Epilogue – One Year Later

Nathan bolted upright in bed. A rude pounding on the door startled him out of a dream, one he’s struggling to remember. His heart was pounding, but it wasn’t a nightmare. He didn’t smell the acrid tang of blood like he usually does following his nightmares, and he hadn’t had one in months. But what…and then he remembered. Lying curled in bed with Rose on a rainy morning, the rapid thump of little feet against the floor, the cries of “Da” and “Mama” as he lifted their little one into bed with them. Definitely not a nightmare, but the best kind of dream.

Someone pounded on the door again, and he groaned.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Donna called through the door. “You’d better shift if you don’t want to be late to your own wedding!”

Looking around the room, Nathan realized that he was in his bedroom at Conkwell Grange. Rose wasn’t bedside him, Sylvia had insisted they keep just that one tradition. He scrubbed a hand over his face and smiled. In just a few hours, he’d never have to sleep without her again. How he managed to convince Rose to marry him, an old, wounded soldier, he still couldn’t fathom.

“Nathan!”

“I’m awake!” He heard Donna retreat down the hall and then start pounding on the door to Rose’s room. He grinned again.

He was getting married.

#

Rose groaned at the pounding on the door, resting her forehead against the blessedly cool porcelain.

“Rose! Wake up!” Donna called.

“I’m up!” Rose yelled, using all her strength. She fervently hoped Donna wouldn’t demand to come in. She didn’t want her sister-in-law to be the first person to discover her secret.

Bile pushed it’s way up her throat and she grimaced as she threw up again. How Nathan hadn’t already figured it out, she wasn’t sure. He had been fascinated with her larger breasts lately, but maybe he hadn’t put two and two together. Why would he? They’d been careful, except for one night she barely remembered and he certainly didn’t. They’d gone to the pub with Nathan’s siblings and things had gotten rowdy. When they arrived home, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other, and they’d forgotten a condom.

Rose was thrilled. Well, sort of. She loved that she was having Nathan’s baby, but Nathan…would he be thrilled? They hadn’t ever discussed kids and suddenly Rose was smacking herself for that oversight. How did they manage to get all the way to their wedding day without talking about having kids? The only insight she had was how he’d reacted over Thomas’s pregnancy scare, and it hadn’t been good. Oh, he wouldn’t want to marry her now.

She sighed. She’d tell him, just as soon as she could stop throwing up.

#

Nathan double checked his tux, making sure everything was in its place. The ceremony was due to start in half an hour, and he could barely stand to wait another minute. He hadn’t seen Rose all day, outside of the occasional glimpse before his mother or sister shepherded her away. He couldn’t wait for the honeymoon; two weeks of just the two of them on the beach in Tahiti. No meddling family to keep them apart.

Donna burst through the door to his room.

“We’ve got a problem.”

“What?” Nathan asked. Donna twisted her fingers together. He’d never seen her so nervous.

“Rose…well, she’s locked herself in and she won’t come out.”

“What are you talking about, Donna?”

“The bridesmaids all left to put their things away, and when we got back Rose had locked the door to mum and dad’s room. She won’t let anyone in, and she says she isn’t coming out.”

Nathan felt lightheaded. Was Rose having second thoughts? Did she not want to marry him? He followed Donna quickly to the master bedroom and rapped on the door.

“Rose?” he asked.

He heard sniffling on the other side of the door.

“Rose, love, what’s going on? Talk to me?”

There was a rustle of fabric and more sniffling. It sounded like she was sitting against the door. Nathan slid down to the floor, resting a hand on the solid wood and wishing he could take Rose in his arms and sooth away her fears.

“I can’t,” she whispered. He could barely hear it through the door.

“Why not? Are you getting cold feet? Do you want to call this off?” Nathan took a deep breath, steeling himself for the words he was about to say. “We can, love. If you don’t want to marry me, we can still call this off.”

He heard sobs through the door and his heart clenched.

“Rose?”

“Of course I want to marry you!”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Rose sobbed for a moment and then went quiet. “I’m afraid you’re not going to want to marry me.”

“I’ve never wanted anything more! Why wouldn’t I?” Nathan tried to think of anything he might have said or done in the last few days to make Rose feel that way, but he couldn’t. They’d had a wonderful weekend preparing for the wedding and spending time with their family and friends. Two nights ago, they’d snuck out to the gardens and made love under the stars. He could find no moment that would make Rose feel that way.

Rose was quiet for a long time. So long that he almost missed her answer.

“I’m pregnant, Nathan.”

His heart stopped in his chest. A baby? He remembered his dream, the feelings of utter contentment at having their child wrapped up with them. Why in the world would Rose think he didn’t want that? They’d never discussed it really but…

“Rose, is this about what I said to Thomas?”

“You made children seem like the worst thing that could happen to you,” Rose said, sniffling.

“Open the door.”

“No, Nathan. I can’t. If you’re going to leave…”

“Rose, open the door.” He stood and rattled at the doorknob. If he had to kick the door in, he would.

He heard the lock snick and Rose moved away from the door. He wasted no time rushing inside, barely pausing before he swept Rose into his arms.

“You’re not supposed to see my dress,” she whimpered.

“Sod it, Rose.” He pulled back just enough to take her face in his hands, looking her straight in the eyes. He brushed his thumbs over her cheeks, clearing away the tears. “Love, I meant that a child would be bad for Thomas, a child himself. I didn’t mean those things in the context of a committed, adult relationship. I’m thrilled you’re pregnant. I had a dream about it just last night.”

“Really?” Rose asked.

“Really. Rose, this is the greatest gift you could ever give me.”

Rose choked on a sob and laughed. Nathan leaned in to kiss her, his heart swelling with joy. He wrapped her in his arms and lifted her off her feet, twirling her around. She laughed fully, and Nathan thought he’d never heard a sweeter sound. He set her down and kissed her.

“Let’s go get married.”

Chapter 13

Rose splashed cold water on her face, and then scrubbed her mascara stained cheeks. She hadn’t had such an emotional session in a long time. Intakes were always hard, and the new boy Russell’s circumstances hadn’t made it any easier. Rose was simply thankful she’d managed to hold it together until after Daniel showed Russell to his new room. She spent the next half hour sobbing in her dark, locked office.

