#ash out

I am feeling in a really weird place at the moment...

like I want to write but at the same time I don't want to write... like I want to write for me, for my stories because I love them and the idea...

but at the same time

i'm feeling really fucking flat...

like... what's the point kind of emotion.

it's been a rather underwhelming reaction to stories that people really wanted to see but I know that I am writing them for me and the person who wanted them the most is enjoying them which is the main thing as well but still...

since benophie week and all the effort and work I put in... i got a lot of thanks and praise for putting it together and then the fandom just seemed to turn to shit all over again.

i'm just...

i'm feeling a little fed up and weirdly under appreciated in a lot of aspects of my life.

like i genuinely wonder what would happen if i just...

went on strike.

refused to write. refused to work. refused to do anything...

like i don't want to but at the same time my brain is going what if...

but it's also itching to write.

it wants to continue my stories, it wants to start new ones... it wants to finish what is there

but the amount of SHIT i've had to deleted in the last two weeks since Benophie week finished.

did you know last Sunday I deleted no fewer than 15 hate messages.

on my fucking BIRTHDAY.

i have no idea if its the same person or what and i feel like i'm forever blocking IP addresses and just...

I've been feeling really weird all week and so fucking close to tears constantly that i've no idea what to do.

I want to write

but I don't want to at the same time.

i hardly posted yesterday and I had no hate this morning but 5 "why haven't you updated posts" like... seriously... read the room, read my blog...

i'm struggling and need a break... and I know i've made a rod for my own back with the regular updates but i had 30 messages when I was on my honeymoon asking why I hadn't posted.

not any "are you okay?" messages just "WHY HAVEN'T YOU UPDATED" sort of messages yet when I do update i get the same people commenting and I KNOW those people aren't the ones sending me the WHY messages...

i know it comes with the territory of having nearly 800 followers (well 799 so it is nearly 800) and being quite a big deal in the benophie fandom... and from what I can see one of the more active Benophie blogs...

but I don't see my counterparts getting this...

so it's like

WHY ME.

i've only ever wanted peace. i'm very much life and let ship... and yet i've had so much shit this last week it's really starting to get to me

having my account be attempted to be hacked hasn't helped. it's not happened since. I changed my password again but still...

it's draining.

there is a human being behind the blog, behind the smiles and the cheery posts... and i hate writing these moans but i've literally no where else to vent my feelings.

So if you've read this, kudos for getting to the end of my bitch fest...

if not...

If Benophie is tagged I’ll read the summary… it is clear that the story is about other characters and Benophie are a side line i’m not likely to have read it… because for the most part it’s literally one line and I’ve had people have a go at me for tagging couples when it’s not their story…

So I’m sorry if this is you but I will get around to reading it eventually.

I work 75 hours a week between two jobs…

I write and I interact… I don’t have FUCKING TIME to read every single thing and comment every single time. I try my best! But I’m fucking human.

But I don’t even get the same in my own works!!!!

Yet you expect me to go out there and read everything, comment on everything and kudos everything when I’m lucky if I get three or four comments from the same people…

I do read the purely Benophie ones first or the ones where they are tagged first and try to remember to comment but I’m HUMAN. I forget.

I’m annoyed I’m having to justify myself here but I know writers who don’t read anything and who don’t do have of the shit I do for their ships and to be called out like this…

Maybe I should just STOP all together then I can’t be accused of being biased.

That might not have been your intention anon but that’s what it’s come across as…

Today our team was split to cover more ground. Jon, Mandi, Kristin, Morgan, Alyssa and Maggie went to a home to sift ash in pursuit of the owners’ wedding rings. After about 4 hours they were successful. They were even able to return the rings to their owners who own an ice cream parlor in Grand Lake! Matthew, Nate, Jack, Caleb, Nathan and Joshua worked on four separate sites and were able to…

NP :Going up the country-Canned Heat

Running on two to three hours of sleep can sometimes be a pain in the ass...But like, bruh...If I don’t do it then you might out work me...Shit legit keeps me up at night, keeps me off my playstation..keeps me resenting work because I have to have a gig to support the hustle..

In the lack of sleep, shit can get messy. I work hard on keeping the juggling act going..Work, Fam, Music, Music, Music....wait, what was I supposed to be doing??

I like keeping these short though..Makes me feel fancy or sumshit. 

I really wanted to let ya’ll know though that I love and appreciate ya’ll for vining with me the way ya’ll been this past year. I’m dropping the most music I have in awhile and in my opinion the best and it’s only going to get better. 

Tonight is one of those nights that I get just a little over four hours of sleep..Because yeah, you might out work me tonight..But I’ve got at least a week on you. 

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Spotify- https://open.spotify.com/artist/2JBtzBqap83zwxFOgvBNGj?si=CwMbNGRqSOiZFXDdRTxbTQ

The photo by @ArtLikeUs

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