#aroacespec!kaneki

“Come on, let me take you on a date! Please!”

Hide had been begging this every day since his release from the hospital. Thinking it was a joke he wasn’t getting, Kaneki kept denying. But Hide kept asking, and Kaneki was beginning to think he was completely serious.

“Why does this matter to you?” Kaneki asked.

Hide didn’t like him, right? If he did, this was a real strange way to confess.

Hide’s smile turned gentle. “Because your first date ended up so awful. You don’t deserve that. And I can’t see you wanting to ask anyone else out anytime soon, so let me take you out!”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”

“Of course I don’t have to, but I want to. It’ll be fun for me too!”

“Okay, fine. But no dinner dates.”

Hide grimaced, likely remembering what happened at Big Girl. “Yeah, sure. No problem. We can do something else. How about a bookstore date, and then we see a movie together? If you’re up for it we could eat a bunch of junk food, but if you’re not, then the movie will be just as good with no snacks.”

“Okay. I’m in.”

Hide already had a plan in mind. In fact, in the week Kaneki kept denying, Hide had just built onto his original plan.

He’d dressed nicely. He brought flowers. He brought a cute little package of chocolates. He met Kaneki after his classes, complimenting his appearance even though Kaneki hadn’t dressed up, and walked him to the bookstore. He held his hand the whole time and stood close, affectionately leaning on him. He kissed his hand a few times, even going for a peck on the cheek once or twice. He planned and did everything romantic he could think of. Even the “stretch and not-so-discreetly put your arm around your partner” move during the movie, as cliché as it probably was.

It was the perfect plan for making Kaneki feel special and loved.

But Kaneki was really awkward the whole time. At first, Hide just thought it was nerves. He gave it some time for Kaneki to adjust to their date. But he never did, and he just seemed to be growing more and more uncomfortable as the night went on. He gradually toned down the romance, trying to hit a sweet spot in Kaneki’s comfort zone, but Kaneki kept giving off vibes of being uncomfortable. Hide knew Kaneki wouldn’t speak up for himself, so Hide stopped the date as soon as he realized it. And he felt terrible for not realizing it and stopping it sooner. His intentions were to cheer Kaneki up, not drag him out on an uncomfortable evening that he might not have even wanted in the first place.

“You don’t like me, do you?” Hide asked gently. It was one of the few things he could never accurately tell about Kaneki. Some days he thought Kaneki was harboring a secret crush on him. Other days he thought Kaneki only thought of him like a friend. He didn’t care either way. But he wanted to know right now, to make things simple and be able to best help Kaneki in whichever way he wanted and needed.

“...” Kaneki didn’t answer him.

“It’s fine. I know I’m not exactly a beautiful girl, like you usually like.” Hide said.

“I don’t know…” Kaneki said.

“You’re not gonna insult me or anything by saying no.”

“No, I… I really don’t know.” Kaneki said. He put his head in his hands, frustrated. “You’re right. You’re not a beautiful girl. I don’t see you the same way as I did with… with Rize-san. I don’t see you as beautiful, but…”

“But?”

“But you’re… handsome. You’re really nice and kind, and you goof around a lot, but you can be really smooth and charming when you want to be. And I do like that.”

Hide started blushing. Was he really like that?

“And… isn’t that romantic?” Kaneki mused. “Isn’t that what girls like in guys?”

“So you do like me.” Hide said, trying to make sense of it.

“I don’t know.” Kaneki repeated. “This date didn’t feel like it should. It didn’t feel good, to be treated as your date.”

“Did you feel like I was treating you too much like a girl?”

“No, no.” Kaneki shook his head. “Maybe it was just too much attention.”

“Too much too soon?”

“Just too much attention in general.”

“Then what kind of attention do you want? What did you and that girl do?”

“I already told you.”

“There’s gotta be more than that! Give me the juicy details! Did she have some real nerdy pickup lines? Did you do that thing where you cuddle and read the same book together? Or lean over her shoulder as she reads as an excuse to get closer to her?”

