#armyrewind

I posted this originally on Twitter following this trend, I’m posting it here too CAUSE I CAN.

I kept delaying this for too long now, but I'm gonna go into full detail now that I have some spare time. Let's go! #ARMYRewind

Back in 2017 I had started taking Japanese classes, one of my classmates sent to the gc a bunch of songs of kpop groups but their songs were in Japanese. You could say I'm a files hoarder cause I don't usually delete what's on my phone, I tend to keep some files for years, so I could see them whenever I opened my mp3 player, but I didn't pay much attention to them.

 Fast forward to 2018, we had a small group of friends and we used to hang out a lot back then, one of them was an ARMY and she used to watch MVs while we were there, but again, we didn't pay much attention to her. For some reason I remember seeing Yoongi at the beginning of the Fire MV, that image got stuck in my head and I thought "so this is what people like now okay".

I was going through a hard time, depression and anxiety have always been there for me and I felt my life was a complete waste, that's why I was clinging desperately to things that would keep me motivated TO KEEP LIVING. I started growing closer to this ARMY friend, her bubbly personality made me happier and I wanted to hang out with her all the time. So one faithful day, April 14/15th, I opened my mp3 player, saw BTS and thought "so let's see what the deal with this group is and why she likes it so much".

The moment BS&T finished playing I knew I was a goner, I was infatuated. The playlist went like this BS&T, I need U, Not today, Run, Spring day, I started to listen to these 5 songs on repeat for days. I haven't thought about a celebrity attractiveness since I was probably 15 so I didn't mind about what they looked like, I just needed MORE SONGS. Soon after Fire was added to that playlist.

I kept all this secret cause I had a mean metalhead facade to take care of, so pop groups and more so kpop groups were utter blasphemy. A whole month later of having those 6 songs on repeat went by. I own a video game store and we used to go to anime events, they usually play anime songs and had recently started including kpop songs. When I heard Fire in Korean, I can't even begin to explain what that did to me, I was starving for more BTS songs, I needed MORE.

I texted this ARMY friend feigning ignorance, I asked her what's the deal with the animals thingies that had BTS logos on them, she explained they were BT21 characters and sent me the vids where they created them, I told her I would watch them as soon as I got home, and so I did. I wasn't that impressed cause I didn't know the members but since I'm an artist I had so much fun watching them create their own characters.

A few days later youtube did its stalker job and recommended me a funny video, that's when I finally began paying attention to the members and their personalities. Now I know most people don't like those videos about Yoongi being portrait as a cold hearted person but the vid BTS members being lowkey terrified of SUGA or whatev picked my interest, I have soft spot for bad boys, mind.

The very next day this friend told me to listen to their latest album, LY Tear. It was a cold, rainy day and it made me feel weird but in a good way when I listened to it, all the songs had a new style I wasn't familiar with and I was fascinated. This was when I realised I was going down the rabbit hole. Slowly but surely I started going through their discography and every song I listened to, was a song I ended up loving.

I bawled my eyes out when I listened to Young forever and read the comments, I really felt they were taking my hand and telling me everything was okay. I related so hard when I listened to The last and So far away, I obviously cried more and I've never been a person who cries or showed emotions, that was for the weak, but somehow it felt right. I was starting to accept myself just the way I am.

Slowly but surely I got dragged into the fandom, followed accounts on twitter, saw many memes, they were hilarious and I was having a blast. They encouraged me to get better, they were my happy pill but I knew I needed to get real treatment so I started to go to therapy, working out, losing weight and for the first time in many years life was good. In July my depression worsened and I considered the idea of ending it all for good. I wanted to give one last listen to them, but I noticed they made me happy, they gave me that dopamine rush I needed to keep going, I completely dropped the idea of giving up and haven't looked back since.

In 2019 I had two major events that made me go 10 steps back, took me months to get on my feet again, but I kept fighting alongside their messages and music. Life is hard, even harder with a mental health issue, but these 7 fine lads were the only ones who, for the first time in my life, made me feel validated, that it's okay to be me, it's okay to be flawed and it's a must to aim to be better people. It’s also wonderful to see other ARMYs feeling this way too. I owe them my life, I'm obviously proud to call myself an ARMY and I’ll be forever grateful to their contribution to the music industry.

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