#ask-typhon

The bar normalized, considering the bar-fish resumed his usual antics, Robert got a free drink, and nobody had died or blown up yet. As the lady and lord walked up to my station, I drew myself to my full height and asked in my best Common, “What dya’ll want?” This greeting was a proper one I had been informed, and from the notes and coaching from Robert, it had gotten to a point where it barely sounded like I was gargling the ocean. What I didn’t expect was the response.

“Pardon me, my good… person, but is the sign on the window correct? You are hiring a position as a waitress for this… establishment?” She held up the parchment from the window and set it upon the counter, looking around with care and some small amount of disdain for the surroundings. She quickly lifted her hand off the bar and pulled it back, as the paper started to stain from something I hadn’t quite cleaned well enough on the bartop. “I was perhaps wondering if you might hire myself? My father suggested I gain some ‘life lessons’ as he called it, and recommended this as one of his past… hangouts.”

I glanced at the dissolving paper, with only the letters HE ANT standing out, the rest faded away. I pondered on this for a moment, as if mayhaps it might reveal some secret to the land nobility before me. “Save me from ignorant fools and nobles, I had enough of them already,” murmuring under my breath in Aquan, I looked up once again. A few more new folks had come in, and had been sizing up the pair in front of me. I was given no guidelines on who to hire, merely that it be fast, and someone not likely to steal anything. Standing before me was that option, however short-lived it may be.

“Indeed, we are hiring for a waitress. Pay is 3 copper a day, plus tips. If you can handle these layabouts and drunkards, you can stay. If a fight breaks out, stay out of the way, and we split the remains of whatever is left. There are some clothes in the back, you might want to change out of that finery, it's likely to be damaged. What about your companion?” I motioned with a glass to the man behind her, who was now eyeing the three gentlemen who had walked in earlier. They had gotten their drinks and sat down, looking around wildly and slowly growing in volume.

“Oh, don’t worry about him, it’s just me. He’ll be on his way shortly. My name is Alyss, and it is my pleasure to be working with you.” She flashed me a smile and went to the back, coming back in a few minutes wearing an apron and carrying a tray. To color me surprised was an understatement, as she got directly to work taking drinks to tables as if she had done it all her life. Things went fine for the first few tables, they knew better than to start fights here, at least with someone they had no feel for. But the last table, that was where things changed and Alyss earned the respect of everyone at that bar, including mine. The final table had called for another round, and after pouring the drinks and serving them, they tried to do something incredibly stupid: they tried to cop a feel on the new barmaid. The operative word here was tried. As I watched, her companion who had been sitting next to Robert suddenly wasn’t anymore, and in his place was Alyss, with a look of pure fury. At the table, being molested, was her companion, with a look of enjoyment on his face, turning to the table slowly with an ever widening grin.

“Now gentlemen, I understand that humans are much more forward nowadays, but I must stress that the deal I have with my summoner is that she be willing for such advances, and unfortunately you do not qualify, and to be quite frank I agree with her judgement. You three wouldn’t qualify for a scrap of bread in a soul-swap, and honestly I wouldn’t fuck any of you for an entire level of Hell. Now remove your hand, or…. Now really Alyss? Spiders?” Alyss had turned quickly off the stool and after muttering something under her breath, was holding a writhing, wiggling, skittering whip. A whip, as I learned from her companion, was made of spiders. Her first swing engulfed the groper in a swarm, the second caught the next offender mid-scream and in the mouth, with spiders quickly moving in and out of the orifice, biting everything. Her guard quickly leapt on the third man, shoving his claws into the man’s chest, lifting him up above his head to throw across the room like a sack of fish entrails. The first two had already died, with Alyss quickly gathering herself together, and turned to the table next to her, the whip still in her hand.

“My most sincerest of apologies, those men should have had better manners. I can’t imagine where their parents went wrong, I hope you won’t count it against me or my cohorts. As a further apology, the next round is on the house, and as many further rounds can be from the pockets of the three unscrupulous individuals who dared to disgrace the peace of this grand establishment. I hope you enjoy the rest of your night!” WIth a quick turn, she walked back to the bar for the next round and called “Deus, search them and dispose of them as is accustomed for their kind, in the back alley.”

“At once milady.” The one known as Deus turned and removed any objects of value and money, then took them out back and dumped them into the water. The current would hopefully carry them away from my sleeping area, I preferred my silt blood-free. The rest of the night went largely without incident, whenever someone new came in and looked to cause trouble, they were pulled aside for a whisper and a miming of spiders crawling down their throat. Never before had I seen everyone behave so calmly and polite. Hell, they even cut down on the swearing (at least until Alyss dropped an empty tankard on her foot for the fourth time, letting loose a stream in some hellish language while clutching her foot that had everyone readjust their views of this girl yet again.) Deus, after his body-removal duties, resumed sitting by Robert, and from what I could tell was trying to buy his soul for wealth, riches, whatever he wanted.

“Come now my good fellow, anything you want! Gold, platinum, gems bigger than a Balor’s belly! Do you want women? Any size, any race, any age, it doesn’t matter to me I won’t judge! Maybe you go for the other team? Fine by me, I can go either way. That’s right, even I’m on the table. A giant hunk of smoking hot devil, right here, just for the small price of your soul. What do you say?”

