#ardaemon

soft angst starters

There’s a part of her that wants to scream at him. She’d thought he’d known better. Thought he understood. She was getting better, yes, but this… It was too much. Too soon.

Her grip on the broken handle tightens even as her hand moves to place it on the table, soaked palm resting alongside the other shards of porcelain strewn across the wooden surface. She ignores the hot liquid covering her right hand, hardly even noticing that the tea has started to mingle with dark red that now streams from her fingers. The redhead is too preoccupied with her thoughts to even care honesty, narrowed eyes fixated on the space between them.

He doesn’t have the right to ask that question. Doesn’t get to care for her now after talking about him like that. Jack didn’t know anything. None of them did. And even if a small part of her whispered that she, in fact, very likely never actually knew him either, Aki can’t bring herself to stop seething. And she hates herself for that.

How is it she still gets so angry on his behalf? Still couldn’t bring herself to hate him, despite everything that he did? Why did she still act this way, even after everything that she’d come to understand he’d done to others, to her, that she felt the need to protect him?

It makes her feel sick. Disgusted. But still, it was there. No matter how much she tried to exhaust it with stone cold facts, that corrupted sense of loyalty still lingered.

And she hated that Jack was making her face it.

I can't do it. Not now. A childish voice pleaded within her mind, the shreds of her past still clinging to her subconscious like a child to it’s mother. The better part of her, the side where she knows and acknowledges these things as something she needs to move past, wants to take over. Encourages her to breath, to apologize and, hopefully, put this behind them.

But she can’t. Doesn’t have that strength within her quite yet, and instead she finally looks to the blond, brown eyes ablaze with misguided anger.

“Get out.”

                 ❛     fret not.   --------   i am not here to harm nor duel.   ❜

                           CURT TONE VIABLE FROM METALLIC,    lips part ------ divine stature dressed ‘pon ivory clothed dress. kneels before crumbling of vegetation within view.   CARBON  visage mirrors another  ------  as it had from years prior ;  AZURE  gaze not of their own fixate ‘pon taller.  pursing of lip  /  curl of digit  /  caress of palm to vine.   

[Late reply is late - sorry, I kinda got carried away in my ramblings m__m Aaanyways, here I go~

💩Ship that you find disgusting: 

Pendulumshipping. There’s nothing more disgusting than butcheringa complex intelligent morally gray character for the sake of OMGGGG,stoic character x emotional little sunshine aesthetics – especiallysince Konami forcing Reiji to acknowledge and care about Yuuya is theroot of his writing gradually becoming shittier and shittier untilhe’s effectively been turned into a braindead egao zombie, with evenhis personal struggle being reduced to FAMILY FEELS and FORGIVENESS –all to make his “development” match Yuuya’s childish ideals.

(And I predicted it from the moment Tsukikage delivered Reira’sletter)Yuuya has exactly nothing to offer to Reiji –neither as a friend nor in a relationship- other than migrainessince… as we’ve seen (or haven’t seen cause shipping goggles reallycan make a person delusional and braindead), the Reiji still true tohis values and his own identity considered Yuuya an incredibly naïvehypocrite who is veeeeeery mentally weak on top of it- but yes,suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. Of course, Reiji Akaba, someone having resolved toalways face reality and constantly analyze and better himself- andwho has absolutely no regard for anything that is not genuine –actually dreams of losing enough braincells to be the same as thevery embodiment of everything he has evolved past and/or rejectsdeeply.

And the shippers… gooooooosh. I’ve yet to meet a Pendulumshippernot glorifying the commonly accepted humiliation surrounding the act of fixing acharacter- or person- whose needs and values don’t match their own.And as someone who’s been dealing with the exact same bullshitReiji’s so-called “fans” and Pendulumshippers have been forcingupon him for more than half of her life and grown severely ill fromit (spoiler: it took me more than 4 years to even get propertreatment)- I have a very deep and personal hatred for this ship andits shippers.

💙Ship that you used to have as an OTP: 

ShunYuuto. Gosh, did I adore that ship- but now, after getting fartoo deep into Shun meta, I just can’t see it anymore – at least notromantically. While it would work perfectly from Yuuto’s end, Yuutowouldn’t be able to provide Shun with what he’d look for in apartner, and unfortunately, the two precious Xyz children aren’tequals either – which is a must for any romantic Shun ship intendedto work till, well, one of them dies.

