#ask elle

“But she’s just so bloody tiny!” James insists, and you apparently didn’t learn your lesson the first time because this manages to elicit another (painful) derisive scoff. 

“Yeah, sure. Try telling that to my crotch, Potter.” 

Remus — with no shortage of adoration — turns to smile at you in both amusement and sympathy whilst James only turns to direct his (still beaming) smile onto you. 

“I know angel, I’m sorry. I think you’re mental too.” 

“Gee thanks, bubs.” You huff good naturedly, though Remus abandons his habitual folding in favour of fussing over you and you worry you didn't appear as affable as you meant to. 

“I think what our darling partner meant to say” Remus offers pointedly, perching on the edge of the bed beside your hip “is that you’re phenomenal.”

“I don’t feel that phenomenal.” You counter, tongue apparently loose in your current state. 

“No?” Remus hums, a thumb swiping over your brow. “How do you feel?”

You take a moment to take inventory of your body. You’re not sure what hurts and what might just be phantom pains; ghosts of past hurts that the adrenaline couldn’t wipe away. You think everything might hurt but you’re also not sure you can actually feel much of your body at all. You’re quite sure you’ve strained muscles you didn’t even know you had, and you can’t figure out how the muscles above your chest bone hurt from labour, but they do. 

So, you settle on “tired.” 

“Yeah?” Remus asks at the same time James offers an encouraging, “Try to rest then, angel.” 

Your eyes flit over to Sirius — unfairly jealous that the man has found slumber in the most uncomfortable of places whilst you’re propped up on a certified tower of pillows and can’t seem to shake this sense of urgency. 

“It doesn’t feel like the right time.” 

James repositions your daughter on his chest as Remus hums in acknowledgment, encouraging you to continue. 

“I feel like I have to be ready for something.” 

“You’ve already done the hard part, dove.” Remus offers firmly but gently. “You’ve done what none of us can, you’re entitled to a rest now.” 

“But what if she’s hungry?” You ask, somewhat embarrassingly close to tears for seemingly no reason as you peep the small head of hair visible at James’ collar. 

“She’s quite content right now, lovely.” James counters with a smile so full of love that the stinging of your sinuses make its way to your waterline.

“If she’s hungry she will tell us and then we will tell you, okay?” Remus agrees, shifting higher up onto your bed to take your face in his hands. “You have three partners here to take over.”

With this, Sirius lets out a sharp snore due to his head falling forward, seeing him reposition himself; dark hair falling in waves over the backrest as his snores increase in volume with his new position. 

“Well, you have two partners here to take over.” Remus amends, shooting Sirius a look you imagine is meant to be scornful but is too soft around the edges to be anything short of loving. 

“Rest, angel.” James insists softly, the wattage of his beaming smile less bright though not lacking any love or glee despite it. “We’ve got it.” 

You suck in a breath that is shaky on its way out, your body sinking further into the hospital bed without your permission as Remus repositions the blankets around you. 

“She’s okay?”

“She’s perfect.” Remus replies. 

“Just like her mum.” James agrees. 

“Rest, dove.” 

And you have half a mind of cursing your body for hardly putting up a fight at all as Remus brushes a gentle thumb back and forth over the space between your brows, blinks growing heavier and heavier before your lashes meet in a gentle kiss, another gentle kiss pressed to your forehead as sleep greets you into its sweet embrace.

James made an offended sound and swatted at Sirius. “Fine, out with you then; go take your freezing shower, but don’t come looking for me for cuddles when you can’t stop shivering.” 

“I’d sooner find Moons for warm cuddles.” Sirius responded haughtily. “Those werewolf genes keep him nice and warm.”

Remus hummed in acknowledgement. “Dove may just have me beat there soon.” 

All three boys took a moment to sigh lovingly at the thought of you; growing and stretching and likely more than a little uncomfortable but doing it so gracefully nonetheless. 

“Sirius if you’re just going to sit here with hearts in your eyes…” James started, though he didn’t need to finish his threat when Sirius turned and took off in the direction of the shower.

“You do come out of the shower a little pink, love.” Remus murmured into the side of James’ face once he knew Sirius was out of earshot. 

James scoffed but leaned into Remus’ embrace. “How does he know that hot showers aren’t how I get my hair and skin so beautiful?” 

