#atgjournal

Another oh so exciting week..college isn't that bad as I have been out doing a few things trying to have a fun time. I mean I am in college after all and I am suppose to have the time of my life seeing as most people have a good time when they are in college. But then there is this slight argument I got into with Rachel..I guess things are just going slightly downhill, I honestly don't know what is going on. I guess its a crime for me to want to be worried about her and wanting to make sure she isn't doing anything stupid.

But then again I am not her boyfriend and she is allowed to do whatever she wants. I am just going to try to focus on myself now and just let her do what she wants and if she wants to do something stupid then so be it.  Even if I might be worried no matter what I say isn't going to matter anyways.

Until next time.

Its been about a week since I got my surgery, it hasn't been that bad of a week..unless you count your ex telling you, that they made out with a close friend of yours. I swear..he is like the one person everyone I have been with goes to. Maybe that is just telling me something, maybe I am second best or something. I mean I am glad that me and Rachel are able to at least be just friends, yeah its going to be hard but I think we will be able to do it. I will settle for anything as long as I can keep her in my life.

Nothing to exciting has happened to me as I really can't do much as I am on crutches after all..but I am going to do what Santana tells me every time I pull myself down about this and not be a downer..or something like that.

Until next time.

Another interesting week has went by well not that interesting I guess. I now have the whole dorm room to myself as my roommate and all his stuff is gone so I guess it means he is gone. I am kinda glad that he is gone now, cause he was weirding me out and I was pretty sure he was plotting to kill me or something. 

Then there is another thing that has been going on and I guess it has to do with my knee..I haven't exactly told anyone yet or maybe I might not but on Saturday I plan on getting surgery so I am able to do more things in the future. I am pretty sure no one would really care if I told them I was getting the surgery..as its just surgery after all..in my knee. Not like I have like cancer or anything that would make everyone worried. 

Then there is Rachel..I know me and here aren't exactly friends but I really do hope that we can at least become close again and I am going to do everything that I can to show her that I do care about her and that I never meant to ignore her. Maybe when I meet up with her when we go to find a song to sing for your project things can change. I mean me and here have great chemistry when we sing and I guess we will have to see how things will have to go.

Until next time.

Another week, more interesting stuff I guess I can share. I can't say much has happened seeing as this week was the first week of school. My classes weren't that bad thankfully and I am sure this year I am going to enjoy them all. I am mainly going to do my best to put all my focus on my classes as I am not just going to skid by and barely be passing my classes like high school.

In other news I think me and Rachel are slowly getting closer to at least being friends. I know things are still going to be hard between us, especially after what I did but she doesn't hate me and doesn't think I am stupid so that is a good start. I am just going to let fate do its toll and if we are meant to be together then we will be together.

I am not sure what else there is to say, I mean things are great and its nice to have some friends around the campus as I think the only two people really talking to me are Santana and Mercedes. But hopefully over time things would be good with all my old friends.

Until next time.

But whatever I just really need somewhere to vent/release my feelings to or whatever, seeing as I pretty much don't exactly have someone to release my feelings to. I mean I think I still have some friends, I know me an Santana are close but I am pretty sure she wouldn't want me to vent out to her and tell her how I feel and such. As I am sure she has pretty much better things to do then listen to me go on and on about a few things.

Where to begin..maybe I can start off with about Rachel..I guess you can say I totally screw up this time, I know I was an asshole for what happened but I honestly didn't think she would want to hear from me after how things ended with us. I am still really confused on why she is going to OSU but maybe when I begin to work hard to fix things with her then maybe me and her can at least be friends. Then maybe over time I can figure it out..or maybe I can find out from Santana, but pretty sure she will side with Rachel and not tell me. It's understandable its probable some kind of girl code or whatever.

I will come up with some kind of epic plan to get her to forgive me and then at least become friends with her. But moving on, getting discharged from the army has to be the worst thing in the world. I never thought I would do something that would cause me to get discharged but it wasn't exactly my fault that I tore my acl, I now just have to figure out if I am going to get the surgery or not. My mom isn't exactly on the side for me to get the surgery as she thinks I should just let it heal as much as it can and then just not do anything that involves sports and such. Which I do have to find kinda impossible as sports has been my life since I was little.

I just hope this year will go well..but now I need to end this as I am finally arriving at OSU and I am going to need to start moving things into my dorm. I will just have to be careful, I know my mom might help me with a few things as I don't exactly want her to as I don't want to seem completely helpless.

Until next time.

Dear Journal,

Have you ever just been in one of those moods where everything's wrong, but right at the same time? I'm not even sure that makes sense. It probably doesn't. I must sound like Brittany with this insane babbling. But I guess I always knew things would happen this way. You can only tear people down for so long before you start destroying yourself in the process. And you end up at ground zero without a soul in sight.

I keep repeating that stupid phrase my kindergarten teacher told us whenever someone called us a name. "If I called you a chair, would that make you a chair?" The answer's no, obviously, but I figure I'd clarify just in case. You are a brainless object after all. But the thing is: I feel like the more and more I'm called a heartless bitch, the more and more it becomes a reality. I don't want it to be a reality, journal.

I am not really sure what to say for this weeks, as the only exciting thing that has happened for me was when Rachel surprised me for my birthday, and of course the surprise birthday party.

Oh the birthday party, oh how I have stuff to say about that as the party did have a part that didn't go well. It had to do with Rachel and Kurt seeing as at the time they weren't that happy with one another cause it had to do with Kurt getting engaged to Blaine. I don't know why Kurt would dare Rachel to kiss a girl at my birthday party, and I am sure everyone at the party could see the tension and I guess Puck knew I wasn't happy as he went after me in a way to see if I was okay. Which I do have to say was nice for him to do as it showed how much of a good friend he is.

I would say something about Kurt and Blaine being engaged and how I do kinda think its stupid for them to take this step. Especially seeing as they haven't even been together for that long. But I rather not go on about that.

In other news well lastly I am making plans to go to New York sometime soon so those tickets that Rachel got me for my birthday won't go to waste. I mean I can't believe she got me baseball tickets even though baseball isn't my number one sport I definitely would enjoy going to a baseball game. 

That is all I have to say for today.

So till next time.

Here comes another blissful week for you, well I wouldn't say nothing major has happened as again I been pretty busy with school and such. School definitely has taken over my life which isn't shocking as it is school for you. I am just glad that the week is coming to an end but what I am looking forward is tomorrow as its the beginning of the weekend and also my birthday is tomorrow. I mean its not going to be that great as Rachel is going to be all the way in New York.

But then again I have Puck and I am sure me and him would be able to do something on my birthday.I mean come on he definitely his the one guy to go to if you want to have fun and I definitely would need to try to make the most of it on my birthday. I mean its just my 20th birthday so its not like its going to be that spectacular as my 21st but that's whatever, I am going to try to take Rachel's advice and have fun. Even though I can't spend it with the girl I love.

Also I am proud of New Directions though as I knew they would win Regionals now its just time for them to win Nationals and New Directions would be back to back National champions. Also I am proud of Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury as I was hoping they would tie the knot soon..even though I didn't think it would be right after Regionals but I am happy for them and hope they enjoy the rest of their lives together.

And well that is it for this week journal.

Until next time.