“Time to pack it in, I think,” she told herself in the mirror. It was already much later than she usually left, and if she stayed too long, well the bus was not her favorite place to be late at night. She went back to her office and packed her things, then slipped quietly out the back door. She didn’t want to run into anyone, especially Nathan. She was getting used to the idea that they were never going to work out, but it still hurt to see him.

The cool night air felt wonderful on her face, and she paused to take in a deep breath before she continued on to the bus stop.

“’Ello cutie,” a rough voice drawled behind her. Rose turned to find three men eyeing her. “Want some company?”

The man talking made a lewd gesture indicating just what kind of company he meant.

“No, ta,” Rose said. She surreptitiously reached for the pepper spray in her bag, just in case.

“Oh come on. You look like you could use it.”

“I said no,” Rose said sharply.

One of the men reached out and grabbed her.

#

Nathan sighed. He wasn’t getting any work done, his mind was a million miles away. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Donna said, about fighting for Rose. Was it too late, really? He thought at first that she’d moved on with the man that brought her chips the other day, but he talked himself out of it. They seemed much too familiar to be newly dating. He scrubbed a hand over his face and hair. No use thinking it to death.

He packed up his things, ready to head home and crawl into bed. He stopped on his way out and made sure that Daniel would call if anything went wrong with Russell, new intakes could be hard, and then went out the back towards his car.

It was late, but not so late that the streets were empty. Nathan heard the rumble of voices just around the corner, laughter. He decided to take a detour and check that it wasn’t a group of Noble House boys loitering past curfew.

When he rounded the corner, his blood ran cold. A trio of men were crowding Rose, taunting her by the looks of it. “I said no.”

One of them grabbed her by the arm, hauling her close, and Nathan couldn’t hold himself back. He heard a cry and the man that grabbed Rose went down, but Nathan wasn’t paying attention. He grabbed one of the other men by the collar, landing a solid punch to his jaw before rounding on the third man.One withering stare was all it took for him to turn tail and run.

Nathan turned to Rose, frantically looking for any sign of injury. He missed the daggers coming from her eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked, reaching out to her. Rose flinched away.

“What the hell was that?” Rose snapped. Nathan frowned.

“I…they were…I was saving you,” he stammered.

“Saving me? I can take care of myself, Nathan! You don’t get to just flit in and out of my life, decide you want to be with me one minute and not the next! If you don’t want anything to do with me, then stay the hell away from me!” Rose shoved him, forcefully, and he stumbled back.

“Rose, you needed help. Those men…”

“I’m not some damsel in distress! I didn’t need a knight in shining armor or a hero, I only ever needed you!”

Nathan belated realized that she was crying. Not just crying, but outright sobbing, her breaths coming in hiccups between tears. He hated to see her that way. He hated that it was his fault. She opened her mouth to say more, but Nathan didn’t give her the chance.

He kissed her.

It was like coming home, the press of his lips against hers. He’d missed her oh, so much.

She shoved him back. “No! You don’t get to just kiss me and make it all better. It doesn’t change anything. You ran away from me, not the other way around.”

Nathan’s shoulders drooped and he sighed.

“I know, Rose. I’m…I’m sorry. That’s all there is to it. I treated you horribly. I was so afraid, Rose. Afraid of what I was feeling, afraid of hurting you.”

“You did hurt me. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, you pushing me away hurt,” Rose said. Nathan itched to take her in his arms, but he held himself back.

“I’m sorry. I never wanted that. I only wanted to protect you.”

“I don’t need protecting. I know my own mind, Nathan, I know what I can handle. Let me decide when I’ve had enough, yeah?” She smiled a bit, just a hint of one, really. Hope bloomed in Nathan’s chest.

“I hit you, Rose.”

“Not on purpose. Nathan, I grew up on an estate. I didn’t run with the best crowd when I was young, or date the most respectful boys, and I work every day with kids who have suffered abuse. I know it when I see it. You’re about the least abusive man there is.” She reached up to cup his cheek, stepping closer as she did. Nathan sucked in a breath.

“Can…can we fix this?” he asked, his voice rough.

“Do you want to?” Rose asked.

He nodded into her palm. “Very much.”

“Then let’s go someplace and talk.”

#

They ended up at Nathan’s flat, simply because it was the closest place to Noble House. It was uneasy at first, both of them sipping tea and unsure of what to say, but eventually they started talking. They talked and they shouted and they cried as they worked through everything. Nathan told her stories from his time in service that he’d never told anyone else, including the incident that triggered his PTSD. Rose cried with him for all those dead soldiers, and held him as he sobbed.

They exhausted themselves with talk and tears. They agreed to try again, and fell into a deep sleep, curled together in Nathan’s bed.

Rose woke first. The sun was streaming in through the blinds and she winced before turning in Nathan’s arms. He slept deeply, his arm draped over her waist. Rose took the opportunity to soak him in. She’d avoided looking at him for so long, so she drank in every bit of him, cataloging every minute change.

She couldn’t resist leaning in to brush her lips against his. He hummed and smiled in his sleep. Rose shifted to get more comfortable and felt him, hard and ready, against her thigh. A wicked thought crept into her mind and she smiled as she slipped her hand inside his pants to gently stroke him.

His hips jerked and he grunted, but didn’t wake. Rose continued to work him, watching every twitch of his face. His eyelashes fluttered and he groaned out her name, but he didn’t wake.

Rose gently eased Nathan to his back and wiggled lower on the bed, easing his pants over his hips as she went. Touching him was no longer enough, she was desperate to taste him. She didn’t waste any time teasing him, simply engulfed him and sucked.

His hips bucked restlessly as she worked him. “Rose…”

Her eyes flicked up to his face, but he wasn’t quite awake. He was getting there, though. She gave him another hard pull, dragging her mouth up the length of his shaft before swirling her tongue around the tip.

She knew the moment he woke fully. His hand flew to her hair, tugging gently. “Rose!”

His hips bucked hard as he came. She swallowed and pulled away, smiling. A daft grin was plastered over Nathan’s face.

“What was that?” he asked. Rose crawled back up to nestle in his side.

“Making up for lost time,” she said. Nathan leaned in to kiss her, his tongue immediately sweeping into her mouth. Rose moaned and sucked lightly on his tongue. Nathans arm around her shoulders tightened.

