#appelist

Yet another demon spawn of the Red Delicious (crossed with a Ralls Janet) this gravelly choking hazard has the taste of used sponge water and the consistency of the dirty leftovers it cleaned. This mushy, rough-skinned, Japanese experiment gone awry, is perfect for anyone who enjoys the taste of an apple that feels like it’s already been eaten by someone else.

The NZ Queen, from the eclectic Taylor Apple Company, is yet another hulking behemoth hailing from Kiwi Nation. This sexy looking runway apple is so large it actually qualifies as a ball for tournament-use in standard bowling leagues. Unfortunately, in apples as in life, its what’s on the inside that counts, and this inoffensive piece of eye candy lacks the punch needed to be worth a recommendation. 

Yes...the Opal apple looks like an old man’s butthole with a twig sticking out BUT did you know it tastes like an old man’s butthole too? The only saving grace of this apple is that it does not turn brown after being sliced. One of science’s cruel tricks, the one apple that never goes bad is also a disgusting, freckled, monstrosity that tastes like the sweat of a truck driver’s grundle. I don’t care if this apple stays fresh for a thousand years, I’d rather eat shit.

The Cameo Apple tastes like a dog fart wrapped in used Whole Foods napkins. With a flavorless interior reminiscent of powdered hospital soap, this freak of nature is called a ‘Cameo’ because it was found accidentally growing in a Red Delicious orchard and bred for public consumption (I can only assume as a way to show Zika victims there’s a fate worse than death.) Even M. Night Shyamalan showing up in his own movie is a better cameo than this. 

The Lucy Rose