It didn’t work.

“Umm, Mr Bartender?” I looked up from my latest concoction, looking at Alyss. Things had died down for a bit, everyone had drinks with a card game had popped up in the back right corner. I dropped in a copper coin in the drink and watched it dissolve, then slid it down to the oread three stools down. After drinking his (her?) beverage, they started eating the cup.

“Yes Alyss?”

“Why are there no menus? No wine lists? I admit, I didn’t exactly expect this tavern to have an extensive list, but they just seem to defer to your judgement. I think the last drinks you had me take could have doubled to melt the vault doors on the royal treasury!” This was quite probable, as it did have certain oxidizing properties, but when drunk by an organic it instead altered to more fizzing, leading to a rather pleasant sparking sensation when being drunk. The fact that it looked like a combination of horse blood and troll bile was purely happenstance. Where would I even get troll bile, that’s for the fancier folk! I settled for horse blood and tuna bile instead.

“People here have an understanding with me. I can barely tell any person apart from another, much less any race from another, aside from a few exceptions,” as I motioned to the Oread, Alyss, and Robert. “But I can read their bodies, their tolerances, and their personalities. How they move, how the talk, how they smell, they all speak to me as to how they might act, and what they might like. Some favor the basics, and so they get Ale or Grog, others prefer something more varied. And such, the ask and I deliver.” I bring out a glass and pour some ingredients into it. Some wine, a bit of elixir of this and that from my lab, and finally a strawberry. I slid it to Alyss. “On the house, give it a chance. Oh, and you might want to sit down for this.”

“Thanks you kind sir, I appreciate it.” Alyss took the drink, with admitted apprehension, and then downed it in one. Surprising, but probably best. As she sat on the stool, her eyes flashed red, and her eidolon shuddered, before both gasping for air. “What was that? It tasted like candied strawberries, with a hint of… something else? Kiwi? Banana? I can’t quite place it. And this feeling, like I could talk a dragon into giving up its hoard!” She studied the glass, as if questioning its secrets.

“The additional taste is Red Seaweed. Nothing tastes quite like it, I’ve started growing some next door under the water. That feeling was the addition of a bit of Sailfish’s Splendor, enough to give just a small boost and euphoric feeling. If you like, I can make it again tomorrow.” I admit, I like showing off. Nothing fancy, no big shows, but any experiment that resulted in someone feeling better than before was a small victory for me.

“I think I’d like that. Maybe add it to the menu, whenever we get around to making one. I think your concoctions might be the key to putting this bar on the map!” She sprung off the stool and strolled to the next table of folks who had come in. We? Menu? What was going on here? Put us on the map? I came here to be forgotten, be anonymous, not be famous! I spent the rest of the time mulling over these words, wondering if I might have to quit and try again someplace else, maybe even further inland, away from the ocean.

When everyone had been kicked out, after cleaning the blood and bile from the night out the door and escorting Robert to his usual guest bed upstairs, Alyss and I sat down to discuss her pay for the night and her schedule. I’ll admit, when I slithered out from behind the bar, her eyes grew wide for a moment, but quickly focused on other things, namely her pay for the night.

“So, the pay was 3 copper a day plus tips, but given the circumstances, I feel hazard pay, cleaning fees, spell costs, material fees, and other monetary charges should be factored in.” She started listing off various fees, dues, and other damages that my head started spinning, until it seemed that her final pay should have been over 1,000 gold. Needless to say, I couldn’t agree to that. But there was also no way in hell I could out-maneuver her wheeling and dealing. When she said she could talk a dragon out of its hoard, I realized she could probably have done it without the potion. Just who the hell did I just hire? So in the end, she got a raise to 3 silver a day (comparable to me, honestly fair, even I figured 3 copper was a lowball, but if I wasn’t the only one to keep this lot in line, might as well pay the same.) As we closed up shop, she stopped to shake my hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

“Typhon. They call me Typhon. Alyss was it?” I spoke slightly slowly, not used to small-talk any more. Apparently land-walkers talked about the weather a lot, complaining about rain, at least according to Robert. I didn’t know how to continue.

“Ehh, what’s that you’re saying? Sorry, can’t understand a word you said, but the horoscope didn’t say anything about languages, only that my savior would come from the sea, be smelling of fish, and have green eyes. I just put the sign down there as a lark, seeing if it did any better than posting a normal notice, and here you are! Robert! Come meet the new bartender!” He carried me up the stairs and out of the cellar, to meet the man who would become against all odds my confidant and best friend. He was also passed out on the floor clutching a beer stein against his head like a narwhal. “Ehh, nevermind, he’ll be fine, never was the same after, well... anyway, welcome to the Rotten Rat! Just bought it last week from a lounge singer, goes by the name of Dean Ratman. Moved up to the merchant district you know!”

“Excuse me,” I interrupted, “But could I make a request that you let me down, and what’s this about a job?” At this point I had both regained a bit of composure, while simultaneously becoming further bewildered.