#askbetty

i was on tumblr from 2011 to 2013 and the only person i ever talked to was a guy who was very obviously only wanting to sext with me via fanmail. i’m overall a pretty passive person so i almost never initiate conversation with anyone, not because i’m shy, but because it just doesn’t occur to me unless i have something very specific to say.

(i think this is genetic because my grandpa does the same thing. he’ll call me, say exactly what he called to say, and then go “ok love you bye” and hang up.)

then i started writing fanfic in 2014, and i made this account, and linked it at the bottom of my fic inviting people to talk to me. and they did.

i usually really enjoy being randomly messaged as long as it’s not “hi how are you” because i really don’t know what to do with that other than say “good, you?” and that’s not a great conversation starter. but i’ve found randomly messaging people to respond to something specific is really effective, like if you read someone’s fic or see someone’s art or like someone’s tag meta, you can respond to all those things and it’s a built-in ice breaker.

and, yk, go big or go home, right. like people who start convos with me like “WHAT THE FUCK BETTY” re: a fic are most likely to pull me into continued conversation because i know they’re already engaged in the same things i’m engaged in. 

conversely, writing tag meta, creating content, things like that to show you’re a person who is interested in active engagement, because not everyone is, and people might start messaging you.

another good convo starter is using that little arrow at the bottom of posts to send a specific post to someone via PM. i love when people send me things they think i’d want to see. 

if you’re in kylux, there are a ton of community activities and events you can join, and group chats and things. i can’t speak to other fandoms because i’ve been out of destiel for a while now and i never really felt at home in stucky. 

also i find that it’s way easier to make friends via twitter tbh, so that’s a possibility too.

oh god i feel for that. i am the queen of wanting people i can’t have. on the healthier side, what i do is write the people i like into stories. i turn them into the romantic heroes they’ll never be to me and it gives me a little closure usually (ironically i have a hell of a time writing myself into these stories, so they always fall in love with someone else. which...maybe that’s an ok thing). 

Supremely uncomfortable when someone, for example, posts a pic or gif of Jensen or Misha, and most of the comments are about them fucking or wanting to know what their dicks look like, and I'm left wondering what the big deal is? Don't get me wrong, I know when someone is attractive, but my attraction is purely aesthetic or emotional, and it seems to me the slightest bit insulting to imagine them as a sexual object. Am I just naive, or is it something I need to continue to repress?

I hope you don’t mind I’m posting this. I always figure these questions might be helpful for others. First of all, congratulations on coming out to your friend! That’s a huge milestone. 

I don’t identify as ace, but I do identify as being on the gray spectrum, so I can understand your frustration--to me an emotional connection is necessary for sex, and my gut instinct toward people who seek sex for pleasure or validation is general disgust. I’ve been working on this, though, because I don’t think it’s fair to judge another person’s sexual motivations. 

I don’t think you’re naive at all. I consider sexuality a fluid thing--you might never be interested in sex. You might be interested in sex for days or months or years at a time. You might only be interested in sex with precisely one person, or maybe two or three. But that doesn’t detract from your present identity as an asexual person; I’m in support of choosing the label for yourself that most empowers you. You’re the only person who gets to choose who you are. 

Moreover, I believe in YKIOK (your kink is ok), and in this case YNKIOK (your non-kink is ok). I understand the frustration in feeling like the odd one out in society (and fandom), but I assure you that the person you are now--your perspectives and opinions and everything that makes you you--is valid and important. And if the person you are tomorrow is different than who you are today, that person is valid and important too. Comfort in self is the only means of which I know how to, as you say, reconcile your lack of sexuality in our sex-obsessed world.

In contrast, objectifying celebrities in the relative safety of a fandom community (in my opinion) is also okay because it’s innocuous in nature. While gender inequality exists, the power dynamic is skewed toward men, so there’s a distinct difference in women speculating as to whether or not Jensen is cut than there is for men waiting for Emma Watson to turn eighteen. I don’t believe fandom’s motivations toward those we idolize is harmful, whereas the sexual objectification and infantilization of women throughout pop culture history is decidedly predatory in nature.

(part 2) I felt so horrible after that I tried to text her (and my ex too) but she was at prom and was too busy and when she finally did text me back she was mad that I was drunk. So I never ended up telling her what I did. A couple days later I was just so stressed I tried to kill myself. I didn't bother to tell her because she was ignoring me. Now I feel so alone because she's always out with her boyfriend and my ex and a bunch of other people. I don't care too much that they hang together,(part 3) but I wish she would at least try and include me. We've been best friends for AGES, and now, when I REALLY need someone, she's not there for me. I try to talk to her but she has to mention how she's out with my ex and her boyfriend and god, maybe I'm a shitty friend, but it makes me so angry! She was always on my ex's side. When we broke up, the next day she was with him, she didn't even bother calling me. I just feel so goddamn alone. I have NO friends anymore. no one's there for me.

