#ask severine

bless your cotton socks I love you so much ;-; Ardbert is interesting. She was so sympathetic to him as the Warrior of Darkness - feeling as though she understood what he and his fellows had gone through. It was something of a 'cool motive, still murder' situation, but also could she honestly tell herself that she would have done any different? (The answer's likely 'no', but that doesn't change what she knows she has to do). Things change on the First.

Him showing up in her room in the Pendants aside, he is one of the only people who actually really does understand what it's like to be 'The Hero'. She feels a kinship with him because their paths aren't so different. Because their positions could so easily be reversed. She looks him in the face and says 'I don't regret what I did, but I am sorry that I had to do it.' He's the person she talks to about the Light Poisoning from the Lightwardens. He's the only person who knows how scared and in over her head is.

WoLSev is a bad person. She's self-serving and cowardly and will try and get out of any situation with cunning and deceit before turning to violence. She also hides this fact from every single one of the Scions, because they need her to be their hero. She didn't ask for it, she doesn't want it, but this is her lot. When Ardbert comes to her after The Final Days of Amaurot, there's a moment as she grasps the axe where she almost lets go. She almost gives over to him, let him take over. Let her rest. He's a better hero than she will ever be, and he will do so much better than she did. And he doesn't let her. And she'll never forgive him. When their shards merge she is filled with more purpose than she has ever had before. She doesn't feel more complete - her guilt won't let her see it as anything but a burden. Though she is selfishly glad that she won't truly be 'alone' in her loneliness.

"Do you want to hear a secret? I remember more than I admit. For a long time I really didnt remember anything - the mind protects itself from trauma, right? - but after a while things started coming back to me. By that point I'd gotten so comfortable with actually being ignorant that feigning ignorance was easy.

"It's almost funny. I like to joke that I had a childhood but was never really a teenager and that's still true. For most of my adolescence I wasn't... me. Or I was me, but someone else was me as well and that person had the reins. I used to say I didnt remember any of it, but that's not true. Not any more. Actually I remember a lot of it. And with all of the horror aside - and I dont mean to be flippant, it was horrific - that means that I remember my family more. My parents came to see me every day and there was always so much pride. There was something for me to hang onto then. I'd always wanted to make them happy, make them proud and I had in my way.

But with all of the remembering, I remember things that aren't as good either. Those horrible things. Things I did or that were done for me. Thoughts I had while they were happening and make no mistake, I could say 'It wasnt me! I had no control!' But they feel like my thoughts same as any other I've ever had. I can't claim those good memories and reject the bad ones, that's not how things work.

Sometimes there are two thoughts in my head. Like I remember my thought and not my thought. Sometimes I see a smear of blood and I'm taken back by it. Stunned with how starkly beautiful it is. But then I tell myself no, it's not. It's not beautiful, it's just red. The color I associate with my adolescence is red. Do you know how to make red dye? Oh you can grind up stone or use plants and get a pretty decent redish color, but to get a pure red - red tye color of blood - you use beetles. Dried, ground up beetles. Hundreds of them. Gruesome right? That's all I think about when I see red fabric these days. Covering yourself in dead bugs. I wonder if you concentrate hard enough if you can feel their little legs tickling your skin.

I guess maybe you could call that beautiful.”

The meter of her instincts had two settings: Trust and Don't Trust. Trusting someone or a place or a situation had nothing to do with liking it of course. She was mature enough of temperament to be able to separate the two.

But the keen edge of bravado, the sweetness of a smile, the brash overtones of casual discussions of sex or violence... all of them presented to her as distraction. As a lie. Her gut said no or yes.

She had read once that there was part of learning and memory that was processed in the digestive system. A second brain housed in the tender, vulnerable guts.

She thought she believed that. The stomach is more exposed than the brain encased in skull. More at risk than the heart, shielded by rib cage. Listen to your gut. It has more on the line than any of the rest. Your heart and your brain might trick you. Fool you. Lead you astray.

MXMS - Timebomb

I got very into MXMS this year. Her music goes very femme voiced Nine Inch Nails to me, the lyrics are aggressive, the music itself is as well.

Even though Severine is not an aggressive character it still has very 'push her too far' vibes. It ended up on her WoL AU playlist because that version of Severine is far more aggro.

Emiliana Torini - Gun

I tend to listen to this song in bursts. It makes me think of Lucius and Childress tho. Again, vaguely horny vaguely creepy is my jam.

Depeche Mode - John the Revelator

A long time favorite. A while back someone asked me about my favorite Depeche Mode albums so I went on about it for a while. I love every song in Playing the Angel but this one is probably my favorite.

It also ends up on character playlists when I need people to get a job done.

Gaelynn Lee - Someday We'll Linger in the Sun

This song is phenomenal, Gaelynn Lee is an incredible lyricist and musician. And this song in particular ends up on 80% of my character playlists.

Watch her NPR tiny desk concert if you're interested!