#april15th

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April 14: What would you like other people to be more aware of when it comes to autism?

There are many things I wish other people were aware of when it comes to autism, but the biggest thing I want people to know is that we’re all different and have different needs, but we’re still human just like you nevertheless.

April 15: Free day! Write about any topic you want!

As I’ve mentioned previously, I have been diagnosed with (Central) Auditory Processing Disorder or (C)APD. The reason I put the “C” in parenthesis is because I’ve seen it called both CAPD and APD interchangeably. Anyways, this is when there is a disconnect between the ears and the brain basically; my ears are fully functional, but my brain has trouble processing language, especially so when there’s background noise.

On a practical, everyday perspective, this disorder makes it harder for me to understand what people are saying because what they say just sounds like a garbled mess. There was a video someone did a while ago and they spoke gibberish in several different languages to show native speakers what it sounds like when they’re speaking to non-native speakers. They weren’t actually saying real words, but speaking in gibberish in such a way that it mimicked how the languages sound. My mother language is English so, the one they did on English is exactly what words sound like to me sometimes. It sounds like English and it sounds like words, but I can’t comprehend what’s said because it’s perceived by me as garbled gibberish. I can’t help it.

Furthermore, I have greatly difficulty understanding media involving audio, especially so songs. Even if the backing track is hardly there, I still struggle to actually make out what the singer is saying. That’s why I rely on looking up the lyrics of songs if I liked them after initially being exposed to it. Also, I always put closed captioning on whenever possible when watching shows, YouTube videos, and so on; doing so ensures that I am able to fully comprehend what is being said.

If you have any questions, please ask! :)

April 16: Do you experience hyper empathy or low empathy? Talk about it. What is it like?

I believe I experience hyper empathy, but I’m not sure. I very easily pick up on others’ emotions and they impact me (i.e. if someone’s anxious, I’ll get anxious), but yet I struggle immensely to understand the emotions of other people to the point I grow terribly defensive. Maybe I’m not highly empathetic, but hyper sensitive to the emotions of other people? I really don’t have a proper answer.

April 17: Have you experienced ableism before? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Well, there’s been only a few instances in which I’ve experienced this. One notable time was when I was struggling to handle the presence of the large crowd, noise, and temperature (I am super sensitive to temperature changes and freak out when it gets too hot; I can’t stand heat whatsoever.) at this one family gathering I was at. So, I excused myself and went to find a more quiet place at the park we were at to collect my bearings. When I came back, I managed to catch a piece of a conversation between two family members I hardly know. This is heavily paraphrased, but it went something like this:

A - “What was Matilda’s deal?”

B - “I heard she’s autistic or something like that.”

A - “She doesn’t look it. And shouldn’t she be acting more mature if she’s an adult? Autism is no excuse.”

B - “I know. Why can’t she just deal?”

Let’s just say, I’m glad I don’t really know those people. The worst part is this happened not too long after my official diagnosis. It was terrible. I never did address the situation, but it sure did ruin my day. The thing was, I was being mature by excusing myself. I’m sure they’d have much more to say if I had allowed myself to endure the situation until I blew up at somebody or started crying.

Another instance is when I told a now ex-friend that I was officially autistic and with the straightest face possible, she said, “No you’re not.”

April 18: Discuss how you felt when you felt when you first learnt you were autistic vs how you feel now.

When I was first diagnosed, I was both overwhelmed and relieved. I was relieved because I finally had an answer to why I was struggling so much, but I was also overwhelmed because now I had an answer and a label. I was officially “disabled”. It took me a little bit to accept the fact that I am different and I will struggle in different areas; I didn’t like that I had to endure all these struggles while others got it easy. I’m no longer that petty.

Now, I’ve come to terms with my diagnosis and have actually embraced it. Obviously, I’ve decided to spread awareness and acceptance of this condition and hope to continue to do so for the years to come. As long as I can better one life or educate one person, I’m happy. I just want to help and this is the way I’ve chosen. This is the only way I can adequately help people anyways XD.

April 15, 1983

(My b-day)

Cocteau Twins

opening for

day at work was not great, its just not busy now