#atmp

“I told you, James never saw the letter. I wrote it after he died.”

“I know. He saw you write it after the funeral. He saw you burn it.”

Sirius recoiled at that, and his eyes widened in horror.

“Did you put fucking hidden cameras in my home, Lily? What the fuck?”

He looked so betrayed. What if he didn't believe her? What if he'd hate her for breaking his trust?

“You know maybe this was a bad idea,” she said. Whether it was to Sirius or James, she didn't know. 

“No, you have to tell me how you know that. Are you a fucking rat like Peter?”

That was too much.

“I can see him! I see James and I can hear him, too. He's here, and he's been here this whole time and I know for a fact you'll think I'm crazy or, even worse, than I'm lying but he's fucking here and I don't know how to explain it,” she exploded. At some point while she was talking she had started crying, and now she couldn’t stop.

Sirius’ whole demeanour shifted instantly. He put one hand forward, reaching for her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her but she backed away.

“Lily, listen, I miss him too and sometimes I feel like he's still here but—” 

“You don't get it, do you? It's not… This is not grief, or perhaps it is, I don't know! All I know is that since I came back to the flat after the funeral he's been there. He's not… I know he's dead. But I think… I don't know what to call it, but it's him, or what's left of him. His ghost, his soul, whatever you want to call it. I can talk to him and look him in the eyes, Sirius. And he's here. I think he can only appear in places he's been before, like our flat or yours, but not Petunia's house.”

Sirius was looking at her strangely. She knew he wanted to believe her, she could read him very well, but the rational part of him was scared.

Scared of her.

Or for her, perhaps. 

“Lily, sit here for a moment, okay? I'm sure all this stress isn't good for you.” 

Lily fixed him with a glare. “You're the one who started yelling at me,” she protested, but sat on the sofa anyway and James, who had been quiet the whole time sat on its edge next to her. He wanted to say something, she could tell he needed Sirius to listen to him.

“I know, I'm sorry… I just don't understand how—” 

She huffed. “I told you how. And I know you find it hard to believe me right now, but that's the only explanation I have.”

Sirius sat on the armchair in front of her, head in his hands. “I don't know what to think.”

“Have I ever given you reason to think I'm crazy?” 

James snorted, but she resisted the urge to look at him.

“I mean, yeah,” Sirius smiled a little, but it didn't reach his eyes, “but not in the literal sense. And you seem pretty sane to me right now. You know, aside from this ghost thing.”

“Okay.”

“But I'm not going to lie to you, Lily, this is scaring me. I don't know what to do. Should I call a therapist? Or your dad? I don't know how to help you.”

He looked helpless.

“You could. But I've done both and my therapist says it's normal, while my dad said that this never happened to him after mum died, so…”

“You told your therapist you can still see James?” 

“Well, I might have omitted a thing or two…”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that James told me about the letter. That James comes here on his own to visit you sometimes.”

Sirius was the one to look away now.

“I can't do this right now.”

He got up all of a sudden, heading for the door.

“He misses you.”

Sirius stopped in his tracks, and turned to look at her, his stormy eyes full of unshed tears and an unreadable expression on his face.

“And I'm supposed to believe he told you that,” he said. It didn't sound like a question.

She nodded.

“Wait, didn't you say he was here? Like actually here in this room? Why can't I see him?”

“I don't know, I think that—” 

“Why can you see him? Fuck, even if it's just an hallucination, why do you get to have those and I don't? I'm his brother, for fuck's sake! And you're…” he stopped speaking abruptly.

Lily tilted her head to the side.

“I'm what? Just his friend, right? Who also happens to be carrying his child, but that means nothing, right?”

She knew she sounded childish, but she couldn't help it.

“He doesn't mean that,” spoke James, who had stood up and was now walking towards Sirius.

“You know that's not what I meant.”

“Then what do you mean?” she got up from the couch and crossed her arms, staring down at Sirius with a murderous expression.

He looked at her for a long moment.

“I don't know,” he shrugged, defeated.

There was no fight left in Sirius, and it was pointless to keep trying to make him understand.

She grabbed her coat and purse and this time, when she reached the front door, Sirius moved out of her way.