“Seems I have some time to make up as well,” he said. He leaned back, his eyes raking over her body, covered as it was by his vest. “This looks much better on you.”

He kissed her, pulling her close and letting his hands wander. One slipped under his vest, skating up her side and then palming her breast. She sucked in a sharp breath. The feel of his calloused thumb brushing her nipple to a stiff peak sent a rush of heat through her. It felt like ages since he’d last touched her.

Nathan abandoned her breast, his hand sliding down her stomach to the waistband of her knickers. He traced along the edge, sending shivers of delight through her, before slipping his hand inside. Rose’s hips bucked as he traced her slit. She felt ready to explode from that simple touch. Then his hand disappeared. Rose groaned.

“I want to taste you,” Nathan whispered, his breath hot against the shell of her ear.

“God yes,” she gasped, racing to shove her knickers off.

Nathan shimmied down her body until he was nestled between her thighs, one of her legs draped over his back. He pushed the hem of his vest up to her hips, his hands slipping beneath it to touch bare skin. Nathan looked up at her; her hair fanned out over his pillow, her cheeks pink with desire.

“Christ, you’re beautiful,” he said.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” she teased. Nathan chuckled, and wasted no more time. He gently traced the seam of her lips with the tip of his finger before working one inside her. Rose gasped and then yelped as he leaned in to lick her.

While he tasted her, his free hand slid further under the vest, until he was tugging on her nipple. The move sent bolts of pleasure to her core and Nathan moaned when he tasted the evidence.

“Fuck,” Rose gasped. Nathan chuckled and sucked hard on her clit, making her cry out again. He added a second finger, pumping slowly before pausing to curl them inside her. Rose shook beneath him, the beginnings of her orgasm coiling tight in her belly.

Nathans fingers and tongue were relentless. Rose didn’t even bother trying to stifle her cries, she was simply concentrating on drawing out the experience as long as possible. It wasn’t going to matter, though.

“Nathan,” Rose gasped, tremors already starting to race through her body. “Fuck, Nathan, I’m-“

She cried out, her hips lifting off the bed as she came, hard.

He worked her down with gently licks and kisses before crawling up her body to kiss her. He was hard again, and Rose shifted so that he was cradled between her legs.

“Make love to me, Nathan.”

They drew it out, this time, teasing each other with gentle touches and soft kisses. Nathan pulled his vest top over her head and basked in the sight of her naked in his bed. He’d missed her so much, and he resolved to show her.

When he finally pushed inside her, they both stilled, soaking in the feeling. Then Rose, ever the impatient one, rolled her hips. Still, they took their time, rocking together slowly until their orgasms flowed over them like a wave.

“I love you,” Rose said, when Nathan collapsed beside her. He reached out to trace a finger down her cheek.

Chapter 12

“How long were you in the Royal Army?” Vanessa, Nathan’s new therapist, asked. She leaned forward, her elbows propped on the notepad settled across her knees, and stared at him. It was unnerving, and Nathan wished he was anywhere else, but he made a promise and he would see it through.

“Twelve years.”

“And your rank?”

“Why does it matter?” Nathan snapped. Vanessa simply raised an eyebrow. Nathan sighed. “Captain Nathan Noble, at your service.”

“Did you enjoy serving Queen and Country?”

“I felt it my duty,” Nathan said. His father and grandfather before him had served in the Royal Army as well. Though Nathan had hated the idea of going to war, of ever seeing a moment’s combat, he felt compelled to join up.

“Twelve years is a long time to stay in if you joined out of a sense of duty. You could’ve got out after your first enlistment, duty fulfilled. Why did you stay?” Vanessa scrawled quickly on her notepad. Nathan took a deep breath and held it as he counted to ten. Talking about his time in service was not something he did. In fact, Rose was one of the only people outside of his immediate family who’d heard stories.

Nathan shook his head. No use thinking about…her.

“Nathan, I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”

Nathan sighed. “I could have left. But by then I felt a duty to my fellow soldiers, and later to my subordinates. I couldn’t leave them.”

“It sounds as though you cared greatly for them.”

“I did.” Visions of the men under his command flashed through his mind. Some of the memories were happy, but others…

“Tell me what your nightmares are about,” Vanessa urged softly. Nathan’s teeth clenched as he tried to banish the images from his mind.

“We were conducting a mine sweep.”

Laughter, joy, comradery. The skittering of stones as a young soldier tripped. The breathless moment of tension. The blast that knocked them off their feet. A second blast. A third.

“It was a chain reaction,” Nathan gasped, his heart racing. Sweat beaded on his brow.

The deafening whomp whomp of the helicopter’s blades as it hovered, trying to reach the wounded. The harsh bark of his voice as he called orders to his men, trying to minimize casualties. The galloping beat of his heart as he prayed that the vibrations from the helicopter wouldn’t set off another mine.

“They couldn’t…the helicopter couldn’t reach us.”

The coppery tang of blood in the air as he and the other unwounded men attempted to carry the wounded to safety. The heavy burden of six dead men across his shoulders. The dying boy he’d carried to safety, to live what kind of life?

“You feel guilty,” Vanessa said, her voice barely a whisper.

“Yes.”

“It was your job to keep them from harm.”

“Yes.”

“It’s your fault they’re dead.”

“Yes!” The roar that ripped itself from Nathan’s chest surprised even him. Vanessa reared back, but her open, warm expression never changed.

“No.”

“What?” Nathan asked, breathing heavy.

“What should you have done differently? According to the official procedures, what should you have done differently? What rules did you break?”

Nathan sat back, running through every bit of policy and procedures stored in his brain. There was very little of it he’d forgotten, despite being a civilian for years.

“I should have…”

“Actual policy, Nathan. Remember.”

He bit back the self-flagellation waiting on his tongue. “None.”

Vanessa let the word ring through the silence for a moment, let it sink into Nathan’s mind. She waited as Nathan cried, for the first time since his reentry into civilian life, for the young men who died that day and for the men still alive to remember it.

“This was a big break-through, Nathan,” she said quietly after he’d had a moment to compose himself. “I’ll see you at our next appointment.”

Nathan left feeling like he’d been hit by a lorry. He wanted nothing more than to climb into bed and sleep for the rest of the day, but Noble House was waiting.

