Hollow was full of buzz at the reveal that there was not only a royal, but that the royal was...well...her… the list-making tinker from the Orkney Hollow. She needed space and time to deal with all of that first. This was what Atta told herself. Once things calmed, then she’d contact Wendy and explain…

But when things did calm, she realized that an explanation would come with an ending. That was the only choice. That had always been the only choice. Royals could love, of course they could love. There was nothing in the rules, really, that said they couldn’t. But they didn’t. Because it wouldn’t be best for the Hollow. 

And loving a human mundus? They certainly never did that.

And so Atta needed to stop being cruel, and sending unclear texts and making up excuses about her classes and her duties. So, finally, she asked Wendy to meet her somewhere, and they returned to Chippamunka, where they’d had their first date.

Atta’s first ever date.

She regretted coming here the moment she sat down and she stared at the menu in front of her. An awkward silence festered between both her and Wendy in those initial minutes. The words were lodged in Atta’s throat. She didn’t want to say them. She still wanted a way around all this, but she knew there wasn’t, and this-- like so many things-- was her responsibility.

She stirred a little sugar into her water and finally cleared her throat. “I ah...first of all, I just… wanted to apologize for things in recent weeks. And for scaring you on the ice.”  

WENDY

Wendy knew something had been up. Atta had been dodging plans and texts for the better part of the last few weeks. She was always busy with something in the Hollow or with her sister or with school. Honestly, Wendy felt like the needy one in all this and it wasn’t a great feeling when you were used to being the girl who was aloof and chill and noncommittal. 

What worried her more was that when Atta had next resurfaced again, she asked her to Chippamunka. It was their first date spot. The night where Wendy really got to know and understand the fairy she’d been crushing on and flirting with. It was the night of their first kiss and the night she gave her the case for the log that had begun their friendship. It was all just so heavy and Wendy wasn’t one to get into heavy. 

So she gave Atta a smile and they had a little bit of a small talk but that awkward silence came. The moment where Wendy could ask what’s up with Atta but didn’t because well, she didn’t want to make it seem like she’d made more of this relationship than what Atta had intended. Maybe she was just more attached. Maybe they were just on the wrong pages of this story. 

Wendy played with the condensation on her soda glass, fingers drawing little patterns in the beads of water, leaning back in her chair a bit and glancing between the glass and Atta.

Then Atta started and although Wendy had expected it to go this way, she still felt her heart sink lower. It wasn’t a good beginning and it sounded really formal, like she and Atta were in a meeting or something and not two friends (or two something-mores).

“It’s alright. I mean, it’s not every day you save a girl from an icy fall.” Wendy tried to joke but it landed flat. “I’m just glad you’re okay, and you know, now that I’ve seen you, there’s physical evidence to prove it.” 

She gave a shrug of one shoulder and a slight smile before breathing out, maybe she should just come to the conclusion first before Atta had time to say it, rip the bandaid off, “As for the last couple weeks, maybe I just read signals wrong and put more into this than I should have. I didn’t mean to badger you with texts or anything.”

ATTA: 

Her eyes widened. Oh no, no, no, that wasn’t what she wanted Wendy to think at all! The guilt turned into a cascading waterfall, drenching Atta underneath it. She reached forward without thinking, taking Wendy’s beautiful strong hands and squeezing one of them, as if she were much smaller. She’d always loved Wendy’s hands, since the second she saw them. They made beautiful things. 

“No! No, you didn’t-- nothing you did was wrong,” blurted Atta. “I was the confusing one. I...didn’t mean to be. Everything I said was true. Well--” 

Atta had practiced this speech. She had turned this whole conversation into a task to be checked off, or perhaps similar to a duty to perform. However, now that she was sitting right here, she couldn’t find her way to the words. Everything felt just...wrong.

She drew her hand back and her eyes got a bit shiny. She glanced away quickly, breathed in softly, and then out again. 

If she were to be honest, then she’d have to confess to Wendy now that she had lied from the start. Wendy would probably be angry with her, as she should be. Maybe that would be for the best. It would be a sudden, painful break. 

“No, it wasn’t. It--” she stumbled, took another breath and then finally looked back at Wendy again. “I haven’t been honest from the start, actually. You see, I...I’m not a tinker, like I told you or everyone else. In my old Hollow, before it was destroyed, I…” 

It was still hard to say it. Every single time, she wanted to break down and cry as if she was confessing to murdering her own Hollow. (For some reason these two things felt the same.)

“I am what’s called a royal-talent. A princess. I...was going to become queen when our King stepped down. But then...the oil spill and…” she trailed off and looked down, fiddling with a braided bracelet on her wrist. 

WENDY

The redhead’s brows furrowed as Atta started backtracking and trying to explain herself into a circle. Atta took her hands and she felt warm again, like awkwardness had melted away to a warm feeling and she wasn’t here getting broken up with. Because that’s what was happening right? That’s what this was leading up to. Atta’s hands were small and soft, but strong. Her thumbs ran along the backs of them as they held hands for a moment before Atta pulled back.

