#askjerry

philia is what i get at the end of a hunt, when all three of us are covered in gore or wiping off monster goo from our hair. we nearly died but we had each other's backs.

storge is seeing them stir awake in the morning when all of the windows are fogged up and it's grey and gloomy outside, when rosa stretches her arms over her head and jack's nest of hair is serving as his own personal shade from the sunrise.

philautia is brought on because i haven't ever known what it's been like to be loved back so sincerely by my best friends. when all i had to give was nothing, they taught me i meant everything. they make me want to live, and not because it's beneficial for them. my life or love or purpose is never transactional to them, it's what's keeping me here.

pragma kinda found it's way to me when i realized that all i really want to do with the rest of my life was be happy. and it will continue even when my heart stops. it's what will keep me alive even when my body has long since passed.

eros is the body heat between us when we need it, the silhouette of shoulderblades and soft curve of hips, the gentle exploration of tentative hands craving closeness. eros isn't exclusively sex, however it is intimate. jack's breath on my cheek or rosa's hand on my chest. my fingers digging deep into their backs when they join me in the shower fully clothed to cry and be held. it's carnal and timid and beautiful.

ludus is the feeling i get in my soul when rosa forgets her shoes and asks for a piggyback ride, it's the kiss on my cheek when she's relieved to see me, and the look jack gives me when he's disappointed (or impressed?) in me. it's the cupcake phase. the honeymoon phase. the best way to describe it is coming up for sweet, sweet oxygen after deep diving in the ocean. more fun than nitrous.

agape is the kind i was never offered. it was what my dad ignored when he watched me get my jaw wired shut. it's the answer to the question "why can't you just be normal?". it's love, man. it's the relief in my chest when i watch jack finally doze off. it's rosa making us friendship bracelets. it's gaston licking my face to tell me he needs a walk. it's transcendant. it's everything to me.

sunny, flat, and homophobic!

rosa almost lost her hat to a crazed seagull and jack is applying his third layer of sunblock as we speak.

yeah, it's a steep climb and nothing happens over night. you need to do a lot of inner work (meditation, being able to sit quietly with yourself, maybe do some journaling about how you feel in your notes app)

understand that the way you feel about yourself is usually an ostracized perception of reality. go over the things you feel you dont deserve forgiveness for. donmt stew in "i hate myself because i'm a bad person", and instead ask "what constitutes a good person from a bad person? would i as a human being forgive someone else who may have acted the same way? what would i say to them?"

shadow work helps a lot. sitting the darker parts of yourself across the table and picking their brain. i have this workbook that asks a lot of really difficult questions that take a few hours and a lot of emotional energy to answer, but it truly is worth it if you're willing to put in the work. (sadly there's no pirate-able version of this book otherwise i woulda fed it to ya)

shadow work is not pretty or fun or easy. but it's worth it.

if you don't have access to the book, just look into shadow work in general. a workbook isnt really needed as much as the effort you put into working it out.

be safe out there!

I'm asking because he's currently trying to get in a romantic relationship with my father despite the fact they're both married.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again: monogamy was invented by the ruling class as a means of societal control.

if your dad is happy, then why should you get in the way of that?