there are no words to describe the knife that slices away at her chest . she breathes , and sucks it in further , wondering if this would be the final straw that breaks her heart completely . a taut string snaps after being wrung around a finger over and over and over again , and leaves the skin it touched pressed & molded in it’s shape .
that’s how she feels . like a string finally snapping . every tally , every mark , of sorrow and grief she experienced rounded the circumference of her body , crushing her down , and in a desperate bid to find something that needed her as much as she needed them she was cut down again .
with every word he spoke in denial of her request , she shrunk . arms wounded their way across her torso , and her shoulders shrunk . her head lowered . she carried herself like she would fall apart if she didn’t hold it all together , staring up at gaius and feeling like a child scolded .
she feels anger like never before well up inside of her chest , like fire and bile burning the back of her throat . she feels like crying , and screaming , and raging defiantly against the lot in life she had been given .
it’s not gaius’ fault , not really . a rational mind would know this , be able to understand that his children always came first , but lovek had , for the most part , lived a life denied selfish desires despite how prevalent they burned in her throat . she knew it when she married him where his priorities lied , and had even accepted them , but no one had really explained what it meant .
they never had the time or chance to be selfish with each other . she never really had the chance to be made to feel like she was special to him . and that reality is what she had agreed to , naive as she was .
the bitterness rises , pricks tears in her eyes , and a shaking hand rises to run through the messy disaster that was her unkempt hair . she laughed , soft and airy , before looking away from gaius towards the seafront horizon casting gentle light across the city .
“ have i ever actually asked you for anything , before ? “ she asks then , an emptiness in her voice . it’s an unfair question , manipulative in nature , and futile as well . she doesn’t say it out loud to pressure some sort of percieved right to gaius , but because , in her mind , it’s a truth .
her chin wobbles , and she sucks in a defiant breath and swallows it like a petulant child , before burying her face into the palm of her hands and letting a choked sound break through .
“ you could ask me , “ she sobbed , rubbing at her eyes , finally letting the dam break . she hiccuped , and let her breath shudder , “ ask me . ask me to stay !
“ just show me one fucking sign that you actually care ! “ she screamed at him , snapping like a branch , her incredible sorrow falling out of her in a torrent of anger , taking a step closer to him .
“ all you’ve done is abandon . you abandoned me , you abandoned your children , you abandoned your empire , your friends . you’ve run away from everything in your life and suddenly , magically , now that all of your children are dead because you left them you want to play the good man ? “
her words were uncalled for , and she was wrong for having said it , but it leaves her tongue before she has the chance to realize what she’s done . she flinches at her own self , stepping back like it was gaius who had burned them and not herself .
“ haven’t i been good enough ? “ she asked him meekly , her eyes pleading for something that she knows she’ll never have . “ i spent so much of myself trying to keep them safe , keep them ... together , after you went and got yourself blown up . and i know ! i know you never fucking asked me to . wasn’t my fucking job to do it . but i loved them , i loved you -- “
she hesitates , her breath catching in her throat , and her anger recedes back into sorrow . her overwhelming grief falls out of her in the calling card of a broken sob , and she might just fall over in the grief she feels .
“ why can’t anyone i love want me enough to stay , gaius ? “ she asks , trembling , “ why can’t someone , anyone , feel obligated to me ? am i truly so worthless ? “
