Thinking about Ogata really messes me up.
He literally works on two completely contrary believes that make up his character.
On the one hand he's always trying to prove to himself and other people that bloodlines do NOT matter and that him being born to a Geisha out of a loveless relationship doesn't have anything to do with him being messed up.
On the other hand he is trying to cling to the fact that his bloodline IS in fact the thing that made him so messed up. He wants to believe that he cannot help it, he never had a chance to be happy and he's not responsible for how his life turned out to be.
The more messed up he becomes the more he has to cling to him just "lacking something" because otherwise it would mean that he COULD have been happy and it's just because of the decisions he chose to make over and over again that his life turned out this way
But also he NEEDS to prove that it's not his bloodline or the way he was born, everyone has the capability for becoming so messed up because otherwise his existence would immediately be worth less (in his messed up mind) and his father (and everyone else who prefers Yuusaku) would be proven right.
And it gets even more complicated because he isn't even all that messed up. At least not in a way that was unavoidable.
At first he was just a neglected child who wanted his mother to pay attention to him and he DOES feel guilt over her death and he DID hold affection for her as he does for Yuusaku who he calls out to in his nightmares and sees in Asripa who is the first person since his half-brother to treat him with kindness. The connection drives him nuts because it confronts him with the knowledge that Yuusaku's death haunts him which forces him to think about wether he really is as messed up and irredeemable as he likes to think and I'm convinced Asripa's death would have haunted him too in some way.
He had so many chances and yet always chose the worst possible option since he HAS to believe that there was never a way for him to be happy since otherwise all his misery would've been self-inflicted and his own responsibility.
You can literally see him breaking apart at the seams the more the story progresses because his conflicting beliefs about himself clash more and more. I think it's so hard to grasp his motives because Ogata just keeps on lying to himself. He would make the most amazing unreliable narrator because he's so convincing with it too!
Half the time WE as the audience also believe that he is messep up beyond saving, that he doesn't feel guilt over anything or anyone and then
(Light spoiler)
