#arle fluff

Arlecchino has a rule— as blunt as she may be, she isn’t as cruel as the world likes to make her out to be. Judgemental, though she is, she refuses to comment on something that a person cannot change. She deems it basic decency (it is), but even some of the most polite people she knows don’t hesitate before speaking, or, well, looking. Despite the discomfort she knows you experience when people’s eyes wander and dwell on the exact thing you don’t want them to look at, she herself has never done so. Curious, she has to admit she has been, as would most be if they had a girlfriend with such marks littering her skin. Purely out of concern and care does she wish to know the story of what led you to make such decisions. She does not ask. Arlecchino herself has scars from countless hours of training herself to execute ‘Mother’, ones she keeps hidden under the fabric of her pristine white suit. Ones only you have seen, during moments of intimacy when the night is dark and the air in the room is so suffocatingly warm. You know her story, so you don’t ask.

It seems to be a cycle. She sees them, says nothing, and holds back from doing what she’d really like to do for fear of being insensitive or revealing the softness she keeps hidden. The marks are hidden again, and neither of you say a word. In truth, they shouldn’t be the main focus of the conversation and she understands that, but a part of her yearns to know you, and to understand the parts of you that you’ve refused to reveal.

On the days she catches you staring just a little too longingly at That Drawer in the kitchen, or the days where you seem a little more miserable than usual when you glance at your skin, she’s sure to pull you away from the mirror or the kitchen under the guise of needing you to look over some of the plans for the orphanage, or needing to go shopping. She’s so good at doing so, you don’t even notice she’s done it until hours later.

One particular night, after multiple hours of pleasure and mumbled words of affection, she decides to be bold. Hesitantly, her blackened hand reaches to rest on your thigh. The act itself is nothing new, with you, Arlecchino is a very touchy person, always reminding both her and you that you’re hers. Her thumb however, strokes over one particular scar she’s eyed for a while. It’s a feather light touch, testing the waters, and she’s perfectly prepared to lift her hand away should you indicate as such. You do not. You lean into her touch, almost, like you’ve been waiting for her to get comfortable enough to touch them. You become lost in your own thoughts, and you become unaware of how much time passes before her voice cuts through them, as stern as always, but softer than usual.

“Is this recent?” She hums in slight disapproval as her thumb grazes over it, but she says nothing more, which, if you’re honest, you’re grateful for.

“I had a moment,” you mutter in reply, your head buried into her neck. Her perfume still adorns her skin, and you wonder how expensive said perfume must be if it’s been able to last such a long time, and through such strenuous activity. “I realised and I stopped.”

“Good.” A breath, and her voice lowers until it’s barely louder than a murmur. The sincerity is there though, and her lips move against your hair. “I am proud of you. You have done well.”

“I have not done well, it is—“

“You would not have stopped four years ago. Or two, for that matter. Any progress is better than no progress.” Arlecchino’s voice is gentle, yet unwavering. When you go to protest again, she can practically see the words form before your voice can carry them. “Of course I know how often you were doing it. I am no fool. I said nothing because begging someone to stop doing something when they do not wish to stop is a fruitless endeavour and harmful for both parties in the long run. I just wished you would speak to me if you needed.”

You decide to continue letting her trace every scar she finds on your body. She traces random shapes with the tip of her nail (lucky for you, she filed them a while ago. For.. other reasons). In a moment of affection, she traces little hearts over each one, never missing one, and never giving one more care than another. Both of you stay silent, but the words don’t need to be spoken, and any words that did, have already been said. Arlecchino sees no need in making you uncomfortable when she knows you’ll speak if you need.

You have always seemed to have your own silent troubles with body image and eating. Now of course, Arlecchino noticed the day she met you. You can hide it as much as you want to, but she’s become quite aware of your little tricks, and that convincing smile. For the peace of the house, she goes along with them, for the most part. What else can she do when you refuse to admit you have an issue? She instead opts to sit with you when you eat, always snacking on something herself despite her appetite being smaller than the average person. When you attempt to distract either her or yourself from whatever meal you both have sat down to eat, a singular finger will gently tap on the side of the plate or the bowl, a small but silent indicator that she knows what you’re doing, and it isn’t working.

You were getting a little bit better for a while, but someone you hadn’t seen in a while had commented on your body and it had gone downhill from there. Since then, she has watched you with a careful eye, and of course, taken the batteries out of the scale. Arlecchino is one to silently deter you, rather than intervene and make you feel attacked. She has learned from experience that it does not help.

However, when she notices that you once again have not eaten the entire day, she realises that giving you some fruit cubes or a bowl of soup will not suffice. So, she cooks for you. The woman can cook, yes, but not anything other than salt and pepper. She cooks a bland meal, a little variation of your favourite one. She just cannot bring herself to put in the chilli flakes. She casts glances at you as you sit in the living room, noting down each detail she notices about you— the way you’ve chosen baggy clothes over the usual outfits you love to wear. The sad eyes and the way you avoid any hint of a reflection as to avoid seeing yourself. Arlecchino thinks it is so, so sad when the person she loves so dearly cannot bring themselves to love themselves too.

When Arlecchino moves to sit next to you with two plates in her hand, you already know, and you’re already prepared to refuse. Before you could open your mouth, though, the plate is placed in your hands, with one word. ‘Eat.’