It does hold some appeal as a temporary ship, though, with bothcharacters deciding to go back to being friends after some time.

💦Ship that is taboo:  

Romantic! Shun x any of the braceletgirls- period.

💢Ship that is most misunderstood:

Hostageshipping. There are two most common interpretations – andthey are both godawful and almost equally cringeworthy.

The first: Reiji the Abusive Manipulative Super Dom x Shun TheAggressive Beast Needing To Be Tamed…. like, wooooooooooow. Yes, itis a fact that like 80% of their canon scenes are incredibly negativeand Reiji needs to be punched for, like, every second thing he saysor does to Shun- however, every single detail of that can basicallybe explained with Shun basically being the personification of almostevery aspect of Reiji’s plans gone wrong – and to acknowledge Shunas a strong intelligent person and his equal is the same as admittingto himself that his intellect and determination don’t make himinvulnerable and that he wouldn’t have fared any better, had theirpositions been reversed- something he had to convince himself of toenable himself to take up arms against his father at such a youngage. To overcome such weakness and grow as a person by takingresponsibility for his unjustified behavior towards Shun (and Yuuto)as a result would be the ideal character development for someone likeReiji because gosh, the way he was dumbed down beyond recognition andmade to give up everything there was to him for the sake of EGAO isjust insulting XX___XXOther than that, let’s be real here:Neither would someone like Reiji see any appeal in someonesusceptible to manipulation nor would Shun actually fall for suchdeceptions (I was just bringing up his eye motif earlier today lol),so don’t insult the precious ones – please and thank you.

The second: OMG, they are both so AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWKwaaaaaaaaaaaaardand can’t even kiss or talk to one another without messing up andmaking those witnessing it (aka the reader) die of second-handembarrassment. But let’s pretend Reiji didn’t play a considerablerole in Yuuto’s death and did everything to keep Shun from learningthe truth for the sake of convenience, shall we? Plus, they are bothpoor pure misled cinnamon rolls, and they have made sooooooooooooooomany mistakes they regret deeply, and gooooooosh, what even isa morally gray character?

I will repeat it as many times as I have to, but:  The greatestinsult you can deal to an intelligent morally gray character is toinfantilize them.

But what is a proper interpretation of Hostage, then? Keeping thisshort, as I’ve actually been working on a rather lengthy post about themeta surrounding this ship, but these are some basic rules of thumb:

If they aren’t equals, you are doing something wrong.

If their relationship isn’t based on a strong intellectual foundation, onthem being drawn to and fascinated by the other’s mind, and theirnearly identical values and morality, you are doing something wrong(physical and emotional attraction occurs after that).

“And when Heartland was being rebuilt, they-” wrong.You can’t built a relationship on one of the main factors responsiblefor Shun having been reduced to a braindead plot device. Give them aconflict they can overcome together, and have them both grow from itand the other’s influence.

Give them brilliant strategist and keen real-time tacticianthemed interactions. Doing that allows you to highlight the way theycomplement one another, and it also makes for really nice aestheticson top of it.

As for the awkwardness part, Shun is a no-nonsense person, meaninghe’d do something about that very quickly. Other than that, they areboth way too busy fighting in and preparing for a dimensional war, soit really doesn’t make sense for either to give too many fucks aboutthe way they appear around their crush, and the “crushing on theother without taking action stage” is incredibly short forthese two. Of course, there is still the matter of them actuallyhaving to realize that they got it bad XD

           HIS VOICE FILLS THE SPACE where silence had lingered for too long. And when it reaches her ears, it’s soft. Softer than the rain that continues to pound against the wall of windows that stretch all the way from ceiling to floor. But he is close enough for the sound to carry. He is close enough to touch. His hand reaching out to do just that, fingers gently combing through her hair and no doubt delighting in the way silky strands slip and glide between them. As though she were made of water.

                                               Tangible, but hard to keep hold of.

           ❛   Jack . . .  ❜     Her voice follows shortly after, but there’s a hitch in her words that hints at the flurry of thoughts still swirling around inside her mind. She can’t decide whether to question the reasoning behind his words or simply protest his actions altogether. There had always been this wall that had existed between them. Many a time he had tried over and again to slip through the barrier, but never with much success. Not until this very moment. With his hand cradling her cheek, thumb sweeping away the wet trails from beneath her eyes.

          She’s blindsided by such tender affection and so completely unprepared to stop the second wave of water that wells up within light eyes.  

