#arc:aftermath

“i’m surprised you have anything resembling books in here.” 

okay, this time he has to say “ma” which only gets him a mocking echo of his tone and a shake of her shoulders. but he does feel the need to look into what she’s talking about and he finds remnants from the years, half-used notepads and scraps of paper tossed into a corner of the studio for ‘sorting when he had the time’ which translated to ‘never gonna happen.’ 

finding the original napkin he started writing statue on is surreal when he’s finally finished it by now, finally sang it for mijoo months ago even if it was only a recording. his mom snatches it from his hand and he groans as she reads it off, the words of the initial draft too embarrassing for him to handle. covering his ears with his hands, he yells over her, a childish la la la la la can’t hear you loud enough to echo throughout the whole warehouse if not for the immaculate design of the built-in room. pays off having an architect father, really does. 

it’s only later than he goes through the rest of the scraps, having gathered them into a box. his mother is off meeting up with some old friends because she’s quote ‘gotten tired of seeing her least favorite idol son [ to which he reminds her that he is the only one and an ex-idol, which aha is what she wanted him to say judging by the smug, amused look on her face— gee, thanks ma, no holding back there ] unquote, so he’s free to look at them all. 

that’s when a few texts come in and he’s distracted for better or worse. 

< ✉ : adonis johnson  >

» hey hey have you heard about the trc triple threat competition » i’m not saying you should join but » pretty sure you can sing, dance, and rap 🙌

it’s a lofty suggestion considering his situation, is he even allowed to do that kind of shit? he didn’t think to ask sphere when he left and the companies are under the same umbrella company. would they bother with him?  who cares about a washed-up idol that got kicked out within months of debut? 

but he can’t say that to chanyeol, least of all him when he’s sunshine and rainbows in a giant human form. it’d be nice to debut together, their entire friend dream had this same kind of lofty dream too. now yien and yixing are in convex without him, chanyeol is in trc, bobby is off doing his own thing, and rome can’t make up his mind from left and right. trying to come off as a triple threat? yeah, sure he was definitely a threat to convex with his scandal. 

'course he knows better than to think it’ll end there and he hears all about it from dabin too. the difference being, dabin is going to do it. “you can decide if you’re waiting in line with me or watching me from the crowd.” he almost punches dabin’s arm for deliberately saying it in a way that’ll remind him of what baek jiyoung said to him before. is he willing to be a face in the crowd again? is that really his destiny? does he give up here or not? 

truth is, he’s made his choice before coming back from australia. because he could’ve stayed, could’ve gone on that trip with chris, could’ve gone back to uni. he left behind a list of could’a, should’a, wouldn’t, and it’s about more than coming back to seoul for mijoo. it was about him loving dance and whether he follows through on opening his own dance studio, working in someone else’s, or helping the guys produce and edit videos, this can’t be it for him. 

“i don’t have a song to use, man. i’ve got nothing.” 

“you’ve got me,” the cheeky grin chanyeol gives him makes him laugh and he’s shaking his head. but it’s what chanyeol says next that’s got him. “you’ve got excuses.” 

dabin is quick to add in that of all the things rome’s done and said, he’s never had nothing. 

so he’s back in front of that damned box, digging through for inspiration and he says this is it, if he can’t find anything, he’ll see it as good reason to keep working hard ‘til he’s ready instead of forcing it. 

what he does find is something he wrote as a whim, something he never finished before. the idea came to him once and he was going to work on it with yerim years ago but plans fell to the wayside. his idea got lost, buried under everything, and when he reads the start again, the rework of the melody plays in his mind. yeah, this is it. 

his studio becomes messier once he gets to work and instead of complaining or making fun of him, his mom brings him food on one of the nights he’s working past 4am to finish in time. it has to sound just right and while he knows it can’t sound complete without the entire group he has in mind for the performance, he can make it work for this one in particular. “my hard working little princess,” his mom teases when he tells her the song he’s remixing and he laughs harder when the reaction chanyeol gives him is “WTF” via text. the final reveal is only for the day of and he’s endured all the new jokes for this moment, jokes of should he wear a blue tiara, a cape, or even a sparkly blue dress. every time, he said it’s okay, he’d just take it off so he can “let it go” anyway. 

even though he said all that, dabin shakes an icy looking tiara in his face on the day of, lining up with him, and rome yells ya whenever dabin tries to put it on his head until he gets tired of it, giving in and letting it rest there to the point that he forgets when it’s his turn. the laughs and giggles from the crowd tips him off when he gets onstage and he’s chuckling as he holds it in place when he bows. might as well go with it, right? why the hell not? 

“the name’s yu barom. i go by bboybyu or rome. romeo’s good too if you like tragedies,” he jokes, both about the shakespearean tale and what happened. “i’m here ‘cause, aw man, i just can’t hold it back anymore.” he’d asked the staff with a number of “please” and “thank you” to start the music when he said aw man, and he’s tossing the tiara to the side as he sings, let it go let it go. 

