#appendixcancer

Yesterday a good friend of mine and I went to Olive Garden, the mall and then to the hockey game in the city near where I live. It was a normal day of laughs, smiles, and of course talking to each other about everything we were going through. We were sitting at Olive Garden near a couple who seemed to be on a date, instead of sitting across from one another they sat on the same side, near our table. I caught them multiple times looking over and smiling at me as if they were listening in on my friend, R, and I's conversation. 

I didn't hesitate to lie to her about the questions we were asking, then she asked something that caught me off guard. "What do your parents think about you?" I asked her what she meant by that and she continued, "About you being into girls." Well you see, my parents can think what they want and it won't change me. Yes, I want my parents to accept me, but either way I am me, and only me. I then told her this:

My parents tell me they accept me. But do they? I don't think so. My stepdad, who raised me from a very young age, won't even watch Ellen, he didn't like my LGBT friends come over, and he didn't have much to say when I came out to my parents. If someone asked if he was homophobic I would say, "Yes." On to my Mom, she lost my older sister to SIDS when she was 2 months old. I am my mom's only child and I don't think she really wanted to hear that I am a lesbian. She told me that she loved me no matter what, which I believe is true, she told me she accepted it and I was a tad shocked.. However, I still believed it because she is my mom. I talked to my aunt a few days later to come out to her about my sexuality and she already knew. My mom had talked to her and told her a completely different story. She didn't accept it and she didn't like it. My aunt on the other hand, she accepted it. Her daughter however is a Pansexual so I think she already went through the denial stage.

Anyway, we went to the hockey game, which ended very late and I came home. I was so excited to see my mom who I hadn't seen in 3 days because she had a few oncology appointments in Indianapolis at the Indiana University Medical Center. I was going to go with her but she didn't want me to go so I stayed home and distracted myself the best I could.

As soon as I walked in the door I went into my mom's room to wake her up to ask her about her scans and her appointments. Her response killed me a little..

I am going to do the best I can to live until your 21st birthday. 

Woah, what? Did she just say that? I am going to be 20 in May.. That isn't long at all. 

Her scans came back and the cancer has spread to more places in her abdominal area and is growing very quickly for what they had first expected. MY MOM HAS GOT TO BE EXAGGERATING. She then told me that she is going to do Chemotherapy to try and slow this cancer down, it will not KILL the cancer, it will only SLOW it down. (After talking to my aunt today, my mom wasn't exaggerating at all.. </3 )

As I said in an earlier blog, my stepdad isn't well either.. Now there is a possibility that I will lose BOTH parents before I turn 21. I am not sure how I will do this. As for now I am just trying to take it one step at a time, even the nights I cry myself to sleep. 

September 22, 2014. The day life hit me hard. Why? I woke up at 6 am to my mom screaming for me to wake up. The ambulance was on their way and my stepdad was having yet another heart attack. He has a defibrillator due to his previous heart attacks and it had shocked him 2 times. The ambulance arrived, which they knew my family well as my stepdad was on the fire department for 30 years. He retired in January of 2013 due to his heart complications. The ambulance left and we followed shortly after as I needed to brush my teeth and we figured we would let them get him into the ER so there was no need to rush. 

My mom and I arrived shortly after the squad and we walked into the ER and could here him screaming.. He was still getting shocked. 4 of the 6 nurses were at the nurses station laughing and smiling.. 2 of the 6 were in the room with my dad trying to get his heart to regulate. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! Are they seriously acting like that while a patient is fighting for his life? Finally they called for life flight. The Samaritan in Fort Wayne, Indiana was down for maintenance. They then called for life flight out of Toledo, Ohio which was about 20 minutes further. I walked outside and made a phone call to my best friend.. Bawling. I couldn't believe this. I didn't think he was going to survive. My biggest fear as a child was not having him at my wedding, he raised me. We left the hospital before he did so we could hopefully arrive about the same time. This was something we thought was small.. Not anymore. We arrived to the hospital and at this point he had been shocked 48 times. They say every time you are shocked by a defibrillator it is like being kicked in the chest by a horse. While we were there he was shocked one last time. 49 times he had been shocked. That is crazy. They finally got him stable and they took him to coronary ICU. He then spent the next 6 days there. I was with him from 9 am until about 8 pm when my mom got off work and would spend time with him. His son didn't come up once to see him, nor did he call.

During his time in ICU my mom wasn't feeling too well.. I kept telling her she needed to go to the doctor and she wouldn't. Finally I told her if she didn't then I was going to call for her and schedule her an appointment. She went in and they decided to do more tests even after her monthly check ups for her past run in with cancer. The test came back negative and the doctors were still worried.. Surgery. That was our only option. 

I couldn't believe what the doctors were telling me. The cancer came back and has spread to multiple parts of her abdomen. Appendix Cancer. It is everywhere. They can't remove all of it. Chemotherapy won't do a thing besides slow down the cancer. Which will only draw out her death.