#argument1

3. Remain quiet as you make dinner for yourself and sit down in front of the television to watch the newest episode of your show.

Neither you nor your partner mentions the dishes. You feel resentful that you had to make your own dinner after working, and your partner feels as though you were gone all day just to come home and watch T.V. 

Resentment builds in both of you, although neither of you are aware that the other is feeling this way. Neither of you make dinner for the other, or do the dishes for a few additional times, until the argument is explosive when it does finally happen.

2. Ask why the chores that they were supposed to do haven’t been done. Remind them that you’ve worked all day and that you are the one that brings money into the household.

Your partner responds that they’ve been taking care of your child all day, and that taking care of a child is just as hard as the job you do. They say that you never appreciate the hard work that they do, so they’ve decided not to do the housework. 

You’ve started the argument off by making the situation about yourself, when something is obviously wrong with your partner. They normally do the housework with no complaint, so what’s different this time? The response that you got was equally argumentative to your first comment, and doesn’t get down to the core of why your partner didn’t do the chores they were expected to. In bringing up your position in the household, your partner feels that they are seen as doing inferior work.

But don’t worry! You haven’t doomed this argument to a loss of trust and the building of resentment. Let’s take a look at actions you could take to diffuse this argument and resolve it peacefully.

- Assure your partner that their hard work is appreciated. If you were often thankless in the past, let them know that you’re aware of this and will change. (Making Promises to Change Repair Strategy)

- Discuss with them why they are feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. Go over the division of the chores to see if the arrangement is equitable.

1. Request a sit down discussion with your partner in which you express your concern for their daily habits. Remind them of the existence of your agreement, and ask if there is a reason that this arrangement isn’t working for them.

Your partner responds that they’re feeling down lately, as all they do is stay home, do housework, and take care of a child. They don’t get to spend time with their friends, or maintain any hobbies, because they feel as though they are saddled with the entirety of the childcare.

In this situation, your partner is likely feeling depressed about their daily life. They feel isolated, which is very common in stay-at-home parents. By addressing the problem in a calm and effective way, you’ve gotten your partner to trust that they can open up to you without feeling judged.

What should you do to resolve the argument and build trust/intimacy with your partner? Here are some viable solutions.

- Offer to take care of your child over the weekend, allowing your partner to go out with their friends or partake in a hobby.

- Look into hiring a nanny or into daycare systems so that your partner can go back to work or volunteer.

- Make friends with other couples with small children, and have play-dates in which the kids socialize as well as the adults.

Let’s start with a small argument. You are the sole money-earner in the family. Your partner is a stay-at-home parent to your 2 year old daughter. After a long day at work, you come home to dishes in the sink and nothing cooked for dinner, despite you having an agreement with your partner that they are to perform the household chores while you work outside the home. 

Your partner comes to greet you at the front door. How do you face this issue? 

1. Request a sit down discussion with your partner in which you express your concern for their daily habits. Remind them of the existence of your agreement, and ask if there is a reason that this arrangement isn’t working for them.

2. Ask why the chores that they were supposed to do haven’t been done. Remind them that you’ve worked all day and that you are the one that brings money into the household.