“Fair enough.” Remus laughed before he moved to put the groceries away. “But I don’t want Y/N getting into any showers with you; we don’t want her blood pressure rising.” 

James hummed in agreement. “But you may have to tell her that; her showers are equally steamy.” 

“Okay,” Remus agreed, “family meeting tonight about appropriate shower temperatures.” 

The two worked through the kitchen in relative silence before James slowed in his movements; dark brows furrowing behind his wire frames. “Speaking of showers, I don’t hear one running.” 

“Did he seriously fight you for dibs over the shower and then not get into the shower?” Remus laughed, causing James to stalk down the hall muttering something under his breath along the lines of “stupid no good sodding handsome boyfriend, going to be the death of me”. 

Remus waited for the inevitable yelp when James startled Sirius from behind, digging his fingers into his ribs in punishment.

He waited for the two of them to start trading insults - far louder than necessary - that quickly divulged into heated kisses where they pressed each other up against various solid surfaces.

Except no yelps, no tickles, no insults, and no passion could be heard.

In fact, it was quiet…too quiet. 

“Is there some weird portal in the flat that my partners keep disappearing through or something?” Remus called as he moved in the direction of the bedroom. “And where’s dovey?” 

But the answer only came when Remus rounded the corner into their bedroom - nearly colliding with James who had paused just inside the doorway - to find you asleep, curled up on your side in bed with a placid looking Padfoot curled up behind you and his head resting on your waist; your ever growing bump (that you’ve insisted cannot possibly grow anymore) dutifully under his chin.

Remus made an affectionate tsking sound as he took in the sight. “Did you get distracted, Pads?” And the dog’s tail began thumping loudly against the bed, though Remus could tell Padfoot was working very hard to not move his body in any other way lest he disturb you. 

The three of you always joked that whatever Sacred 28 gene allowed Pureblood's to appear impassive, bored, and to expertly save face was absent in Sirius, who never bothered hiding a single one of his emotions; the way he was feeling always displayed loudly and proudly on his face, though he claimed that was by choice rather than design.

But for as expressive or closed off as Sirius could or couldn’t be, Padfoot didn’t have a poker face to save his life.  

An almost embarrassing coo left James’ lips as he made his way to the bed, kneeling carefully on the edge of the bed so as to not disturb you, before reaching over to place a hand on your bump.

Padfoot, for his part, snapped his jaw playfully at James, pretending to bite his wrist only to then lick his arm aggressively when James diverted his loving caress to the top of his head instead. 

“She’s been so tired lately.” James murmured to no one in particular once Padfoot seemed appeased and he moved his hand to push some hair back from your forehead. 

“You try building an entire new person from scratch.” Remus chuckled quietly, moving to stand behind James but pausing when Padfoot’s head shot up.

The canine stared down at your midsection with his ears standing straight up in the air before tilting his head comically at a nearly 90 degree angle.

James laughed, making a breathy ‘wha-’ sound when Padfoot’s head snapped in the other direction, snout still pointed dutifully at your stomach. 

The dog let out a quiet whimper and pressed his wet nose into your side, causing James to laugh and Remus to tsk chidingly at him for risking waking you up.

“Is he kicking, Pads?” James asked then, moving his hand to the now damp spot on your shirt from where Padfoot poked you so rudely as the dog’s tail thumped excitedly on the bed. 

“Please.” Remus scoffed playfully as he reached forward to place his hand next to James’. “Don’t you mean she?”

“They” you corrected suddenly - though your eyes remained closed - as your boyfriends (two human and one currently canine) hovered around your midsection “are lucky they’re so loved when they’re currently using my ribs as a kick drum.” Your breath hitching in time with James and Remus’ hands feeling a strong thump and Padfoot’s head tilting the other direction. 

“Awe, I’m sorry, angel.” James cooed as he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“You should be.” You grumbled, though Remus could see the faint upturn in the corner of your lips. “It’s your fault.”

“My fault?” James shrilled. 

You hummed in agreement. “They were very well behaved before you showed up.”

“How do you know it’s not Moony’s fault?”

You cracked one eye open to look at Remus who simply winked at you. 

“Just do.” 

“Pads?” James tried then.

“If it was Sirius, I would say the chances were equal.” You admitted as you settled back into the pillow. “But baby is well behaved for Padfoot.” 