          How long had it been ?   How long had she been deluding herself that she could live without the warmth of another’s touch ?

         The pain that swells within her chest is the result of a hunger that had been left to starve for far too long. It’s as though his touch had opened a floodgate and suddenly her mind catches up to what her heart has desired all along. She’s desperate to touch and be touched. To love and be loved. But the image that flashes through her mind is not of the one who stood before her and it causes her to pause. Silence settling between them once again as she attempts to sift through the chaos of conflicting emotions to find the right words -- and somehow . . .   somewhere in that quiet space, he found a hole in which to slip through. Years of carefully constructed defenses shattered as lips crash against her own.

“I’m only goin’ t’get this one chance.” Rare was it for the king to put down his crown, rare to have arrogance cast from his court and foul attitudes banished beyond his borders -- rarer still for the dragon to come to his master so poe-faced, sombre in look and pinched of brow. Gone were the smirks of assured victory, the fiery spark of vicious joy with every finishing blow, every decisive duel. It was an ancient thing to stand before Jack; a true beast of concern, and a far cry from his ruling leviathan.

“She ain’t gonna come back from this, Boss.” Gruffly spoken, words hung like bullets on the beast’s lips, the taste of Jack’s hope bloody and sour. “Once they’ve gotten their claws into someone, there ain’t no comin’ back.”

there seemed to be much more that yusei had to be than wanted. it would always amaze him how selfless his friend was, and how willingly he gave up everything just to make others happy. jack didn’t understand that, though, to some degree appreciated and… admired. yet definitely was not jealous.

a friend to rua and ruca, but also their guardian; protector of rally and the rest of the squad more than a companion. always ready to help if anyone in the satellite was in need, just to finally become that dystopian place’s saviour by bringing it back together with the city. yusei could pretend he was not exhausted by always being there for everybody, but jack knew him better than anyone else, and he wasn’t the one to fool.

“it’s really hard to know sometimes, isn’t it?” he muttered, for a brief moment turning his eyes onto yusei. “don’t get upset by what i’m about  to tell you,” jack warned, raising his hand slightly, letting his friend know not to interrupt, “but if you want my opinion, you have to finally stop being what others want you to be. just quit it. focus on yourself, yusei, or you’ll become a mere reflection of people’s expectations.”

it reminded him of the days back when he used to wield the title of the king of riding duels. when he used to act like the audience and – first and foremost – godwin expected him to. and then everything had disappeared, setting him free from that burden, but bringing another question of who the hell he was, what was his purpose after reaching everything he used to dream of.

the thing was, he still didn’t know. 

It was a moment where Yusei had allowed himself to be honest for once not only with himself but with his friend as well. A moment of something like a weakness, because usually he wouldn't allow himself to do so. Usually there was enough to keep himself occupied with. Things he had to do. To think about. The responsibility he put onto his shoulders over the last years was one that wasn't easy to forget or to shove away and yet... he couldn't exactly tell what had happen to ask himself this question. To even voice it out aloud but in this situation it had felt so natural that he couldn't stop himself.

The reaction he got from the other one was not quite the one he expected but at the same time.. it helped Yusei to feel not that stupid to even think about it like that.

Tilting his head to the side he took a look at the other one, eyes meeting for a moment, as Yusei raised one of his eyebrows in slight confusion. That nearly sounded like Jack knew what he was talking about. Even understanding. But the duelist didn't get the chance to question that as the other one continued to talk again, this time a little bit louder what lead him to wonder if he even had been supposed to hear the first few words. In the end his confusion was enough for not even thinking about interrupting the other one, even though he was carefully listening none the less.

Stop being what others wanted hu? That sounded so easy and at the same time so hard because while he could probably tell what the others expected him to be the real question was... what was left?

Focus on yourself he said. But what was that even supposed to mean?

"You say that so easily like that but..." It wasn't easy, was it? Not only because he didn't know what he would have left if he just quit everything that was expected to him. There also was the question, the small feeling of guilt already rising , about what would happen if he would just stop with everything that was expected of him as well. It felt like he would let people down. People close and important to him. Rua, Ruca... Rally.. .he couldn't just went and ignore them and at the same time...

Maybe he never really had allowed himself to be himself in the first place. From his early days on there always had been this feeling of being responsible for the mistakes of his father. Always the thought that he had to make up for them.

So the real question was... who was he really? Who wanted he to be?