Kaneki gave him a confused look. Why would he want to get closer to her?

“No, none of that. We talked about our favorite books, ate dinner, and we talked as we walked home.”

“...That’s it?”

“Well, then there was the accident…”

Hide flinched. “Oh, I didn’t mean to—!”

“It’s okay.” Kaneki said. “I’m okay.”

“That’s really all you did on your date?”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No. As long as… that’s what you wanted to happen on your date?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it was… really nice… I was… really happy. Before…” Kaneki trailed off again.

“Just talking about books?”

“Yeah. Turns out we had a lot in common. I liked that.”

Hide went silent. He wasn’t sure how to say what he was thinking in a way that wouldn’t come across as offensive. Because he really didn’t mean it that way. But something didn’t seem to be adding up.

“You liked… that you had common taste in books?” Hide repeated.

“Yeah.”

“And… that’s it?” Hide asked again.

“Yes, that’s it.” Kaneki snapped, getting tired of answering the same question. And then he seemed to realize what Hide was getting at. “Oh.

There was a beat of silence. Then Kaneki asked “Well, then what do most people like about their dates?”

“I-I don’t know. I’ve never been on a date either, remember?”

“But if you were to guess?”

“Well, some people like to hookup on a first date. Or makeout. Otherwise, I think they try to learn all they can about each other and see if they might be compatible.”

“Okay? And wasn’t that what I was doing?”

“Was it?” Hide asked. “Did you ask about her family? Her schooling? Her hobbies besides reading?”

“No…” Kaneki said. “She asked about mine a little, but…”

“It’s not bad that you didn’t.” Hide said. “You had fun. That’s all that matters.”

After a moment, Kaneki said. “...I didn’t want to hook up with her.”

“That’s fine, plenty of people don’t want to move that fast, especially on a first date.”

“I didn’t want to kiss her, either.”

“And that’s fine too. First base is overrated. Not like I’ve ever kissed anyone, either.”

“She leaned in to kiss me. At least, I thought she was going to.”

“Oh?” Hide’s eyes lit up, suddenly interested. So they did have more physical stuff going on on that date. He knew they had to!

“But when she did… I felt… afraid.”

“It’s fine to be nervous.”

“Not nervous.” Kaneki said firmly. “Afraid.”

“Afraid of being a bad kisser?”

“Afraid of being kissed.” Kaneki admitted. “She was holding me, and coming in to kiss me, and I just felt afraid. I didn’t want her to kiss me. My heart was pounding in my ears and I couldn’t move and all I could think was, I don’t actually want this.”

“Did she back off?” Hide asked, holding his breath.

“Well… She didn’t kiss me…” Kaneki muttered.

“So you didn’t like her.” Hide said.

“I did like her.” Kaneki said. “She was pretty and I had a fun time with her.”

“So you liked her as a friend.”

“...As a friend?”

“Right? Sounds that way to me.”

Kaneki ducked his head and sighed.

“It’s fine. There’s other fish in the sea.”

“How can you tell?”

“Do you know how many girls there are in Tokyo alone, nevermind the whole wide—?”

“No. How can you tell if you like someone as a friend or as a girlfriend?”

“You, you know, feel different about them.” Hide said. But between Kaneki’s blank stare, and what he had just admitted, he realized that Kaneki did not in fact know.

“Uh, let’s see. You get anxious around them. But a good kind of anxious, not like anxiety but like excitement. You really want to spend more time around them. And they make you really happy. So much that sometimes you can overdo it while not realizing it. You know how in movies someone will laugh way too long at the bad joke their crush said? Like that.”

“But what’s the difference?” Kaneki asked. “You feel that way about friends too. Right?”

“Er, sorta? Sometimes?” Hide grit his teeth, starting to get confused himself. He knew the difference, but it wasn’t something he could put into words.

“But you can tell?” Kaneki asked.

“Yeah. I mean, I think so.”

“Then either… I like everyone… or I like no one...”