#

Rose couldn’t concentrate. She was typing up notes from her latest home visit with Graham, who’d transitioned out to his own flat, but her eyes kept straying towards Nathan’s office. He’d trudged in an hour ago, looking like he’d been on a bender. She was worried.

“Rooooosie!” Jack sang from the doorway. She jumped and frowned at him.

“What?”

“I’ve been saying your name for five minutes. I brought you some lunch. Jackie said you’ve been looking a bit worse for wear lately.”

Jack invited himself into her office and sprawled in the chair opposite her desk. He dropped a bag of chips on the corner, the smell of fried potato and salt and vinegar making her mouth water. She’d hardly had an appetite since the mess with Nathan started.

“Thanks, Jack.”

“Still on the outs with the boss?” Jack asked.

“I don’t think you can even call it on the outs. We barely speak, and when we do it’s about Noble House. I wish…I just wish he would talk to me,” Rose said, swallowing past the lump in her throat.

“He’s an idiot, Rose,” Jack said gently. Rose sighed. She didn’t want to discuss Nathan with her cousin, even if he was just trying to be helpful.

“How’s Ianto?” She asked, hoping to distract him.

It worked. Jack launched into tales of his latest adventures, both with Ianto and without, and had Rose in stitches after just a few minutes. She could barely catch her breath from laughing. Finally, when the chips were devoured and Jack was out of stories, or new ones anyway, Rose stood and went around her desk to hug him.

“Thank you, Jack.”

He held her tightly for a long minute, and then pulled back just enough to cup her cheeks in his hands.

“You’re incredible, Rosie,” he said softly. Then he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

When Rose stepped away, she saw Nathan standing in the doorway, his eyes dark. Jack followed her gaze, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Jack don’t,” Rose muttered. He winked at her.

“Hello! You must be Rose’s boss. I’m Jack.” He held out his hand to shake and Nathan grabbed it, squeezing tightly. Rose watched the two former soldiers staring each other down and pitied anyone who managed to cross them both.

“Are you finished? Rose has actual work to attend to,” Nathan said tightly. Rose rolled her eyes.

“Yep! Just bringing Rosie some lunch. Gotta get the quality time with her where I can, you know.” Jack winked again and Nathan’s fists clenched.

“Did you need something?” Rose asked.

“Thomas would like to speak with us,” Nathan growled. Rose nodded, and turned to Jack.

“Thank you for lunch,” she said. Jack smiled and brushed a kiss against her cheek.

“My pleasure. Ring me when you get home, would you?”

Rose rolled her eyes but laughed. “Sure.”

Jack left and Rose followed Nathan to his office, where Thomas was waiting. Rose tried to steel herself against whatever news he might have. If Lou was pregnant, they would deal with it. Rose wasn’t going to let his entire future, all the progress they’d made at Noble House, be wiped away by a baby. She would help them with whatever they needed.

Nathan slumped into his chair as Rose took the seat next to Thomas. “Thomas?”

“Lou’s not pregnant.”

“Oh thank God,” Nathan groaned. He ignored Rose’s harsh glare.

“Are you okay?” Rose asked. Thomas nodded, his knee bouncing slightly.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s for the best, yeah? And Lou’s happy. So yeah, m’fine.”

“I don’t want a repeat of this situation, do you understand, Thomas?” Nathan demanded. Thomas nodded. “You’ve got chores to do, I’d imagine?”

Thomas rose to his feet and shuffled out of the office. Rose shook her head. “I know you think a child is the worst thing in the world that could happen to someone, but you didn’t have to be so harsh with him.”

Nathan didn’t meet her gaze. “That’s not what I think.”

“You did a fine job of acting like it.”

Nathan opened his mouth to say something, but Rose was done. She’d had enough. She stomped back to her office and slammed the door behind her.

#

Nathan wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for a week. His therapy session had taken more out of him than he’d realized, and coupled with arguing with Rose…he was knackered. He pushed open the door to his flat and groaned when he realized the light was on.

“Oi, you.”

He winced at the sound of Donna’s voice. He hadn’t spoken to her recently, but she must have known about Rose.

“Donna,” he greeted, trying for nonchalance. “Still letting yourself into my flat, I see.”

“Don’t get smart with me, Nathan. You lied to me. And you hurt Rose!”

“Rose lied too, aren’t you cross with her?” Nathan wanted to take the words back the moment he said them. Donna’s eyes blazed in fury and she smacked him sharply on the back of his head. “Ow!”

“I don’t know what the devil is wrong with you right now, but I don’t like it one bit. You’re better than this, Nathan. Yes, Rose lied, but she’s not my brother. But I really don’t care about that. I care about what happened between you and Rose!”

Nathan hung his head and scrubbed a hand over his face. He didn’t want to relive the experience again. Not when he was torturing himself over it every time he looked at her. “I don’t want to talk about it, Donna.”

“I don’t care. That girl is miserable, you git. She was heartbroken when we talked. Not because you hit her, but because you’ve completely shut her out! What, exactly, is the problem?”

“I’m a danger to her!” Nathan shouted. Donna threw her hands in the air.

“You are not! Nathan, everyone makes mistakes! You made a mistake not getting help right away, and she made a mistake waking you from a nightmare. That doesn’t mean you give up the best thing that ever happened to you! You can learn from this, you can fix it and do better next time. I don’t know if you remember or not, but relationships take work, Nathan. If Lee and I split every time we fought, we’d never have gotten married! You mess up, and you learn, and you fight for each other. Do you love her?”

Nathan stared at his sister. His emotions were choking him, a tight band around his chest. He regretted everything about that night with Rose, and his reaction later. He shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter now, Donna. It’s too late.”

“It’s only too late if you let it be. Fight for her, Nathan.”

Chapter 11

Rose and Nathan fell into an easy rhythm of avoiding each other after that. When one entered a room, the other disappeared. Their weekly meetings, the ones that were essential and Nathan couldn’t get away with cancelling indefinitely, were awkward and stilted. Nathan was miserable. Rose was miserable. The boys were miserable. It was not a happy summer at Noble House.

A week after the accident Rose’s lip was sporting a dark scab and her black eye had turned a nasty green and yellow. She didn’t even bother covering up anymore. She was in the middle of writing up notes on her most recent counselling session when Jackie breezed through the door.