00:06 to 01:14 

like the last performance he’d felt so into, the last performance that was entirely his own, his own stage, one of the last evaluations they did for convex before going into the debut album preparation, he sings first, trying to throw off the judges who probably expect him to shy away from it. lord knows, he thought he would too but what’s a cover of let it go without singing even a little? 

the wall people built to lock me up  pretending to be okay because of people’s eyes on me i learned while falling have you ever had a feeling like everyday, you’re walking on thin ice 

the first time he wrote the lyrics, it’d been who he was in high school, how he felt after the mgas, how he felt in nova, and now it’s about how he feels after leaving convex and sphere. his father had a point, he does act like he’s okay but really he’s walking on thin ice, faking it until he tricks even himself into believing. 

oh i want to get away from the things that bother me oh let it go, let it be me  become alive and breathe in this freedom look closely at how far i will go to the people that hate me,  let me say goodbye 

he almost decided to run away from everything. it would’ve been easy, go back to sydney like nothing happened, but this can’t be it. every time he thinks it could be, he keeps going. 

don’t let them in don’t let them see be the good boy you always have to be conceal, don’t feel don’t let them know well now they know

TURN UP let it go, let it let it go  let it go, let it let it go I DON’T CARE ‘BOUT NOTHING SO WHAT

this is where he really shines, his true element. this is what his father really spoke of, how rome doesn’t let anything hold him back in the long run and he has to let it go. this time, this is how he does it. this is how he moves on.  

“let’s switch it up!”

00:07 to 00:45

“i told you that you don’t have to come!” partially true, because his mom was willing to postpone one of her jobs in order to go with him instead—   because, in her words, this was too important a moment for her to miss out, which, in turn, made rome feel more bashful about it. 

no matter how many times he told her and all of them for that matter, none of them believed him when he said it isn’t like that. but... he has to admit, when he thinks about how long it’s been, he can’t blame them either. come december, it’ll be four years. four years since she told him for the first time. he’s been hers for years before that too— without her knowing it, without himself knowing at first. now that he’s back home, he’s where it all started too, something his sister doesn’t fail to remind him of on the short flight over. 

he can hear the pride in her voice from time to time though. she’s the second woman in his life to teach him how to act, after all. the second most important woman in his life for a long time too. when she jokes that she’s moved down a spot, he only tells her she’s moved down two because of his niece and baek jiyoung. when it’s all said and done, he’s still grateful for everything, still grateful for his journey. 

“what are you doing?” 

the question isn’t just about this trip itself, he knows it’s not. with hannah, it’s never just about one thing. it’s multiple and if he or any of his brothers can’t figure it out, they’re shit outta luck. it has to be about his plans from now on, about why he did what he did, about whether or not he’s staying, about why he’s doing this now; and, because of that, he doesn’t know where to start. there’s something about her tone that always hits him hardest and he’s certain she got it from their mother. of course, out of all of them, it’d be her to get it but top that off that with their father’s naturally authoritative tone and she could have anyone shaking in their boots. 

“just tryna take things one step at a time, ya’no.” 

he doesn’t have to look at her to feel the disapproval, the disappointment in his lack of an actual answer. but it’s her hand that reaches out first, resting on his forearm and he takes a deep breath as he claps his own over his sister’s. her hand seems smaller than he remembers, more fragile and he wonders, for a brief second, if it’s cause for alarm but she cuts off his thoughts with this: “i want you to be happy, you idiot.” 

his face scrunches up and he’s laughing as he turns to look at her more intently, nodding, “you know i am.” it’s just how he lives his life, not wanting to stay in a negative headspace for long, he does anything it takes to slip out of it. 

“no, i don’t. you didn’t even tell us why you were kicked out until that netizen was going on and on about it and my friend told me about it first, asking me why my brother really left. it makes me sad that i didn’t know the answer too.” 

“aw, come on, han.” 

she pulls her hand away, running her fingers through short, violet locks and he thinks it’s perfect timing for him to mention, “we’ve all changed. i couldn’t tell you without talking to olivia about it first and she...” 

this part he hasn’t really told anyone. a part of him might break if he does, that’s how he’s felt since— talk about it and it’s too real, talk about it and it’ll hit him more: that mijoo could’ve, maybe should’ve broken up with him over it. “i’m lucky, you know... lucky she loves me enough to stay with me but how long—” the laugh is fake and he’s shaking his head, turning away so she can’t see the way his face has sunk, how the light in his eyes is fading out. 