And when Atta pulled back and hesitated, it was that she’d lied about something. Was she seeing someone else? Wendy had heard polyamory was kind of a thing in fairy culture was that it? She bit her lip, wondering what she’d lied about. She thought they’d told each other everything. That’s what this was. It was honest, right? They could just be themselves.

Well, apparently Atta hadn’t necessarily been herself with how this conversation had turned.

As Wendy let Atta talk her mind raced as to what she could’ve found so terrible as to hide from Wendy. The redhead never thought anything Atta had ever been was bad. Atta could’ve honestly done no wrong in the woodworkers eyes, but then again, maybe she’d been seeing all this with rose colored glasses. Blinded by her infatuation or something like that. 

Her heart hammered in her chest when Atta confessed she was lying from the very beginning. She just wanted to know. 

And then it came out. A royal talent. She was supposed to become queen. She was… a princess? Wendy had literally been dating a fairy princess? 

She was silent a moment as her eyes widened, trying to process this new information before a small grin appeared on her face, “So… I’ve been kissing a princess this whole time?” She snorted slightly, “Atta… I’m not gonna judge you because you’re a fairy princess or something. I mean yeah that’s like a big part of your life but that doesn’t change things for me.” 

And once that came out of her mouth her smile faded because it finally dawned on her, her voice grew quiet and a bit meek. “But… it does for you, doesn’t it?” It wasn’t really a question. “I… well, I mean I don’t want to be like offensive to fairy culture if this is wrong but are you about to tell me that you need to marry a fairy prince?” She looked down at the table a bit, drawing little doodles with her finger tips on the table top.

This was like getting the shit end of the stick in a romantic comedy wasn’t it? When a royal hides their identity and you find out you’ve been dating them all along. If Wendy were the character in that movie, she’d say she could learn. They’d stand up to the king or queen and say, this is the person I’m going to marry. But this wasn’t a movie and Wendy wasn’t ready for marriage, hell she didn’t even know if they’d been dating. And try as she might… Wendy would never be a fairy.

ATTA: 

Atta was once again a coward. She sat there and let Wendy stumble her way through the news. She watched, like watching a dam collapse in on itself, as Wendy realized what Atta was really saying. It was easier that way, wasn’t it? She didn’t want to have to explain that she could not kiss Wendy anymore. That they would not have any more coffee dates on campus, nor go ice skating on the lake. 

In fact, Atta did not know what her life was going to look like in the coming moons. She was still discussing her training with Clarion, considering she had come so far in her old Hollow before its destruction. She and Clarion were in completely new territory, unsure how long it would take for Atta to make a proper connection with the pixie tree, to absorb the amount of memories she would need to. Perhaps they would flood in. Or perhaps it would be a mere trickle, and she’d spend the next twenty years starting her training all over. 

Either way… she knew what the duties would be. There was no place for Wendy there. 

Her heart sank. The tears in her eyes shined, making her blue eyes even bluer. But she was a royal-talent and she had to start acting like it again. And in this respect at least, it was easy. It was much, much too easy to hold all those tears back. 

But when she took a breath, it was a heavy breath, and she felt exhausted already like she’d been flying for days without rest. 

She smiled very sadly. “No, I don’t...have to marry a fairy prince. We don’t have those. In fact, the way our Hollows work...there is only one royal-talent at a time. Two, I suppose, if there is an apprentice. But when it’s my time to protect the Hollow and become Queen, Queen Clarion will lose her connection with the tree. She will step down and live the rest of her days out peacefully, and I will rule for as long as it takes for another royal-talent to be born. So you see, I… I won’t… it isn’t appropriate for me to see anyone.” 

Before Wendy, Atta had not even given it much thought at all, for she had wanted to do her best, and she had more than enough love for her Hollow and her family. 

“Which is why I’m so grateful I was able to experience a little bit of that with you. I...know it was unfair of me, and selfish, but I really didn’t intend...I didn’t think I would make a new connection with the Enchantra’s tree because it wasn’t mine, I really didn’t. When it happened, I was shocked and scared and...I didn’t know what to do. I handled it poorly, and I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you because of that.” 

WENDY

The minute Atta’s eyes shone those tears, Wendy wanted to reach across the table and wipe them from her eyes. She wanted to do anything. Honestly, just anything, other than have this conversation and be told that they were too different. That they came from different cultures and had different responsibilities. Because in the last few months, Wendy had only known that they had become more and more the same. They shared the same interests. Laughed at the same things. Wendy’s smile reflected Atta’s. And even now, Wendy’s eyes and heart fought hard not to join Atta in the hopelessness and just glisten with tears. 

“Queen Atta.” Wendy said simply with a sad sort of smile, “Fits.” She said simply, her fingers playing with her napkin as her eyes broke from the other girl’s. “You always sort of were one to me you know. A fairy princess, basically. You just… It was hard to not see that there was something inherently special about you.”

