#assgarbage

When you look into his eyes.. and he’s looking back into yours.. you cannot think. You cannot feel. You cannot breathe. You just merely exist in a moment of timeless space; your eyes locked onto the most beautiful sight in the entire universe. Nothing has ever measured up to his eyes; and nothing ever will.

two years of going against incredible odds. two years of me drastically altering my sleep schedule just so i might get a little extra time with him. two years of me writing incredibly meaningful things for him because i loved him so much. two years of me struggling to learn a foreign language that frustrated me because of its incredible difficulty. two years of me trying to keep myself away from substances because he actually once worried about me. two years of me giving him literally everything he ever wanted. two years to remind me that it was never enough. two years to remind me that it was all for nothing.

it occurred to me earlier that never had i once thought that marcus was so attached to his gaming group because he was infatuated with someone there. never did i ever even stop to think about it. i would never have thought that he was doing anything other than gaming. i thought he put away thoughts for others because he was my boyfriend, as did i for him. i trusted him so much that i never had any problems with him spending so much time with them. it only became a problem when i became ignored completely. promises of weekends together were continually broken. then he broke up with me. and in that moment, i knew that i should never have trusted him. in that moment, i realized exactly what he had been doing there behind my back. in that moment, i lost everything that held me together. i lost my entire being in the fraction of a single second. the breaking dawn of painful self-awareness came with a price, and every day i still pay dearly for it. being curled up on my bed for almost two hours today, still crying over this guy, it tells you. it tells you that what was lost is never going to be returned. the only things i get in return are invisible fingers gripping my throat and squeezing mercilessly each time he enters my thoughts. those same fingers delivering swift, cruel justice to my insides, slowing my heart and making me nauseous. that is the price i pay for my folly. never shall i dare place my trust so blindly in a person ever, at any point in my life.

i just want the little things. i want the forehead kisses and the hand touches and hair ruffling. i want to catch someone looking my way. i want to hear someone talking about me to their friends. i want so much physical affection and loving affirmation that i can't stop thinking about it. i can't stop thinking about it. i can't stop thinking about how wonderful it would feel to be so loved like that. but since no one has ever wanted to give me these things, i can't help but think that maybe i was never supposed to have them. maybe it's unrealistic. it's only in stories and movies. no one will ever treat me like that. i'm not worth any of that, and i never have been. if i was, why would i still be longing for it?