“you’re saying things we already knew, kid. you’ve been lucky to have her from the start,” rome snorts, only because it’s amused him from the first moment how much his family adores mijoo. “but you’re both lucky.” 

truthfully, hannah knows part of the reason she’s upset over it is because the boys have been closer to each other for a long time now, especially now that they’re no longer children arguing every summer over who gets the tv and who’s using up all the wifi. that moment with her coworker made her realize she doesn’t know enough about what’s going on with her own brother and he’s the one she has to reach out to the most with all the distance in between. 

“i couldn’t do it, if jean asked me—” 

“hey, hey none of that out’a you. get your own or make your own.” 

rolling his eyes, rome doesn’t even bother acknowledging those words knowing that his entire family knows why he can’t, why he won’t be starting a family anytime soon, and he’s honestly okay with that. he felt too young anyway even if he’s about the age jake got married at. 

“ay, where’s hannah at?”

“still in brisbane with her girlfriend.” 

“they’re not engaged yet?” 

“nah, she said she doesn’t care. don’t worry dumbass.” he can hear his sister-in-law’s yell from across the room and rome’s snickering as he reaches out to cover his niece’s ears. “my bad.” jake laughs shamelessly, pushing rome’s hands away and leaning down to cover his daughter’s face in kisses as ‘he apologizes.’ 

“like i was sayin’ don’t worry, she said she might not be into it but she’ll go with you to melbourne.” 

“good. i can’t trust you. we all know that theresa chooses everything herself.” 

“ter, come here and hold the baby for a second.” rome’s laughter fills the room as he makes his escape and it’s enough to make chris come out of his room to join in without knowing why. none of them ever really need a reason to dog pile if there’s a chance and while rome is groaning from the bottom of the heap, he’s happy that home still feels like this. 

—

“do you think you’ll come visit more often?” 

he’d been hoping this question would take longer to surface but chris grew up more straight-forward than he is and it’s quite a feat that he accomplished that when rome is already shamelessly open as it is. 

“i’ll try, man.” 

chris’ sigh is deep and it makes rome’s shoulders tense up a bit. there’s a moment of silence as he reaches over to pat the youngest’s shoulder. 

“guess this means you’re not gonna come with me, huh?” 

“you know... i think you gotta handle some of this on your own. you’ll be alright. hey, you’ll end up glad i didn’t go with you because this is your trip. you worked hard for it, man.” 

how similar they were is still alarming to this day   —   down to the personalities and the contempt for schoolwork. even their taste in food and women is similar. so knowing his brother brought his grades up his junior year, powering through his last, and rose up close to the sun, he’s proud. always has been. 

“what about peru? i know you wanna go there.” 

“ask me later,” he chuckles and he doesn’t miss the way chris’ eyes light up. it’s the same way jake used to answer them whenever they begged to go out as kids. the same way their brother would pretend it’s gonna be a no when he’s willing to give them everything. 

there’s no mistaking it, that’s his father standing in front of his door with the same carry-on luggage rome used to see him leave home with every other week when he was a kid. his mom’s words are rushed now but he gets that the gist of it all is: you met up with him so i’m going. with his mom at least in the same continent as him, he would’ve expected her at his doorstep a helluva lot sooner than he’d predict his father there. 

“uh, hey, dad,” he pauses, still more awkward with his father on his own than he is with the matriarch of the family. “why are you h—” arms wrap around him and his eyes widen, recalling the last time being a lot shorter, a lot less serious, and much more confusing. 

“let’s go inside. it was a long flight,” his dad looks more casual than he’s ever been and rome’s baffled, a bumbling mess again in front of his father. 

“uh, yeah. no, ‘course it was.” 

—

the next morning, he wakes up to a home cooked breakfast and he wonders why his father is doing all this, why he’s here during one of the busier times of the year— that said, there’s not much of a slow period for his dad’s firm. 

“i’ve got a few meetings this morning but eat up and let’s go out for lunch, okay?” 

there’s still no clarity in sight but rome nods as he takes a few bites of scrambled egg, watching his dad casually leave as if this were their place back in sydney. he goes through what’s a semblance of a morning routine since he’s left sphere: morning jog, a shower, and texting a few of the guys about their plans today to see if he can lend a hand. seik is still the one least likely to answer him and he can’t blame the guy, especially when he’s upset over dabin too. today, he gets a response and he knows it’s because he mentioned his dad is in town and seik asks the same question rome has on his mind: 

                                                   is he gonna ask you to come home? 

—

lunchtime comes just like that and he feels unproductive even though some of his previous students have arranged sessions with him. he worries about the paperwork but it’s all surface-level, nothing deep enough for him to be actually concerned, and he thinks he’s falling into a rut before anything happens. he doesn’t know if he has to dress up in business casual or not. the last time he met his father alone for lunch like this, it turned out to be an interview for university, the same one he got into back home, the one he turned down to come to seoul. 

getting ready as if he’s about to meet one of his students, he comes in slacks and a white button-up only to change in the end when his father texts that they’re gonna grab some food and take a walk around the neighborhood. some of the guys are already set-up in his studio when he leaves and he’s glad for a distraction from how much he’s missed since diving back into the idol industry. 

his dad’s got a bag of convenience store food with him when he catches up to him and rome hides his surprise behind his excitement that it’s some of his favorites. how his dad managed that, he’s got no idea. 

