#ashrender

good god where do I begin, like... I have so many thoughts to say JASBDJASDBAKJS

BASICALLY for a really long time, i thought I kinda grew out of sanders sides. the feeling of "man am I too old for this now?" and I really hate that feeling -- if you couldnt tell from all of the childish interests that I always make art for, I hate the feeling of "growing up" out of something I once liked. I hate finding things I used to like "cringe" or "cannon events" or whatever, I hate it so much. it's like I'm mocking my past self for having interests, and that past self is still me, you know? I wanna always like the cartoons and stories that at one point meant everything to me.

sanders sides specifically, I thought I was growing up out of for years now. The side (and "a-side") never appealed to me as much, the incorrect quotes, the small skits, whatever it was. and obviously i didnt "not like" them because they weren't "the real deal." i love TS videos in general, I dont need a ling 1.5 hour video to keep me interested. but something about the "a-side" content being labeled as "a-side" never meshes well with me. like, as if the Big Guy himself was saying "hey this is a kinda whatever video compared to the Big Boys, this one isnt as good, dont look too hard" -- now obviously that's not what it was about. Im sure it's just for organizational purposes, like I even do with my own art, sketches vs renders. but, it's still what it read to me, a feeling of under-confidence almost. which kinda lead to my apathy of them. and then over the years the a-sides kinda meshed with the skits, the shorts, the roleslaying, etc. it all kinds meshed together in my head, leading to a bubmled mess of just.. blech. Id see new thumbnails and pass, skip videos, just watch the main TS content rather than the Sander Sides stuff, which was really weird. I still loved the series of course, talked about them with my brother a lot, watched older videos, listend to the songs. my affections were all still there more or less, but whatever new came out i just kinda felt apathetic about. and then this episode. I was at work, and my brother texted me that a new episode came out, a "real one" after so long. again, I felt apathetic, but i knew i'd still give it a watch. I was mourning something that I thought I grew tired of, but I wanted to at least give it a try and see. this was a "real episode" after all, something there hasnt been one of since i grew my apathy.

and UGHHHH man. it really all come right back. this felt like it was form 2019, the writing was like it was, just as before. the interactions, the character the personality, the costumes, the entire idea.. seeing right brain, left brain, and vision, it was all so new and fun and creative, but still felt so familiar. the way we all learned this lesson and the formatting of everything was just so perfect. felt like everything i loved about the series, even when it has a fresh coat of paint now.

summary is, Im ecstatic to know i never actually grew out of it. I love keeping in touch with my interests, and i love staying with them. i never like growing out of things I enjoy, and Im just really really happy to know that sanders sides is still on the list of things i love. i thought i grew out of it, but man. seeing a traditional episode again, it really was everything i loved about it all -w-

ANDDDDDDDD WIP TIME ================

i hate drawing from scratch, anf i have the inability too. but, if you give me anything, i can turn it into something.