I think one of the weirdest misconceptions people have had about me (and I’ve been told this by various people over a large temporal spread) is that I am — I’m quoting this, seriously — “too serious”, “lack a sense of humor”, and either “cold”/“dark and moody.” Okay I am pretty dark and I can be moody. The rest of it, tho .... (I cried reading a fanfic this morning. Excuse u.)
Look. I’ll admit I’m most comfortable when I can control a room (less variables to work out, socially), and usually that’s through VERY animated comedic bits. Spilled-my-glass-of-milk-all-over-the-floor animated. I like to make people laugh. I care very much about people, even if I don’t know them well. I have a lot of feelings about things, all at once, all the time. I have no idea where people are getting “cold” from.
Anyway. Was thinking about all this because the replacement for my dispatching shift yesterday had car trouble and was late. Over the phone I was just like, “Meh get here when you get here; don’t stress. I’ll stay as long as I need to.”
So he finally gets there a half hour late and starts apologizing.
Me, spinning around in my chair: “Don’t worry. I didn’t even log you as late.”
Him: “... I’ll log myself.”
Me, screeching to a stop: “Why? I don’t care. Nothing happened. No one else needs to care. I’m sure not telling anybody.”
Him: “The site knows when you checked off that I’m here.”
Me, grinning: “Maybe I just forgot to check it. ... Hey how are you getting home if your car is broken?” (When the night dispatcher leaves no buses are running.)
Him, mumbling: “I don’t know.”
Me: “I’ll get you a car. *points at company cars* Done it before. It’s all kosher.”
He kinda dug his feet in about it until I said I’d go clear it with my boss over in the IT department (who was still there because he was on-call). That was a simple conversation where the answer was “yes” so I bounded back to the other building singing, “Heeee saiiiiiid yeaaaauuussssssss!”
Throughout this whole exchange dude was looking at me like I had some ulterior motive. I don’t know how to explain to you that leaving a guy stranded several miles from home in the rain, in the dead of night would make me feel like shit. Maybe this is “woo”-y of me, but his problems showed up in my reality and I had no reason not to try and help, so I really had a duty to at least try.
I think, in true aspie fashion, I am often misread by people who don’t realize I’m either uncomfortable or nervous and hence too anxious to attempt humor or anything that could be easily misread. My facial expressions often don’t match what I’m trying to convey and if I’m not constantly attempting to fake my way through tone and expression and body language, I often come off a bit flat and apathetic. (It’s funny but this happens when I take my glasses off. I’m actually legally blind without them — the world is full of barely identifiable smudges — and sometimes my brain forgets that just because I can’t make out what other people are doing with their faces doesn’t mean they can’t see mine.)
And it’s sad that me having a bit of personality (I am loud and excitable and a touch too intense, normally) is the part that comes off as weird. Me shut down, is me in crisis, and it’s worrying how many people in my work life have accepted that as “normal” for me.
