Salaam! I am an iNFJ guy and I feel that i am needy at times. Do you guys think this is a personal problem or does it have to do with the trait itself? Thank you in advance! Please help out this confused guy out here (most people don’t seem to understand me at all- even I don’t at times lol)
Walaikumasalaam wrwb fellow INFJ muslim!
If by ‘needy’ you mean recognising your need at particular times for affirmation, help, advice or a venting session from those close to you (as long as you don't backbite!) - that’s not needy at all, but actually really healthy behaviour! Most people should be fine with helping you with the above as we should all be there for each other, especially those amongst our family, friends, as well as the ummah at large. Al-Nu’man ibn Bashir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The parable of the believers in theiraffection, mercy, and compassion for each other is that of a body. When any limb aches, the whole body reacts with sleeplessness and fever.” [Source:Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5665, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2586]
On the other hand, in my own experience, if I find myself constantly needing affirmation, help or advice on many minor things that I know I have the potential to handle independently, and it’s inconveniencing others around me to expend time and energy they don’t currently have free, then I’m most likely experiencing anxiety and I need to take a step back and determine what is the root cause of it.
So to answer your question, ‘needyiness’ resulting from anxiety can be a personal problem for someone of any type, but I personally think Fe users like us are more prone to social anxiety due to our natural focus on the emotions of others as opposed to our own.
For example, when I was younger I really struggled with social anxiety, and over time I have learned to handle it way better by tackling the unhealthy side of my Fe. Fe is great in that it allows us to instinctively focus on the emotions of everyone around us, follow social norms, and allows us to use our empathy to be great diplomats and help others. But when we use it an unhealthy way, we end up caring too much about what others think of us, to the point that it is detrimental to our own selves - where we can’t do anything without receiving some form of approval, or we follow the crowd at the expense of the values or moral principles that we subscribe to.
One thing that really helped me gain the confidence to overcome this was recognising my own strengths, trusting myself to use them and doing shukr for them. I also realised I needed to focus on solely pleasing Allah swt and gaining His validation as opposed to people. When you do that, Allah swt will make it easier for you and inspire others to give you validation and acceptance. Allah's Messenger pbuh said, “If Allah loves a person, He calls Gabriel, saying, ‘Allah loves so and so, O Gabriel love him’ So Gabriel would love him and thenwould make an announcement in the Heavens: ‘Allah has loved so and-so therefore you should love him also.’ So all the dwellers of the Heavens would love him, and then he is granted the pleasure of the people on the earth.” [HadithNo. 66, Vol. 8]
Remember, recognising and working on our unhealthy tendencies takes time and effort, but it’s an ongoing process that we all must carry on throughout our lives. As long as you are intending and working towards becoming a better person today than you were yesterday for the sake of pleasing Allah swt, Alhamdulillah you are on the right track :)
No worries, I totally relate in that most people don’t really get us INFJs (my family members are all sensors except 3 of my younger cousins who are Ns) and yes, even I don’t get myself at times too! Hope this helps, inshaAllah.