“Well…” James started, looking helplessly between his partners. “Well this is just not fair.”

You let out a groan and shoved your face into the pillow at the interruption of your nap when Remus finally took pity on you.

“Wasn’t someone supposed to be showering?” 

James looked over at Padfoot who simply stared back at him before letting out a long sigh and resting his head back down on your belly. He wasn’t going anywhere.

“Looks like there’s been a change of plans, Jamie.” Remus translated. 

“Fine.” James grumbled, though Remus could tell his ire was only for show. “Do you wanna join me, Moons?” 

“I showered this morning.” Remus declined as he took James’ spot next to you on the bed.

“I’ll shower with you, Jamie.” You offered as you went to rise, pausing when all three boys protested. 

Well, James and Remus protested. Padfoot let out a bark. 

“You should rest, angel.”

“Leave Jamie to his hellfire showers.” Remus agreed. “I’ll run you a bath after dinner, how does that sound?” 

Apparently that sounded lovely, because you easily fell back into your pillows with a smile on your face, a dog resting its head on your stomach, and Remus rubbing his thumb lovingly against your temple.

And you? You were on hand-holding duty – the most efficient and effective hand-holder Remus thought he has ever seen, even in the throes of labour – giving James’ hand an affectionate squeeze from your place in your hospital bed. “You’re okay, Jamie.” 

James, for his part, had some colour returning to his face, but having watched the sod fall to the ground like dead weight mere moments ago had given the three of you quite the fright. 

“Christ, Jamie. What the hell was that about?” Sirius finally hissed, the fan slowing now that James seemed to be through the thick of whatever nervous fit he just had. 

James had the grace to look a little sheepish, stealing a glance your way as he offered a chagrined shrug of his shoulders. “That last contraction seemed really intense…”

Remus snorted. “An empath, eh?” 

“You starting to feel some of those sympathy pains the doctors have been talking about for the past nine months?” Sirius asked through a laugh.

“Be nice to him,” you chided the boys, giving James’ hand another squeeze whilst Sirius moved to sit on the edge of your raised bed, “his blood pressure just wreaked havoc on his system.” 

“I think I’m entitled to be a little miffed with him.” Sirius argued haughtily. “I’m here trying to make sure my partner who is in active labour is safe and as comfortable as possible and he’s over there dropping like a Victorian damsel.” 

“He got a little too excited.” Remus offered neutrally, of the mind that James kind of needed to get it together for your sake whilst simultaneously finding it horribly endearing that James was so excited about the upcoming arrival of the newest family member that his nervous system quite literally crashed. 

You let out a sound half way between a groan and a sigh as you shifted on the bed. “It’s okay to be nervous, Jamie.”

“Are you nervous, dove?” Remus asked then as he redirected his attention to you, standing and abandoning his position of James’ ‘wet flannel guy’ in favour of becoming yours. 

Your eyes were closed and your face was serious; not quite pinched in pain – not yet – but focused, concentrated. 

And then your heart rate spiked, revealed by the monitor now playing the increasingly familiar song of the delicate line between anguish and euphoria you’d been dancing for hours now. 

“‘Nother contraction starting?” Sirius surmised as he stood too, offering you a hand to squeeze just as you had done for James moments before. 

“Yeah.” You managed on an exhale, eyes still shut like you were solving a difficult maths equation as you twisted your hips; pain no doubt radiating from your hips and shooting up your spine. 

“Do you need us to get a nurse, doll?” 

You considered the offer with furrowed brows though you were pretty quick to shake your head no. 

“Not yet,” you sighed, lowering your hips back onto the bed as you chanced a look over at James who was sitting frozen in his chair, colour quickly draining from his face once again, “maybe keep an eye on him, though.” 

With this, Sirius turned to look at James over his shoulder and let out a derisive sigh before making his way over to him. “Fuckin’ hell, James. Get it together, babe.” 

You huffed a little laugh as Remus took over Sirius’ job as hand holder; eager to be both the flannel guy and a hand to crush should you need one. 

“If he thinks this is bad,” you whispered as though anything louder would cause your words to turn into a groan or whine, “what’s he going to do during delivery?” 

Remus bent over to press a kiss to your damp brow. “Don’t you worry about him, dove. Sirius and I have a birth plan of our own.” 

