#ask alexander

Hello there, Anon!! You wish to know all about our angry attorney-at-small?? Access granted!!

5. Guilty pleasures

One of Alexander’s secret guilty pleasures, is that he once caught half an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and LOVED it. He’s been chasing that high ever since.

6. Their vices (physical or emotional)

Well, isn’t it obvious? His absolutely MASSIVE hubris. He’s so goddamn full of himself… I swear if I had an eighth of his fucking AUDACITY! 😂

Also anger issues. He’s a mad little man pretty much always.

13. What gets them flustered

Being proven wrong. He’s always shocked and mortified. It so rarely happens that his brain literally goes haywire.

Also… kisses. He’s extremely thrown off by and overwhelmed by kisses. His little face will go all red and for once he won’t have a biting comeback.

Hi Anon!!! Thanks so much for your asks! Man, you just really wanna know how to break our angry little lawyer, don’t you? Well, here you go! (Alexander would hate me for telling you this, btw. Don’t let him know I told you or I’ll be in big trouble!)

2. Their emotional/moral weak spots

Well, we definitely started to see behind the curtain on this one in the last chapter (Chapter #19), but our favorite tiny intellect is definitely struggling with proving himself. He may be all bark, but underneath he’s terrified of being exactly what everyone around him perceives him as: a tiny, helpless, insignificant object. Out of his desire to rise above this, he has no moral qualms with loudly reminding everyone within earshot how smart and important he is 😂. He definitely has a superiority complex with like… literally everyone he encounters. I don’t think Alexander has ever met anyone in his life that he would consider his match, cerebrally.

So, basically to sum it up, he has a need to rise above the station he’s been forced into because of the way society is structured in his world, and he won’t hesitate to do that by being an obnoxious little prick about it all the time.

9. Humiliating memories

Oh man. Uhhhh read chapters 1-14?? 😂 no but here’s one that isn’t already in the story…

When Alexander was a kid and teen (11-17) the old man still consulted with clients in his home office. When this would happen, Alexander would always end up tossed unceremoniously into a desk drawer, thrown inside a decorative box over the mantle or simply placed up on the book shelf and instructed to stay out of sight until the meeting was over. He always did so, obediently. Since many of the old man’s clients dealt in the pet trade themselves and were constantly navigating loopholes in state and national law to perpetuate their businesses, it was thought the sight of Alexander may be off-putting, so the old man insisted on denying his existence to any of his clientele.

These meetings could easily take hours and it infuriated Alexander because all he wanted to do was learn details of the case and how to consult with clients but often would be stuck in a place where he could barely hear and see nothing of the goings on. When he was younger, this always made him cry, but he’d make sure to hide it when he was finally let out for fear of retribution.

10. Fears/phobias

Well, I think we all know he has a major (understandable) fear of dogs. He’s convinced every dog he meets will turn him into a chew toy, instantly. And so far… he hasn’t been far off base.

Emotionally, I think his greatest fear is being unstimulated intellectually. Alexander’s personal nightmare is finding himself in a situation where he has zero access to books, or other materials that he can use to better his knowledge. An extension of that is he’s terrified of being surrounded by idiots who can’t carry a meaningful conversation. Now, granted, this sort of happens to him already, since, in his opinion, no one can match him for turn of phrase, but… being around nothing but true imbeciles would basically crush his will to live.

Click to read A Fraction of Justice HERE.

3. Do they have any bad habits?

Hello, Alexander here. Apologies for the delay in responding to you… Natalie, rudely, has been hoarding her devices all day for “course work” but every time I glance at her screen she’s on here or, god help us, Instagram. Anyway, I finally bullied her into letting me on here.

Let’s see…. I think my worst bad habit would have to be engaging in conversation with idiots. I always immediately regret it. I’m forced to nod and remark while they drone on about their boring, stupid lives. You’d think I’d have learned by now… but, no, I keep doing it.

The old man used to box me for picking at my fingernails, a nervous habit of mine. Then again, now that I think about it, I earned a swift thump to the back of the head for a lot of things…

23. What’s their greatest fear?

Hmmmm my greatest fear, eh? Definitely losing my magnificent mind. I would hate to shuffle through life like the poor stupid souls I see around me: ignorant sad sacks who don’t even have the slightest understanding of the world around them… and that goes for pets as well as humans, by the way. It even more embarrassing for you humans… you all have access to the world’s knowledge at your fingertips… read a scholarly article every now and again and elevate yourself!

Sorry, got off on a tangent there… Natalie is promising me she’ll give me another case study to read if I, and I quote “give back my phone, you little tech hog…” I think she just wants to look at Instagram… ugh, humans!!

Thank you for your queries, I’m sure we’ll chat again soon! Cheers!

Feel free to ask more questions from this OC Asks List.

You - what’s one thing you like about yourself? One thing you dislike about yourself?

Greetings, Anon! I want you to know I’ve managed to sneak all the way from Natalie’s bedside table and clamored up her desk, unlocked her computer (the password to which I memorized instantly, because, well, I knew it would come in handy) and I’m writing to you in the early hours before she wakes up and is ever the wiser. I’m pretty pleased with myself so let’s get to your questions.

Something I like about myself? Is it not obvious? My mind, of course! A close second is my dashing good looks… but my superior intellect will always reign supreme.

Dislikes? I’m sorry, do you know who you’re talking to? There’s nothing about me to dislike! There’s another word for that feeling and it’s simply jealousy.

Fun Facts - what’s something people would never guess about you?

Okay, here’s the moment where I’ll level with you. It pains me greatly to admit this….

I read Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations and found it to be both pedantic and naive in its philosophy. I know, I know. You look at a guy like me, wickedly intelligent, well-read, a critical thinker, and you probably assume off the bat that I’m a follower of ancient Roman philosophical thought. But, well, it just didn’t catch my attention.

There, I finally admitted it. I feel like a weight’s been lifted…. Ah, damn it all! Natalie’s stirring. Time for me to clamor back down the desk before she notices me! Cheers!

Make sure to ask me anything from the Spring Asks List!

Warning - what would your warning label say?

Ha ha!!! I have managed to gain access to the internet again, in spite of Natalie’s wishes and my previous banishment! I feel invigorated by this opportunity to sow chaos!!

Oh, my sweet, ignorant human…. You might be bigger than me, but I promise you it’s adorable how little imagination you have… isn’t it painfully obvious what my warning label would say? I’d have it tattooed across my chest if I didn’t think tattoos were a tasteless waste of money and physical pain…

Obviously my warning label would read as follows,

WARNING: will not hesitate to assassinate with sharp and uncensored wit and sarcasm.

After all, dear @themarlo, the bard himself said it best: “The dullness of the fool, is the whetstone of the wits.” You should know where that’s from, and if you don’t, pick up a copy of “As You Like It” and educate yourself.

Then again, Shakespeare also wrote “Let’s kill all the lawyers” in Henry VI, Part 2… so maybe we shouldn’t take ALL his advice…

Make sure to ask me anything from the Spring Asks List!