It looks like there are two sides to this problem: her shitty behavior and your environment.

She started dating your ex and then immediately dumped you. You should be utterly fucking pissed about this. That’s breaking the friend code, and she doesn’t seem to give a shit about that. 

I hate to say it, but this situation more or less has happened to me more times than I can count, and it never hurts less. The good news is that people eventually grow out of this behavior in their late twenties. It’s kind of one of those things where I learned to accept that people have to do a lot of shitty things before they learn how to not do shitty things anymore.

That said, all of her choices re: drugs, booze, and sex were her own, but you shouldn’t be in that world either. None of it seems to be making you happy if the attempted suicide happened, so why are you doing it? It sounds like you’ve been roped into a bad environment, and you’re bringing the people you care about with you. Your ex and ex-BFF jumped ship and now blame you for everything, which is wrong of them to do too, because if they care about you, they should help you. It sounds like you’re in a bad place.

So yeah, you’re on your own now. But I promise, that’s okay. You’re gonna get up, dust yourself off, and go make new friends. 

I have absolute faith in you, in your tenacity and perseverance. You’ve been knocked down, but you’re going to stand back up taller for it. 

So here’s what I want you to do: Stop drinking. Stop doing drugs. Have safe, consensual (re: sober) sex. Stop talking to ex-BFF and ex. Join a club, like drama or chess or astronomy or speech. Pick an organization over the summer to volunteer with. All of it will give you some big-picture perspective and put you in environments where your gut instinct won’t be to destroy yourself. Forgive past!you for everything, and promise future!you you’ll protect yourself. Lastly, protect yourself at all costs.

Message me again in two weeks and tell me what’s up. That’s May 18. Put a reminder in your phone for it. 

It’s official. Between April 15, 2014, and April 5, 2015, I have written 500,000 words of narrative fiction.

In honor of this, here are 50 things I have learned about writing in the past year:

Write with magic. If it doesn’t feel magical, come back when it does.

Dynamic characters are more important than dynamic plot.

Tension is more important than resolution.

But effective, logical, and emotionally-validating resolution is also incredibly important.

Always leave your readers wanting more, but never give it to them. Leave them satisfied but not sated.

Write down every thought that floats through your head. Keep paper and a pen under your pillow, in the bathroom, in your car. Carry it with you. Make sure you get all of your ideas down, even if they suck. Organize your notes in a way that makes them easy to retrieve when needed.

Write for yourself. If you can’t, pick one person you know really well and write for them, to them. Whatever it takes to get the words down, but never write for an ambiguous, faceless audience. You can’t appease an ambiguous, faceless audience.

There are no rules, so don’t bother following any.

Utilize Gestalt psychology. You don’t have to explain every little detail. Trust your reader to put the pieces together.

An engaging story is always better than a well-written one. Both is preferrable.

Fall in love with your characters. If you’re not in love with them, you don’t know them well enough.

Start a story. Pick three points of increasing conflict for a novel, two for a novella, or one for a short story. Make the rest up as you go.

Dynamic setting and tone are almost as important as dynamic characters, but don’t drown your reader in senseless exposition. It’ll slow down your pace to a grinding halt. 

Unless you’re intentionally writing a soap opera, don’t be melodramatic. Subtlety is your friend. Subtlety is relateable.

There will always be someone who hates what you write, and who will be more than happy to tell you about it. Ignore them.

Write the story you want to tell and that you would want to read.

Read, and let yourself be inspired by other writers.

Let yourself be inspired by everything.

If you’re stuck, pick something out of your own reality to solve your problem.

Don’t get bogged down in contrived writing advice. Take what you want, toss the rest. Including this entire list.

Befriend other writers in your genre(s) and take their feedback, give yours for their work in turn.

Do whatever it takes to get the words on paper. Even if they’re awful, sometimes you gotta slog through the bad before you get to the good.

Write every day.

It is more important to get your point across clearly than it is to get your point across correctly.

Don’t use too many adverbs. Or use as many as you want. I’m not your mom. And it’s a stupid rule anyway. (See point #7)

When you’ve found your style, you’ll know because your readers will be in awe, but you’ll be saying, “Are you kidding? I’m just goofing off.”