“so... what’s up, pa? got somethin’ on your mind?” better to get it over with now than later, he tells himself as he takes a bite into the shrimp tempura rice ball. damn delicious, he praises it in his mind before taking a longer look at his father. 

“i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you in the past.” 

‘course he ends up choking on such good food. 

“it’s alright,” his brows are heavily knit together and he has to wipe his hand on his jeans. “i mean, it’s in the past, ya’no.” 

his dad chuckles, shaking his head, and rome thinks they look awfully alike when his father does that. “you were too easy-going as a kid. you still are. that’s why i was surprised by how much of a fighter you are.” 

he doesn’t get it at first but he figures it must be referring to how stubborn he was about pursuing the arts. rome shrugs and he further proves his dad’s point right. 

“that’s how i knew you’d tell any of us it’s okay that you were kicked out of the group.” 

everything sounds muffled now, his heart’s in his throat by the way it’s closing up, and he avoids meeting his father’s gaze. 

“you grew up into a fine young man and i can’t take any credit for it.” 

“come on, pa. that’s not true,” and it’s not to him. his father taught him plenty, even if he wasn’t actually around for him most of the time. the taste in his mouth used to be bitter, metallic, when he thought of his relationship with his father but he never hated him. he couldn’t. he can’t. 

“you learned a lot on your own. you’re like your mother that way, learning by going out there and figuring things out by yourself. you’ve made sacrifices too. your mother made her own when she got married. when you kids were younger... she couldn’t go out on assignment as often and she loved you guys but i know she was upset with me. i told her my career was more stable, to let me work instead.” 

fragments of the arguments he used to hear his parents have make more sense as his dad continues but he doesn’t want him to know that he heard. he’s never once told either of his parents that he knows why his father had so much doubt when he was born. 

“she’s happier now with her career and it took me too long to see that. i don’t want to be late for you too. i know i have been,” he sighs, clapping a hand onto rome’s shoulder. “but not anymore so let’s talk, kiddo. your studio’s a mess.” 

his father’s still in town when he gets the texts from mijoo and the teasing tone his father has when asking why he’s smiling is what he used to want when he was younger— to have a conversation with his dad the way he’s only seen on tv and in movies, read about in the few books he pretends to not have read but the past few weeks have been amazing. 

his only regret is not being able to tell mijoo all about it, how he’s excited to go back home for a visit and doesn’t have to worry that he’ll be pressured to study architecture again. instead, it was his own weakness that made him question if he should and he can see it in his father’s eyes that he could do anything and he’ll have support. it makes him waver more, makes him want to spend more time with his family now that chris is gonna start university soon. 

—

“you could come with me,” chris starts on his whole campaign again the next time they’re facetiming. “jake can’t ‘cause of the baby but come on bro, you could!” traveling the world sounds amazing, he can’t deny it and that’s why it’s hard to say no. each time, he laughs it off and changes the subject but he can’t say that he doesn’t think taking a break from everything might be the better choice. instead of occasionally getting recognized on the streets and getting dms about why he left, if the dating rumor is true, if he’s still dating his girlfriend or not, he could be experience different cultures with the brother he left behind in some of his most formative years. 

the work on the studio is still left unfinished and the guys are still waiting for his answer if he’ll come join the team. the students he’s tutoring in english again ask how long til he takes a break again and he doesn’t have answers still. the only answer he’s had for weeks is that it was worth it, that he made the best decision he could’ve given the circumstances, and hopefully going to that showcase will remind him of that again. maybe seeing her again will grant him the clarity he’s been missing for weeks. maybe he needs her too much. 

—

his father’s laughing the loudest rome has heard in years and it’s enjoyable even though it’s at his own expense. he fidgets in the clothes he’s borrowed, almost a perfect bit, although he definitely isn’t vibing with the business-man style. the facial hair added to his face and the way his hair is spray dyed for the night makes him sigh at the sight in the mirror, especially with dabin makes a joke of “this is your future, man” to which rome points at his father and says “thanks but my future looks more youthful, like this” because his parents have aged well, both of them. 

he wonders if mijoo will recognize him or if she’ll smack him for being so stupid. what other way can he show up to her showcase when he was there for the last too? their saving grace is that no one seems to know or realizes he went to the debut showcase. he’s been tied to other idols instead and, while some of the connections make him laugh, he’s still offput that the words of that one netizen seem so final to people, that he’s asked more about a girlfriend than whether or not that’s why he left convex.