#asd parent

To which, I've argued that I'm raising Jack to express himself. Jack is already bullied for being autistic and nonverbal. Jack is going to be bullied for the rest of his life merely because people are unwilling to acknowledge his existence as equal to their own.

Jack is a rowdy little boy but he's also extremely sensitive and nurturing, deeply intuitive and in touch with his feminine side. I want to raise him to make all of these his strengths. There is nothing wrong with feminine boys and putting no pressure on the gender spectrum.

So flex, Jackie. Shine as bright as you can. Lizzo would be proud of you and that's all that matters.

If you are reading this, I choose to share with you.

But I didn’t. I choose to share with void. With someone who just simply stumbles accidentally because of tags 🏷️, or g-d knows what else .

Today I no longer can separate acceptance from giving up. But I don’t want to leave room for any misinterpretations on what “giving up” means here. It is damn hard to explain it on paper with clarity when you’re out of practice. And yes - I don’t want silent 🤫 judgement or words of encouragement. So I’m back here, in my safe place, on tumblr.

I always hold high hopes that for M to succeed just enough awareness and acceptance needs to be in place with a slight addition of support; far from what he is getting at school. That I can’t give up.

Self-talk anywhere and everywhere for no reason and to self-soothe

No attempts to make friends or to keep the ones who reach out

* Recording subway 🚇 tunnels

* Watching 2hr long videos of subway tunnels

* K-5 level cartoons

* RTVi along but resistance to learn Russian

* Talking pretend Russian to people who don’t speak 🗣️ a word of the language

* Visits to Times sq to record trailers available on YouTube for months

I used to try to redirect or mask 😷 (big negative word in ASD community that seems to me extremely self-indulgent, coming from people who don’t deal with complexities of being adult on a lower end of the spectrum). I tried to tap into whatever inappropriate and give it a spin that would bring it closer into fitting into what in foreseeable future will be societal norms.

I accepted defeat and just let it be. Sometimes it backfires badly in public and otherwise; most of the times it’s ignored if noticed. Of course, I can’t ignore it. Sheer for the fact for needing to be alert 🚨 enough to step in when it hints danger ⚠️ levels or awkwardness overload. Like with the rest of this quirky and unpredictable life, the unpleasant reality became mundane and normal. Well… MY normal. I can’t ask anyone to subscribe to it because once in blue moon 🌖, I get a day of respite into the actual normalcy and it still hurts to return into the ASD routine. Not like a bleeding 🩸 hurt more like a paper 📄 scratch that takes annoyingly few days to heal.

I almost gave up on

* not having a conversation that hasn’t been played out gazillion times already

* having hard time between picking favorite, even when it is obvious (like picking cake 🍰 over sandwich 🥪)

* Mistaken pronouns (I am not MY mom but YOURS) and preposition (the cup NOT at the table; it is ON the table)

* And general silliness of your sentence structure and thought 💭 expression

* …

I started this post yesterday after a long day of brewing thoughts 💭 of what and where to write ✍️. It’s 5:30 am and M already woken up ⬆️ like he always does regardless whether it’s a school day or a weekend. I should’ve done soooo many things yesterday but I chose to write until I crashed into sleep 😴

it’s April 2. I write every year on Apr 2. It is silly as I don’t quite believe in traditions. But in a similar vein as I can’t forgo Christmas tree🎄for New Year, I can’t skip ⏭️ and not post today. On the eve of Apr 2 I’m reflecting more than any other day. Again I’m reflecting on acceptance: personal and general. Nobody forces me to write. And yet I hold some slight hope that this is something that someone needs / needed to read. Exactly as I wrote TODAY (which for all I know might not be even the day or month or year). I read so many encouraging posts and they helped. I read so many despot cries and they help. This one is neither. But, if you read thru the end and now feel a feather 🪶-bit lighter, I’m glad for both of us. Hugs 🫂

It's a weird feeling: an obligation. Or is it a habit that makes me write this? Either way, it's a year mark. As April 2nd approaches, I keep trying to push away the need of writing publicly something that would reflect my inner fear and hope, the shattered goals, missed milestones, small but meaningful achievements, but overall gloominess. The gloominess that doesn't go away no matter how hard I tried to change perspective. In dedication to past year, I want to revive the travel talk.

I'm in Holland. I got used to it. I mostly accept it for all that it has to offer. I even enjoy on more than one occasion the quirkiness of living outside the overwhelming norm. The norm that each year widens the gap between us and everyone else. I appreciate the understanding but it doesn't make the gap any smaller. I still have a long way to go in learning to live in the present-day without fretting much about the future. Many people (parents) are trying to catch that quintessential present regardless of whether they are dealing with the spectrum or not. Aside from the really hard days, I keep a positive spin on it. I mostly succeed. And, yet, I can't stop myself completely from wondering what it would've been like to be in Italy right now. The thought creeps out from a dream I just woke up from, or a beautifully written passage I just read, or a conversation I just overheard; the sources vary. It's an involuntary thought. I can stop it from developing but I can't seem to stop it from never reappearing again. The weirdest thing about this is that I'm at the point when I don't even want to be in Italy; there is too much Holland in me. I live in one place, with my subconsciousness keep squirting another place into my thoughts from time to time. It is all a matter of perspective, some say; semantics. 

All I can say for myself is that it is comfortable for me to know that I'm in Holland and not in Italy. I have experience with this place. I have a history with it.  I could show others around. You will not be alone if you end up in Holland. 

Safe travels no matter where it brings you