It’s okay to get upset about negative criticism, about hate. But it’s not okay to let the haters win. Keep writing, even when people ask you to stop.

Practice. You’re going to suck at first. That’s okay, you’re supposed to. But if you keep putting words down, and keep getting feedback on them, you’ll get better.

If you don’t enjoy writing, don’t write. Don’t make yourself do something you’re not into.

Don’t write for praise. You’ll never get enough of it to be satisfied. You’re looking in the wrong place to solve your problems. (See point #6)

But it’s okay to appreciate the praise you’re given and use it to drive you forward.

Appreciate the process more than the product.

Let your first novel grab you and drag you to hell until you’re waking up at three a.m. every night to write down a snippet of dialogue you had in a dream.

Let your second novel do that too.

Try to get a slightly better handle on your third. For the sake of your sanity.

You will freak out your loved ones if you start talking about characters like real people. Do it anyway.

Saying, “Okay, it sounds ridiculous, but…” to start describing your novel means it’s probably awesome.

Listen to your characters when they tell you what they want. They know their story better than you do.

Surround yourself with people who support you.

Rejection is part of the process. (See point #31)

Don’t get a big head. It is imperative to your writing that you remain a down-to-earth individual. If you lose sight of your own humility, it will show in your work.

DOWNLOAD TREESHEETS. I’M NOT KIDDING. It’s my favorite way to weave complicated plots and take down data for worldbuilding.

Writing is a lot like acting. You have to learn how to be other people, and remove your own voice from your words. Pay attention to the nuances of actors and learn from them.

The key to great storytelling is giving your reader a means to feel connected to your characters, to your story, to your world.

“Show, don’t tell,” should be taken with a bucket of salt. Just do what it takes to tell a good story.

Write with integrity. You can create effective conflict without disrespecting your characters. Don’t power trip over your story just because you like playing god.

It’s okay to love what you write and read it over and over again. It’s okay to hate it too. It’s okay to be proud of yourself for writing it, and for realizing you have room for improvement.

Play in different genres, tones, and settings. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Write in a different tense or a different voice, make your protagonist a different sexual orientation than you or a different race than you. Learn to be other people and adapt to multiple styles. (See point #28)

Tell your favorite authors you appreciate their work. Befriend them if you can.

Oh gosh, I had this whole thing written out and then my computer crashed and I lost it. So this might not be as great as the first one, but the first one was kind of wordy and rambly anyway. So here you go!

I try to mirror the traits that I value most. They're what guide my moral compass and affect almost every decision I make.

Acceptance

The next time you wrinkle your nose at something , anything--that woman's shoes are hideous, that dude's music is too loud, that jerk cut me off in traffic, my server is taking too damn long with my food, god I wish I weren't so annoying--I want you to finish your thought, but then add at the end, "I accept you."

Try it out for a day or a week or two, and see what happens to your quality of life.

Acceptance is not forgiveness. Acceptance is not love or compassion. Acceptance is not a feat of kindness. It is merely the baseline regard with which you should give your fellow person. You are not a divine being, and your errant judgments are most likely not beneficial to anyone, including your own.

Respect

If acceptance is the foundation, respect is the brick and mortar. Respect is the only true equality. It's approaching every person on this earth and seeing eye-to-eye with them. It is the antithesis to both reverence and condemnation.

Respect is tabula rasa. It's taking every single person you encounter and using no labels with which to jump to conclusions about them. It's trusting that everyone you meet is an exception to every rule you know.

Respect is listening, really listening. It's learning from everyone, and being patient enough to teach in turn.

Respect is what you should give yourself when you look in the mirror, and what you should give everyone else, too.

Faith

Have faith in yourself. Trust yourself. Know that past-you and future-you are the same person, and they all care about present-you. Whenever you're worried about something, trust yourself to accomplish it, to be accountable for it, and to handle whatever comes your way.

Mostly, make sure present-you acts in such a way that future-you will not be resentful, and learn from the mistakes of past-you so that future-you has a clearer path.

Take responsibility and accountability for your actions. Act honorably and work hard. Have faith in yourself to handle your own life in the best way possible.

Loyalty

Don't screw over the people you care about to satisfy your own desires. It's that simple. Just don't do things that will hurt other people. If you're considering it, talk to that person before you do the thing that you want to do.

Be good to the people who are good to you.

Tenacity

I didn't want to put 'strength' on here, because I think that implies that bad things hurt less to stronger people. It doesn't matter if it takes a truck to knock you over or a feather, what matters is that you stand back up.