#askimo

I saw him for the first time today since Saturday and it was a little awkward. I think it’s gonna take some time before we get back to where we were. He kissed me today, which was a little weird. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay at his place this week, or these next couple weeks for that matter, if he asks. I don’t want to see anything that’ll upset me (like cannabis canisters on his shelf). We’re talking and getting along though! Haven’t talked anymore about our situation since Monday. Probably should sit down at some point and tell him I don’t trust him right now. But I care about him.

All I have is my boyfriend to talk to about relationship stuff and I can’t exactly do that. We have very different upbringings too. And it’s because of my upbringing that I have such horrible anxiety because of his smoking problem.

Right. He is the only person I have to talk to, but sometimes there are things I cannot talk to him about. He doesn’t know my family because we met as coworkers, not childhood friends. And he has yet to meet them aside from the family I live with. He is new to my state so he doesn’t understand the places I came from very well (he listens though), and he’s a guy and he’s 7 years older than me. So obviously I’m not going to bring up things I would with a lady friend. It sucks.

That’s what I think we’re going to be doing for a while. At least until he figures out what he wants to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My family and I are not close like that AT ALL. And my friend doesn’t care at all. She hasn’t talked to me in a while. She’s busy with school and her shitty asshole boyfriend. My only friend is my boyfriend, hence how hard these days have been. I’ve only been talking to people here on Tumblr, which I really really really appreciate!

We’re kind of at a standstill right now. Not breaking up but also don’t have our hearts totally set on staying together. God knows I want to, but I’m trying to not be blind to his issues and the trouble he has caused, just to satisfy that need to have someone. We’re trying to work it out and we’re talking more now as if were okay again, but we haven’t seen each other since that first day. Right now it’s friendly talk. I really went off on him because I was heartbroken. I told him that I couldn’t think about him without feeling so hurt. We’re probably going to be awkward around each other. I told him mom everything, after all. I’m going to take it slow with him. He really needs to help me build up that trust again. If he screws that up he knows exactly where we’ll be. I just asked him what he would do and if he would be okay if I decided I was done…just because I’m curious.

They’re going okay. We talked a little bit more. I kept pushing the topic for obvious reasons, and he wasn’t happy. He got pissed saying he’s trying to make small talk with me and be cordial. That’s not what I wanted and I told him that. I also told him I hate small talk and I know he does too. So why would he waste his time with that? He asked me for more time and patience and literally all I wanted was some reassurance that I’m important enough to him to give that to him. And he gave that to me! After 2 days! We’re hardly talking right now. Just a message or two here and there. And that’s okay. At least he’s trying now. 

I haven’t heard from him since yesterday around 6:30pm. He’s still at work right now. But he could have texted me this morning before work (I was up early for work too) or on his lunch.This silence is not helping him, so I don’t know why he’s doing it. I need him to communicate with me if he wants us to work this out. He asked me to give him more time. But he’s not making any effort right now. And I’m sure as hell NOT going to text him first. 

Exactly how I feel. I don’t trust him anymore. He has been hard to communicate with today, and I haven’t been able to put a good word in. Tomorrow I’m going to tell him that we may both really want ‘us’ to be okay, but maybe the only way we can make that happen if for us to be away from each other.