There’s so many inexplicable changes in the experience of attraction when you’re on HRT, but there’s an aspect of Loneliness i’ve had a hard time describing. Because i’ll think, ‘oh i should talk about this with my fellow transmascs’, and what they describe changing about their own attraction, the impulses they have and how they want to fit it into their lives… it feels absolutely alien to me. And yet what is changing, matters. Sometimes it feels very sweet and very meaningful, yet i have so little vocabulary for it, and nowhere to really talk about it.

And then i realized i’m just asexual and this was pretty much the shape of the experience of adolescence when it was estrogen-driven, too. I guess it maybe helps distinguish what was a function of dysphoria from what was a function of asexuality.

And actually, a truly shocking amount of it was totally dysphoria, but nowhere near enough to approximate being allosexual lol. I still do not know what could drive a man to want to put his mouth on someone else’s mouth. But what people express makes more sense when being in a body makes sense—when the impulses it has feel like my own.

I mean yeah I guess I can see how that would be true if you just ignored people constantly denying the existence of our sexuality, the societal narrative of sex being the best thing ever and an absolute need to be fulfilled in life, the years of research dedicated to “curing” a lack of sexual attraction, asexuals being told there’s something wrong with them their whole lives, asexuals ending up in dangerous sexual situations because of compulsory sexuality, and all the stereotypes subjected onto us.

…

👊🪨

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Have sexual thoughts and fantasies

Enjoy self pleasure

Have sex

Be in a relationship

oh yeah let me turn on some adult entertainment yk as normal people do sometimes

But uh unfortunately

All I'm thinking while watching is

"omg I need to draw this... this would be so good for an art study"