You take a few small bites, enough for her eyes to stop watching you constantly. Once you think she’s calmed down, you go about your typical tricks. Yapping on about anything and everything and always attempting to distract her. It does not work this time.

“You aren’t fooling me,” she hums, tapping the ceramic plate with her nail. “I made this for you. Please try to eat it.”

You find yourself faltering at the pleading tone in her voice. Arlecchino does not plead, nor does she ask, or beg. She doesn’t seem to be Arlecchino now, though. She is not The Knave. She’s how she is when she’s alone with you, where she allows you to call her by her true name.

“Peruere, I am not hungry.” You begin, eager to appease her. Peruere is stubborn, though, and wants to hear absolutely nothing about it.

“You are, and you will eat. Please. You look miserable, and I dislike when you are miserable. Why must you suffer for beauty standards that are so unrealistic?” For once, her voice is soft instead of the harsh, cold voice you’ve grown to love. It’s different, but you can’t say you mind it.

“You say that, but you’re beautiful,” you mutter, staring at the plate in front of you. Your hand absentmindedly twirls the fork around. “It’s not the same.”

“I am tall, and I have many scars. I wear a suit. My hands are charred to the extent that they will never return to their true colour. My eyes. I do not fit the so-called standard either, but there is nothing I can do about the issue, so why would I waste my hours suffering at the hands of myself because of it? Why would you, when you are so perfect to me?”

You huff in annoyance, but purely because you know she’s hit a nerve in you, and you know she’s right. It irritates you, because you can’t seem to find a witty comeback. You look at her, and her once stoic face has worry written into her features. You see it in the way her eyebrows crease, and the way her head has tilted to the side. It’s the most emotion you’ll get out of her. You stare at her for a little longer before you cave, and while grumbling incoherently, you stab the food with the fork you’re holding (a bit aggressively), before taking a bite.

You chew for a while, longer than necessary, and she cocks an eyebrow in a silent command. You continue chewing, staring at her for a beat before she realises why you haven’t swallowed yet. She sighs gently, but takes a bite of her own and, the second she swallows, you do too. Peruere decides she’ll take what she can get, and watches as you mirror her until the food has settled into your stomach. Peruere is acutely aware of your little habits, though, and pulls you close to her so you are not able to suddenly stand up.

Your friends are beautiful, handsome. They truly are. Your girlfriend, Arlecchino, is stunning too. It seems everyone around you has the perfect face, looks utterly amazing. You find yourself admiring them whenever you’re around them. Yet, you, yourself, are not any of those things. Not in your own mind. You can’t even look at yourself in the mirror, at least, not recently. You find your eyes burning with hot tears the second you catch a glimpse, and you find yourself growing bitter at the sight of anyone who doesn’t look like you. At least before it got so bad you could joke about how you wanted to be them, and now jealousy has given way to hatred, even if they’ve done nothing wrong.

It isn’t like Arlecchino hasn’t noticed, either. The way your makeup mirror has been flipped around so you don’t have to see yourself, or the way you purposely avoid looking towards any reflective surface, even during intimate activities. And if we’re honest, Arlecchino loves to make you look at yourself while you’re coming undone because of her, except her recent advances have been met with a firm ‘no’.

She can’t figure out why you suddenly began acting like this. Any mention of either your frame or your face turns you angry and silent, with your fists clenching. You aren’t angry really though, you’re just sad. Sad you won’t ever look like the people you wish you could look like. Devastated at the thought that Arlecchino will one day see sense and leave you for one of them. The thought of that hurts you so much you begin distancing yourself from her, too. Arlecchino, at first, is confused. She, for the life of her, cannot understand any of this. Yet, the day comes where you can’t even bring yourself to look at her while she speaks to you, and she can’t seem to keep herself quiet anymore.

“Look at me,” she snaps. She tries not to lose her temper with you, not when she knows there’s a clear reason why you’re acting the way you’re acting, but you’re not saying anything, you won’t even look at her.

You feel your own jaw setting, all of your negative feelings bubbling up for no reason. Unfortunately this time, she seems to be the target. “Or what, you’ll leave me for someone prettier?”

Arlecchino doesn’t flinch, but her expression, the one that’s usually so graceful and emotionless, crumples into a frown of pure disbelief and confusion. Her voice this time comes out as a quiet hiss. “What? You doubt my affection for you after all this time? Is that what this is about?”

When you go to argue back, and your voice breaks into a cry, she softens as much as someone like Arlecchino can soften. “I see,” she murmurs, sitting down next to you. Her hand softly lands on your knee, squeezing it gently. “This again, is it? I have told you countless times—“

“It doesn’t help. I still feel this way.” Your attempt at a venomous response does nothing but highlight how you’re feeling, the exact opposite effect you wanted. Still, you sniffle, your hands curled in on themselves as you talk. “No words will help that I want to rip off my own skin because it feels like I am the ugliest creature to ever walk the earth, or that I feel like I have been created for the universe to be amused at my torment.”

“Yet to me, you are a creature full of beauty and grace. You are wonderful, your face is, too. Do you not think I would have left if I wanted to?” Your response to her words is silence. Unfortunately for your brain, she has a point. She could leave in a heartbeat, you couldn’t stop her if you pleaded. She stays, though. Doesn’t that say enough?