“Rose, I brought by those papers you wanted…”

Rose froze as she heard her mother’s voice, and ducked her head down. She hadn’t told her mother about the incident, she’d been hoping she wouldn’t have to.

“Mum, you can’t just drop by,” Rose sighed. She turned around, making a show of shuffling papers and putting things away.

“You said you wanted these as soon as possible. And anyway, don’t take that tone with me little miss.” Jackie prattled on and Rose knew she couldn’t hide any longer. So she took a deep breath and turned around. “Rose…”

“Mum…”

“Oh I’ll kill that man!” Jackie stormed out of Rose’s office, headed for Nathan’s. Rose scrambled to her feet, running after her, hoping to stop Jackie before Nathan ended up with an eye to match hers. But Jackie on a warpath was unstoppable, and she barged into Nathan’s office already shrieking.

Nathan leapt to his feet, probably out of some instinct for self-preservation. He should have stayed seated, Jackie would have had a harder time climbing over his desk.

“Mum, stop!” Rose cried. Jackie’s first slap echoed through the office like a shot.

When Nathan did nothing to stop her, Jackie launched herself at him, raining slap after slap on his face, shoulders, and chest. He stood there and took it silently as Rose tried to wrestle her mother away.

“Mum! Quit it!”

“That bastard hit you, Rose! Don’t lie and tell me he didn’t!”

Rose quickly shut the office door. So far, the boys still believed that Rose had been mugged. She didn’t need them thinking any differently.

“Yes, mum, but it was an accident.”

“Oh, isn’t that what they all say!” Jackie raged. At least she had stopped hitting him.

“Yes, but this time it’s true. I woke him from a nightmare, he was disoriented. It’s not his fault!”

Jackie stared at Rose for a moment, and then turned to Nathan. Her eyes blazed. “Did you hit her?”

“Yes,” Nathan said, his voice sure and clear. He didn’t qualify the statement, or try to defend himself. Jackie raised an eyebrow at Rose.

“You see?” Jackie asked her. Then she turned back to Nathan, poking a finger into his chest. “If I ever see another mark on my daughter, the coppers will be hearing about it.”

Nathan said nothing. Jackie stormed away. Rose sighed, scrubbing her hands over her face. She was so tired. She just wanted it to be over.

She turned toward Nathan, opened her mouth to speak, and closed it again. She’d said all she could possibly say, so instead she just walked out. Nathan didn’t follow.

#

Nathan sighed, leaning back in his chair and lifting a hand to rub at his eyes. He needed to leave, he was due to meet his dad and brother at the pub, but Rose was blocking the exit, talking with Daniel and Rafe. They’d done a spectacular job avoiding each other the last few weeks. The most contact they’d had was the day Jackie came storming in. After that, Nathan couldn’t bear to be in the same room, so he’d changed their weekly meetings to weekly email updates, and if the staff or the boys noticed the difference, no one said.

Nathan sent a text to his dad, letting him know that Nathan was running behind, and then waited another ten minutes before Rose finally left and he could escape without running into her. He sighed as he drove towards the pub. He couldn’t stand to look at Rose, to be around her, not knowing what he’d done, but he also couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her bright smile, her laugh, the two incredible nights that he’d been inside her, every moment played through his head on an endless loop. He was no good for her though. He was better off going back to his life of bachelordom.

“Nathan, my boy!” Alton cried when Nathan finally walked through the door. He slid into the booth next to Nigel.

“You and Rose get caught up saying goodbye?” Nigel teased. Nathan went lightheaded. He’d forgotten in all his misery that his family didn’t know…anything.

“Rose…” Nathan’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Rose and I are uh…we’re not together anymore.”

“What?” Alton snapped, his eyes narrowed. Nathan briefly considered sticking with the original plan, telling his family that Rose was the cause of their break-up, but he’d never been inclined to lie and he couldn’t stand to sully Rose in the eyes of his family.

“We actually never were.”

“What are you on about?” Nigel asked. Nathan groaned, his head falling forward to rest on the table. The waitress set a pint next to his head and he grumbled his thanks. He’d need it to get through the whole story.

“When she came to the wedding with me, she was engaged to this prat Mickey. Not to me. When mum got so excited over the ring, Rose couldn’t bear to ruin it, and so we just went along with the idea. We were going to tell everyone we’d split later, but then…”

“You fell for her,” Alton said. Nathan nodded and took a long pull from his beer.

“Aye. I fell for her, she fell for me, but we kept our distance until she found out her real fiancé was cheating on her.”

“Thought as much. I know love when I see it, young man, and you and that girl were arse over teakettle for each other,” Alton explained. “So what happened? What’s so big you can’t fix it?”

“I hit her.” Nathan didn’t bother putting the statement in context. It didn’t matter the circumstances.

“You did no such thing,” Alton cried, shock evident in his voice.

“I did. I was…I was having a nightmare, and she woke me.”

“So you hit her?” Nigel asked.

“I didn’t know it was her. I was disoriented. But the truth of it is I hit her, doesn’t matter how or why. If something as simple as sleeping next to me is a danger to her, then we can’t be together.”

“How did she take it?” Nigel questioned. Nathan shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter. This is what’s best.”

Alton scoffed and shook his head. “I didn’t raise my son to be a coward. That girl loves you and you love her. So you got caught up in a bad moment. Doesn’t matter. Buck up, son, and do what it takes to fix it. Get counseling for your nightmares, which you should have done years ago by the way, when you first left the service, and then make it right with Rose.”

“It’s not that simple, Dad.”

“It is that simple, Nathan. Listen to your old dad. I’ve been around a time or two.”

Nathan sighed. He’d get the counseling, his dad was right that he should have done it long ago, but his relationship with Rose was damaged beyond repair. He knew it.

#

Rose snuggled into the corner of the couch and turned the telly on to a Top Gear rerun. Daniel and Rafe had invited her out to the pub after work, but she’d begged off. She didn’t feel much like going out lately. She knew that things were over between her and Nathan, and that she needed to move on, but she couldn’t seem to muster up the will. She missed him, fiercely.

Her mobile rang not long after she’d settled in. She debated not answering it, but gave in. That turned out to be a mistake.

“Rose! As I’m sure you know, Nigel and Dad are out with Nathan. Martha and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to steal you away for a girl’s night!” Donna cried happily.