“Which is?” You asked, pupils blown and eyes glassy as you look up into Remus’ own, though his pupils were no doubt blown and his eyes were glassy for very different reasons. 

“We have nurse Effie on call. She’s on standby for James interference.” 

You were just beginning to laugh when your heart monitor spiked again, seeing you curl into yourself with a pained whimper. 

“Okay, alright, dove. You okay? Do you want to call the nurse now?” 

Remus was so focused on you that he missed James’ panicky whispered “oh god.” 

“Yeah, I-” you cut yourself off with a groan “-yeah, please call the nurse.”

“Okay, dove.” Remus agreed readily, reaching over you to press the call button.

This time, there was no missing James’ harried “oh god, oh my god!” 

“Please call Effie too.” You keened in response. 

Remus quickly nodded. “Code E, Pads.” 

“On it!” Sirius barked, abandoning a quickly spiralling James in favour of calling for backup. 

“Four of us and we still need to call for help.” Remus sighed just as the nurse arrived to take your measurements. “It really does take a village.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, you guys.” Sirius grumbled as he used the bottom of his shirt to wipe sweat from his eyes and you swept cobwebs out of your hair. “James had to work just as hard as we did to get in.” 

“No,” James countered, “I got to touch Y/N’s bum as we hoisted her up, and then got to watch your arms flex as you climbed up after her.” 

Then, as retribution, you and Sirius took their phones and changed the name of every single one of their contacts to Dennis Quaid. 

In retaliation, Remus and James taped fake spiders behind the lampshades, and one evening you’d been walking into the living room with a bowl of popcorn when Remus asked Sirius to turn the lamp on, resulting in an ear splitting screech from Sirius and a sea of popcorn littering the floor. 

Cling wrap was added to the tops of shampoo bottles before the tops were recapped, causing more than a few shower meltdowns. The sugar for tea was replaced with salt. Blow up dolls were hidden behind doors. Furniture was moved several inches to the left. Picture frames throughout your home were replaced with images of Steve Buscemi. 

It was fun, it was harmless, it was good natured. Did it result in Sirius shouting profanities after coming face to face with an inflatable clown? Sure. Did Remus spit his tea out and curse and mutter under his breath in Welsh when he had to go and make himself another cup? Yeah. Did James demand his mother prove to him that she wasn’t really Dennis Quaid by facetiming him? Absolutely, and the mischievous glint in Euphemia’s eyes was a prize in and of itself. 

So while you didn’t necessarily blame them for being suspicious of you, you were a little insulted that they thought you would take it this far.

You’d been feeling extremely lethargic lately, and when that lethargy was followed by full body aches, you had chalked it up to an oncoming period. Except that period never came.

It never came.

But the two pink lines did.

“Oh my god…” You whispered, plastic in one hand as you covered your mouth in a silent gasp with the other. “Oh my god.” You repeated, slightly louder as you all but stumbled out of the ensuite into your bedroom.

“I know it was you, Sirius!” You heard Remus shout from down the hall.

“I swear to God, I didn’t touch the remote.” Sirius laughed. 

“Forgive me if I don’t believe you.” James' voice retorted, rising in volume as he made his way down the hall towards your shared room. “Angel, do you know where Sirius hid the remote?” 

You were frozen in the middle of the room with your hand still covering your mouth as you stared down at the positive pregnancy test in your hand. 

“Angel?” James asked quietly as he moved towards you. “Are you alright?”

A breath left your lips but you found that you couldn’t bring yourself to form an intelligent response.

Your view of the test quickly included James’ socked feet in front of yours and a gentle hand on your wrist so he could see what you were holding. “Wha-” he began, though fell silent when the fact that you were holding a pregnancy test was undeniable. 

“Oh fuck, that’s a good one.” He let out with a breath, laughing as he backed away from you. “Fuckin’ hell, you almost had me there for a moment.”

“Nice try, Sirius!” He called as he exited your room, leaving you standing there with your mouth open and your heart in your stomach. 

“Nice try, what?” You heard Sirius call back as you mindlessly followed James out of the room and towards the living room; limbs working on autopilot as your brain was reduced to a steady chant of oh my god oh my god ohmygod ohmygodohmygodohmy- 

“What? Was the whole remote thing just a bit?” James chuckled as he reclaimed his spot on the love seat and Sirius’ brows furrowed where they were pointed down at the phone in his hand.