Wendy glanced up at Atta again, this time her eyes definitely betrayed her, “I mean this is all like a lot and from what I’m understanding you couldn’t have known, not after what had happened so I don’t--Atta just please don’t think I’m mad at you for this.” She bit down on her lip trying to figure out her words, “Did I think the whole waiting game of it all was kind of you know, handled not so great the last couple weeks? Well, yeah. But, I’m not mad. I guess I just sort of know where I stand with you which is I guess what I wanted in the first place.” That was a lie if she dug deep enough, what she wanted in the first place was Atta.

“I wish I knew what to say, you know?” She gave a slight laugh, looking up at the ceiling as if that would somehow give her an answer and stop her eyes from watering. “I just never really expected circumstance to be the reason we ended.” The redhead ran her fingers along the table, leaning forward a bit and adjusting herself in her seat, she took in a breath trying to focus on something other than the clenching feeling in her chest and the emotions that washed over her, “Um, do you still think we can hang out or are you going to be kind of in the Hollow more?”

ATTA: 

Atta hadn’t expected this either. Her time with Wendy had really been a faerytale, to use the language of the humans. It was an escape from her life, from her grief, from her sadness, and from herself. She’d learned so much. She’d become so much. And it was all thanks to Wendy, really-- she owed her so much. Without Wendy, Atta wasn’t sure if Swynlake would have felt close to something like...home. 

But what could have been a terrifying, strange place, full of new challenges, had transformed into an adventure. Because she had Wendy there to help her. 

The tears pricked her eyes again, but she knew they were not the type of tears that would fall. The weight in her chest was too heavy for something like tears. It was the type of weight that carved out a huge canyon between the two of them, and that boundary was something that Atta knew she shouldn’t cross. She wanted to. But--Atta could play out what that relationship would look like and she knew it was a ship beached from the beginning. After all, she wouldn’t have time to spend much time out of the Hollow. Atta would stop aging quite soon. Wendy wouldn’t. Wendy couldn’t live in the Hollow, even if, like Atta had said so many times, she would make an excellent tinker…

And even if she could remove some of those obstacles, Atta would never be able to share the most important things with Wendy. The traditions, the stories, the day-to-day struggles… 

That wasn’t a relationship. Wendy deserved more than that.

All Atta could offer was friendship instead. And so she smiled and nodded. “I will be in the Hollow a lot more but-- I mean, I talked to Queen Clarion and she actually thinks it’s a good idea I continue on in my Pride U studies. So we can definitely be friends. I--I would love to be friends, if that isn’t asking too much,” she finished quietly. “I understand though if...you don’t want to.” 

WENDY

Well that was good right? Atta was going to keep up her Pride U stuff so they could still hang out. That was totally fine. They could hang out and not like cuddle or kiss or make out or flirt or you know, act coupley right? That was totally doable. Sure. Lesbians always were better at remaining friends with their ex’s right? If Atta was even an ex. She kind of felt like an ex but they had never been dating officially.

Wendy gave a slight smile at that, “I think we can be friends, Atta.” And that was the truth. She thought they could. She didn’t know for sure that it would work but she thought, sure, why not, they could do it. They had common interests and it would be totally fine.

They’d had a really good run. She might’ve really fallen for the fairy if they’d continued so its probably better off that they didn’t. She could just go back to flirting with women in Pixie’s and hooking up without thinking about Atta and faltering. She was uninhibited now. She knew where they stood, she should be happy right?

Then why did this feel like she almost knocked herself out with a low hanging tree limb she hadn’t seen before? (Yeah that had happened more than once being out in the forest at her height). Whatever, it would have never worked and now it won’t. Good to know.

ATTA: 

Atta smiled back, but it didn’t really reach her eyes. Though Wendy was taking everything gracefully, all Atta could feel was… sad. 

In that moment, staring at Wendy, it was like looking at a life she could never have. That was her punishment. If she had been honest from the very first day she stepped into the Enchantra Hollow, she would never have pursued Wendy in the first place. She would have resumed her training. If she and Wendy met, she would have introduced herself as Princess of the Hollow, and remained at a distance always. There would have never been dates to Chippamunka, kisses in dusty workshoppes that smell like the forest, or laughter on ice skating rinks. 

And there would never have been a need for good-bye. 

But then… if Atta played all that out, she supposed the two of them might not have even become friends. Just...acquaintances. Perhaps business partners, considering Oaken’s deal with Queen Clarion. And that alternative was even more sad, even if it would have spared Atta’s heart and Wendy’s time. Everything happened for a reason; wasn’t that what fairies believed? And didn’t fairies also know that nothing was permanent? Friends came for a season and were gone the next, but that didn’t make the time any less special. 

Atta just wished things were different. One day, she supposed, that feeling would fade like the colour on spring leaves.