Rose bit back a sob. She’d forgotten that his family didn’t know about their break up. “Um…”

“Rose? What’s wrong?”

She’d tried to sound normal, but she should have known that Donna would notice. She winced as her tears fell and a sob forced its way from her throat. “We…”

She couldn’t manage more than that. She hadn’t properly cried since the day after the incident and it hit her without warning. She heard Donna’s soothing murmurs on the other end of the line.

“We’ll be over soon.”

Rose was still crying when Donna and Martha let themselves into her flat. They busied themselves with something in the kitchen, and then came to surround Rose. Martha cuddled up beside her while Donna knelt before her.

“Rose, what happened to your face?” Donna cried when she got a look at it. Martha reached out and gently turned Rose’s head so she could see the damage. She gently prodded Rose’s eye and lip, then smoothed a comforting hand over her cheek.

“It’s…it’s a long story,” Rose said around a hiccup.

“We’ve got time,” Martha promised.

“And we’ve got ice cream and wine,” Donna said. Rose choked out a laugh.

“We’ll need it,” she said, her voice wavering a bit. She took a deep breath. “Before I tell you what happened to my eye, I have to start from the beginning. I have to tell you everything.”

Rose spent the next little while telling them the entire story; how she and Nathan had lied to them and then fallen in love, Mickey’s betrayal, and finally the incident with Nathan. They listened without comment or judgement, Martha stroking Rose’s shoulder as she got emotional recounting the sting of Nathan’s hand against her face.

“Oh Rose,” Donna whispered when the story was finally done. She gathered Rose close and hugged her.

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Rose cried into her shoulder. Donna chuckled.

“Never. You didn’t lie out of cruelty, and if my prat of a brother had dealt with his issues years ago we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“It’s not his fault,” Rose moaned.

“Well it’s not yours either,” Donna said. She pulled back, smoothing the hair away from Rose’s face and cupping her cheeks. “Now, how about a proper girl’s night; wine, ice cream, and sappy movies?”

Chapter 10

Rose had tried to cover her bruise, and it helped a bit, but there was no covering her lip. She knew that the boys would notice it, probably right away, but she couldn’t avoid them and she needed to find Nathan.

“Anyone seen Nathan?” she asked loudly as she walked into the kitchen.

“He’s sick, we get Daniel instead,” Thomas said. Rose’s heart sank. He hadn’t come home, he’d called in sick to work, which he never did. Was he running away? Rose briefly thought that she’d never see him again, but she pushed it away. She could always call Donna if she had to.

“Rose, what happened to your face?” Rickey cried, his voice rising above the din. The boys fell silent, all turning to get a good look at her. Rose ducked her head, letting her hair fall over her cheek like a curtain.

“Nothing, Rickey, don’t worry about it,” she insisted. Rickey’s jaw dropped and several of the boys made a strangled noise in their throats.

“Um, it’s not nothing,” Thomas said. “Are you okay? Who jumped you? How many were there?”

“Where did they jump you? Was it down on Castlehaven?” Rickey asked.

“That’s William Wood’s area,” Michael added. Rose felt the situation quickly spinning out of her control. It warmed her heart that the boys were so worked up on her behalf, but they were getting it all wrong.

“We’ll go down there tonight,” Tony said, resolute. The rest of the boys chorused their agreement.

“You will do no such thing!” Rose shouted. The boys, unused to her shouting, fell silent and stared at her.

“But Rose…”

“No buts. I am fine and I will not have you all risking your places here to avenge me, got it? Let it go,” Rose ordered. The boys all nodded.

Rose went to her office and slumped down in her chair, wishing for the day to be over. She should have known that Nathan wouldn’t be at work, she should have called in sick too and just waited for him at the flat.

“You really okay?” Daniel asked, leaning in the doorway. Rose hadn’t spent much time with him, but the boys loved him and Nathan trusted him. “I don’t need to call the coppers, do I?”

“No, you don’t,” Rose sighed. “Thank you though. It was just…stupid.”

“Nathan is going to be none too pleased,” Daniel said. Rose snorted. He had no idea. “Did you call him?”

“No, I don’t want to bother him if he’s sick.”

“You should probably warn him before he sees you. You don’t want him going mental around the boys,” Daniel warned. Rose nodded, rubbing at her forehead. It was going to be the longest day of her life.

#

At lunch, Rose called Jack and asked if she could go over after work. She needed to talk to someone, and there was no way Jackie would be rational about it. Jack was her best bet. She suffered through the rest of the day, aching and miserable, and then caught the bus to Jack’s flat.

She knocked on the door, braced for Jack’s reaction, but it was Ianto who opened the door.

“Oh Rose,” he said quietly. “What happened?”

Rose sighed. “I’d rather only tell it once, if that’s all right.”Ianto ushered her inside and settled her on the couch before putting tea on. Ianto’s answer to everything was tea. Jack came out of his home office, a brilliant smile on his face.

“Did I hear Rosie?” The smile melted from his face when he caught sight of her. She’d never known someone to go from jovial to murderous quite as quickly as Jack could.

“What happened?”

Rose stood up. The day was catching up with her, the physical and emotional pain, the exhaustion, and she felt tears welling in her eyes.

“Can I just have a cuddle? Until the tea is ready?” Rose felt her lip wobble. Jack immediately softened and drew her into a gentle hug. He tenderly stroked her hair and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Rose couldn’t hold herself together any longer. She sobbed into Jack’s chest, clutching at his back as she let everything out.

“Shhh, sweet Rose,” Jack murmured. He moved her gently, sitting down on the couch and drawing her into his lap. He rocked her back and forth, murmuring into her ear.

Ianto brought a tray of tea over and Rose slid off Jack’s lap. She cradled the mug to her chest, soaking in the warmth, and sniffled.

“Tell us,” Ianto commanded, his voice gentle.

“Promise you’ll be calm?” Rose asked, eyeing Jack over the rim of her mug. He scowled.

“Depends on what you tell me.”

Rose sighed, but launched into her story. She told them about Nathan’s nightmare the first time they shared a room, before she’d ever fallen for him. She told them about his reluctance sometimes to share a bed. And she told them about the way he’d melted down when he woke up to discover he’d hit her.