“A bit for what? And for the last time, I didn’t hide the remote.”

“So we still don’t know where the sodding remote is?” Remus grumbled as he stood from his chair and started moving all of the cushions again. 

“Come on, spill; the jig is up.” James continued. “It didn’t work.”

“James.” You tried, but your throat was so tight that his name only came out as a silent whimper. 

“What didn’t work?” Sirius asked again, finally looking up at James from his phone.

“The pregnancy test.” James replied, causing Remus to pause in his cushion wrangling to look at him in bemusement.

“Wh- what? What pregnancy test? What is he talking about?” Sirius rapid fired as he turned his gaze to you, standing from his seat but not making any moves to approach you. 

Another helpless sound fell from your lips as you shrugged at Sirius helplessly; one hand still holding the test, the other hand still covering your mouth. 

“Wait, what is going on?” Remus asked as he returned to his full height, James shaking his head in admonishment as he moved to stand beside him. 

“These two think they’re so clever, pranking us with a pregnancy test.”

Remus let out a snort, but James’ explanation seemed to restart Sirius’ brain as he rushed over to you in two large strides before pulling your hand closer to him so he could read the test.

“Pregn- babe?” He barely managed to spit out, moving his gaze from the test to your face when you didn’t answer. 

You shrugged helplessly at him again which seemed to tell him all he needed to know as he loosened his grip on your wrist, though he didn’t let go, before tracing soothing circles over your pulse point with his thumb. 

“Did you splurge on acting lessons, Sirius? You look like you’re about to pass out.” Remus chuckled, though his face fell dramatically when you finally looked over at him with tears pooling in your eyes. 

“Whoa, whoa whoa, hey, dovey. What’s going on?” He started as he moved across the room, James not far behind him.

“I-” You tried, but the next sound that left your lips was a sob.

“Oh, oh. Oh my god….oh my god, it’s not a prank at all, is it?” James whispered mostly to himself, though you shook your head at him anyways causing a few tears to finally fall from your lash line. 

“Oh my god, angel, I’m so sorry, I- I can’t believe I laughed at you. Fuck, oh my god, I-”

The next thing you knew, the test was being plucked from your hand rather gently before it was passed to James to look at again, and Remus pulled both of your hands away from your body and wrapped them around himself. 

“Sirius.” James whispered and when you turned to look, Sirius was leaning against James to get a better look at the test cradled in his hands. “Sirius, Sirius…”

Sirius let out an emotional laugh as he shoved his face into James’ shoulder, tears of his own falling down his cheeks as James wrapped one of his arms around his boyfriend and pulled him closer. 

“Dovey.” Remus hissed as he took your face in his hands. “Is…is this real? Is- are you really pregnant?” 

You nodded as you swallowed before finally finding your voice. “I…I think so. It looks like it.”

James let out a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob as he rubbed Sirius’ back roughly. 

Remus laughed wetly and pressed more than a few kisses to your face.

“Oh my god.” Sirius laughed as he wiped tears away from his face. “I’m sorry they didn’t believe you, babe. That- oh my god.” He said as he pulled you from Remus’ grasp and into his. “You’re fucking phenomenal.” 

“I haven’t even done anything yet.” You laughed into his shoulder as you watched Remus and James share a kiss behind him. 

“Are you kidding? Fuck, oh my god… I can’t believe this.” He whispered as he pulled away from you, only far enough that he could place his hands on your waist and look at your not at all rounded belly. 

“We almost missed hearing the best news of our lives over a remote.” James laughed from where he was tucked into Remus’ side.

“It’s on top of the refrigerator.” You sniffled. 

“You bastards.” Remus groaned before he and James yanked you and Sirius over to join their hug. 

“Wait.” James paused as he lifted his head to level you and Sirius with a look. “The remote was the prank, right? Not this?”

“Not this, Jamie.” You agreed quickly. “Not this.” 

He let out a relieved sigh and looked close to tears again. “You just wait until we get you back.” 

“No, you can’t prank me anymore; I’m pregnant and sensitive.” You whined, causing Sirius to bark a laugh, James to huff, and Remus to snort.

“Alright…” Remus offered as he narrowed his eyes at you playfully. “You’ve won this round.” 

“I think we might have to call it a tie, Moons.” James whispered as you felt a loving hand settle on your stomach.