#appl rambles

Now, I have never been one to sneak diss. I've never been one for internet drama. I hate conflict. I hate bullshit. And I hate the fact this is all coming from a bum ass video game fandom where we all fuck around and write and draw fanart and fanfics. This shit is for FUN. This isn't real life. But the people you're dissing and going after are REAL FUCKING PEOPLE.

I had no beef with none of y'all. I was always telling you all about how I can still be friends. And you come after them for what?

Because you're upset? You want vindication?

You're not ostracized because these people are in some cabal actively working against you. Everyone's minding their goddamn business and trying so hard to enjoy themselves. You're ostracized because of your own patterns and behaviors you refuse to fix in yourself but constantly point out in others. I offered you my friendships and kindness and I know now I'm just the fool who dared to give ANY OF YOU the benefit of the doubt.

I can't believe this. It's fucking fanart. Of ocs. On the internet. It's for fun. PERIOD. Doing this for clout is doing this for the wrong reasons.- we're too grown for any of this shit and you know it.

I can't keep making fucking excuses for you or how you treat others and how you treat me. I've had enough defending you. And I've had enough being kind when my kindness means I get talked down to.

Things like this was part of why making art and shit became so difficult. Because sometimes people forget THIS IS A FANDOM ABOUT A MILSIM VIDEO GAME FRANCHISE AND NOTHING WE FUCKING DO IS THAT DEEP TO WARRANT ANY OF THIS.

me of all people, saying this...but grow the fuck up. Internet clout won't fill the void. If you failed at networking in your space, you find a new fucking space and move on.

None of the people you've hurt deserve the hate given. And I'm disappointed to see how all of this has devolved.

I'm sick. I'm getting sicker every week and I'm losing energy and I don't know why.

Some days I'm okay. Some days I sleep. I sleep more.

On worse days I can't get anything done.

My mother is not very understanding of my condition.

Being disabled I've dealt with and accepted times my body wins over what needs to be done. But this feels different. I'm scared. I feel like the stress at the beginning of this month impacted me significantly.

I feel like there's nobody to talk to about this because I'm ashamed in my way.

but yk