“Sounds like he has some pretty serious issues, Rose,” Jack said once she’d finished.

“Except he doesn’t. He’s normal when he’s awake.”

“Didn’t you say he was in the army?”

“Yes,” Rose said. “But he doesn’t talk about it much.”

“It sounds like he might have PTSD. It’s probably pretty well under control during the day, but there’s nothing he can do about it when he’s asleep,” Jack said, thinking out loud. Rose nodded dumbly.

“Why won’t he talk to me?”

“He’s mortified, Rose. And scared. I don’t know him, but the way you’ve talked about him, I can imagine that he’s blaming himself. He probably thinks he’s too dangerous to be around you,” Jack explained. Rose knew as much, and hearing it from Jack didn’t make it any easier to swallow.

She scrubbed her hands over her face, groaning. She was a counselor for God’s sake, she talked to people about their problems for a living, but she couldn’t think how to get Nathan to talk. She was too close to the issue, she knew. Nathan would need help she couldn’t give him. But she could be there for him, if only he would listen to her.

“If he’s half as in love with you as you are with him, you’ll work it out.”

“I can’t even find him,” Rose whined. Jack huffed out a laugh.

“You work with him, Rose. He has to come back eventually.”

Rose knew he was right.

Jack and Ianto spent the rest of the night trying to lift Rose’s spirits. They plied her with wine and talked her into playing strip poker. She won, but she had a feeling it was only because Jack always wanted to be naked. Finally she left, her spirits slightly higher than they had been. She took the bus home and fell into a deep, exhausted sleep.

#

The next morning, Rose went to work early. She didn’t think Nathan would call in sick two days in a row, and she wanted to talk to him before the boys were up and about. The light in his office was on, but he wasn’t there, so she started a search of the house. She found him standing in the dark kitchen, his hands braced against the counter and his head bowed. He looked miserable. Everything in her screamed to go to him, to wrap her arms around him and soothe him. She didn’t.

“Nathan.”

He jumped, but he didn’t turn around or acknowledge her.

“Please, don’t shut me out. You were having a nightmare.”

Nathans shoulders tensed. He finally turned towards her, but he wouldn’t look her in the eye and he didn’t speak to her. He took a step forward and Rose wondered if he was going to kiss her, but instead he continued walking straight past her.

“Nathan, please.” Rose felt awful and weak for begging, but she didn’t know what else to do. She was certain that if they didn’t talk then, they never would. She followed him to his office, as resolute to wear him down as he was to avoid her.

“So you’re never going to speak to me again? We hit one…rough patch and you just run away? We can work through this Nathan, but you can’t just shut me out…”

Nathan walked into his office and did exactly that.

Chapter 9

Rose hummed as she cuddled into Nathan’s embrace. They were twined together on the sofa, her back pressed to his chest, as they watched a movie. Empty take away containers littered the coffee table. It had been a perfect lazy night in and Rose felt content in a way she never had before, like she could happily spend the rest of her life snuggling on the couch with Nathan.

Her heart was full to bursting, and she was surprised by the force of her love for Nathan. She did love him, she knew that, more than she had ever loved anyone and she was fairly certain that he felt the same.

Rose traced three words into the skin of Nathan’s thigh. He hummed appreciatively, but otherwise didn’t react, and Rose thought she might explode if she didn’t say them. Maybe it was too early, maybe it would scare him away, but she had to tell him. Sitting up, she shifted until she was facing him and straddled his thighs.

She took his face in her hands and he chuckled.

“Hello,” he said. Rose didn’t smile back or tease him. She took a deep breath.

“I love you, Nathan.” His mouth dropped open in shock, and she leaned in to press a chaste kiss to his lips. His hands came up to her waist, smoothing over her hips and her back.

“Oh Rose,” he choked out. His eyes shined with tears. “I love you too.”

He pulled her into a vice like hug, pressing kisses to her chest and muttering something over and over. She couldn’t make out the words, but it didn’t matter. He loved her too.

Rose shifted herself closer, pressing against him, and pulled him in for a languid kiss. Nathan’s lips opened beneath hers and he took control immediately, not content with Rose’s unhurried exploration. His tongue delved into her mouth, reaching for the farthest corners, seeming intent to claim every bit of her. His hands drifted to her bum, holding her to him as he rocked against her. Rose tore her mouth away from his, gasping.

“Bedroom,” she breathed. She scrambled off his lap and reached for his hands, pulling him to his feet. Then she shucked her vest top. Nathan’s jaw went slack and Rose smiled. She loved watching him as she bared herself. She reached up to toy with the straps of her bra, letting them slip down her shoulders without unclasping it. Nathan growled and pulled her in for a kiss.

They stumbled towards the bedroom, shedding articles of clothes along the way.

“I want to taste every inch of you,” Nathan mumbled into her mouth. “I want to drive you mad. I want to take my time, but I don’t think I can stand to wait.”

“Then don’t,” Rose gasped, as he lifted her and tossed her gently onto the bed. She scrambled into the center as he crawled over her body, his weight settling against her. She groaned as he ground against her pelvis, lifting her hips so that he slid just inside. “Oh, fuck.”

Nathan pulled back, fumbling in the bedside drawer for a condom and hurrying to put it on. When he was done, Rose leaned up for a kiss. She pulled away when he tried to push his tongue between her lips, forcing them to slow things down. She wanted him so badly, her entire body felt like it was on fire, but she wanted to savor it.

“Rose,” he whined, chasing her lips. She chuckled and then kissed him again, this time licking at the seam of his lips. He moaned happily, opening his mouth to her. His hand skated down her side, over the swell of her hips, up her stomach, and up to cover her breast. She arched into his hand as he tweaked her nipple, drawing it into a stiff peak. The gentle tug sent bolts of pleasure straight to her core, and she didn’t think she could wait another moment for him to be inside her.

She reached down to stroke him, delighting in his deep groan of pleasure, and then shifting them until he was lined up with her core. Nathan paused only a moment before pushing slowly inside her.

Rose gasped at the feel of him stretching her, filling every inch of her. She’d been dreaming of the sensation since the first time they had sex, that night on his desk, and it was even better than she remembered. When he was buried to the hilt, Rose grabbed at her arse, holding him inside her for a long moment.

“Wait, just…wait,” she breathed.

“Alright?” Nathan looked down at her, concern knit in his brow.

Rose blew out a breath and nodded. “Yeah, just feels so good.”

She clenched around him, making him gasp, and then tilted her hips. He slid deeper.

“Rose, I can’t…”

She dragged her hands up his back, scratching slightly, and caught Nathan’s earlobe between her teeth. “Make love to me, Nathan.”

With a shudder and a sigh, Nathan pulled slowly out of her and then thrust with enough force that the headboard smacked sharply against the wall. Rose grunted with the force and locked her legs around his back. “Yesss.”

“Oh Rose, you feel so good,” Nathan groaned. His thrusts picked up speed, each punctuated by Rose’s cries, until they were both shaking with want of release. “Fuck, Rose.”

“Close,” she gasped, writhing beneath him. Nathan grunted and slipped a hand between them, rubbing at her clit in tight circles. Rose’s orgasm slammed through her and she bucked beneath Nathan with a shout. Nathan braced himself above of her and let go, thrusting wildly as he chased his own release. Rose stroked his back, squeezed his arse, and clenched herself around him while muttering her love for him over and over.

“Fuck, Rose!” Nathan pressed his hips tight against hers as he came.

He collapsed next to her, taking a moment to catch his breath before getting up to dispose of the condom. Then he returned to bed and spooned up behind Rose, who was already cuddled under the covers. She hummed happily as he wrapped an arm around her waist, threading their fingers together.

Nathan pressed his nose into Rose’s hair, surrounding himself with her scent.

“I love you,” he murmured.

“I love you,” Rose echoed.

They spoke in hushed tones, talking about their plans for the next day and dreaming of the future. As they talked, Nathan’s hands began to wander, stroking Rose’s belly, her thighs, and her breasts, making her shiver. Rose reached behind her, closing her fingers around Nathan’s hardening cock.

“Again?” she asked, stroking him gently.

Nathan rolled her over him, letting his large hands smooth up her stomach to toy with her nipples as she dug into the bedside drawer for a condom. She rolled it on and stroked him a few times.

“Again,” he rasped. Rose grinned as she sank down onto him.

#

Rose jolted awake. She looked around, disoriented. She’d been having a wonderful dream about being on some beach with Nathan, her grandmother’s ring sparkling on her finger. Returning to the darkness of Nathan’s bedroom left her confused.

The mattress shifted and she turned to look at Nathan. He was deeply asleep, but his face was scrunched, like he was in pain. A whimper tore its way from his throat. His body jerked with the force of some invisible blow.

“Nathan,” she whispered. He whined, like a wounded animal, and kicked at the covers. “Nathan!”

Her voice wasn’t reaching him, it couldn’t get past whatever demons he was fighting. He began to thrash in earnest and Rose worried that he would fall off the bed and hurt himself. She reached out and gently brushed her fingers over his arm, but he only flinched.

“Nathan,” she said loudly. She sat up, getting to her knees, and took him by the shoulders. “Wake up, Nathan.”

He woke up swinging.

Rose felt pain exploding through her cheek before she heard the sharp smack of his hand against her face. She cried out, tumbling off the bed with the force of the blow and catching her elbow on the bedside table.

“Rose!” Nathan scrambled off the bed, turning on the light and crouching before her. Rose watched his face go white, his eyes trained on her lip. She reached up and touched it gingerly, hissing at the sting. Her finger came away red.

“I’m fine,” she said, her voice wobbling with tears. “It’s fine.

“It’s not fine!” Nathan roared. Rose flinched. “I hit you, Rose, it’s not fine.”

“You were asleep, it’s not like you meant it,” Rose insisted. Nathan surged to his feet, shaking his head.

“Look at you! Your lip is bleeding! You’re cowering in a corner, Rose! I did that to you! It’s not fine!” Nathan was shaking in his anger. His eyes were wild.

“Nathan,” Rose said quickly, getting to her feet. She winced as she put weight on her elbow.

“You need to go,” Nathan said.

“What? No!” Rose watched as Nathan stopped seeing her. His eyes went cloudy and she knew he was inside his own head, blowing the whole situation out of proportion. “Nathan, you didn’t hurt me.”

“Go, Rose, right now. I’ll call you a cab. Go home.”

“Nathan, I’m not leaving like this,” Rose insisted. Nathan shook his head, scrubbing his hands over his face.

“You can’t be around me,” he said, his words coming out in a rush. “You can’t. It’s not safe. I’m not safe.”

Rose’s heart broke and tears welled in her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to wrap Nathan in her arms, to comfort him and soothe his fears, but he backed away every time she got close.

“I’m not leaving, Nathan.”

His eyes went suddenly clear and hard, and he raced to pull on a jumper and shoes. Rose’s heart dropped into her stomach.

“Nathan, don’t go.”

He didn’t say a word as he raced out of the flat.

#

Rose was on autopilot after Nathan walked out. He’d be back, surely he would. He just needed some time to clear his head. He’d be back and they would go to work together, just like they planned. Working on that assumption, Rose set about cleaning up. She made the bed, because she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, not without Nathan beside her. She went into the bathroom and checked her face. Her lip was split and there was a rapidly darkening bruise on her cheek. She cleaned the cut, hissing when she wiped it with antiseptic. Then she filled an ice pack and held it to her cheek, hoping it would stop some of the swelling. She let her elbow go. It hurt, but not so badly that she needed to do anything about it.

Then there was nothing left to do but wait. Rose could understand why he was upset, honestly she was shaken by the ordeal too, but it wasn’t like he’d hit her in anger. She knew better than most what an abusive relationship looked like; Jimmy had never outright hit her, but he liked to shove her around and get rough with her. Nathan was nothing like that. His reaction told her as much. He was horrified. Rose forgave him, though. She wasn’t going to hold it against him, he couldn’t control what he did in his sleep.

She waited as the sun came up, shining through the windows. Nathan’s alarm blared from the bedroom and she turned it off. She waited until the last possible moment to get into the shower, hoping he would come back, but he didn’t. She dressed for work feeling hollow, lost. How was it that just twelve hours before, she’d been feeling so happy?

Rose left fifteen minutes after she should have, locking the door behind her. She’d give Nathan his keys once they were at work. She went straight to his office once she reached Noble House, carefully avoiding any of the boys.