They nuked my girl Vivienne, and then they tried to sideline my bestie Davrin to the supporting character in his own storyline.

hi gang, I'm just gonna say this: I don't believe in astrology, but every August I lean into, like, the MOST annoying Leo stereotypes and buy myself just a LOAD of shit, because I'm great and it's my birth month and I deserve it. to be clear I would be doing this regardless of when my birthday is, but as it happens all of my astrology bitch friends get to feel real smug 31 days a year after I've spent 11 months snorting at their assertion that space rocks and gas clouds have any bearing on their mental health and personality disorders.

ANYWAY.

when I was younger I tended to feel a bit guilty about my little birthday treats (and most other spending that was just for me), but I've mercifully grown past that shit now. one, "guilty pleasure" is a flawed concept. I'm not catholic, I don't have to feel guilty about shit. two, I have the money to do this. I'm fine. and three, best of all, all of my gifts-to-self came from smaller artists and creators, and I could NEVER feel guilty about supporting talented craftspeople just trying to make a living peddling their wares on the internet.

anyway, in the interest of further support I thought I'd compile a list of all the weird shit I've been treating myself to under the justification of my birthday and link to all the cool cool people who made this stuff. in all sincerity, they're making me very happy and I hope they make you happy too.

anyway, now that I've done the "annoying housewife prose at the start of a recipe blog" portion, let's get to the shit.

#1. Charming Little Fox

I was lured in by the honeycomb jewelry, because my wife LOVES bees and bee-themed accessories (thank god she's not on tumblr anymore, because MAJOR gift-giving spoilers), but ended up falling in love with all the unique earrings. I ended up getting this asymmetrical sun/moon pair, which makes me feel unspeakably cool every time I wear them.

#2. Skeletons in the Closet

okay, listen - my big splurge was on some of the handmade masks (filters included), namely one of these fringed baddies that's going to make me look like Orville Peck. but you've GOT to look at the clothes for sale on this site, which are some of the most gorgeous high drama gay goth shit I've ever seen in my life. velvet, fringe, and fishnet ABOUNDS.

#3. Jenny Shlemon

I'm kind of obsessed with this whole shop, which makes a lot of profane glittery iridescent resin jewelry that's EXACTLY my kind of tacky. my friend AJ got me one of their keychains for my birthday, which is shaped like a star, full of glitter, and has beads that lovingly spell out the word CUNT inside. that little gift came with a ten percent off on my next purchase. I went with these cool hoop-and-snake earrings, but I was sorely tempted by the ones that proudly proclaimed I PUT A WHOLE BAG OF JELLYBEANS UP MY ASS.

#4. Maya Kern

okay, listen. Maya Kern sure as shit doesn't need my help to sell size-inclusive, deep-pocketed skirts, which seem to instantly sell out every time a fresh batch is listed. which is why I was SO excited to snag one of these cuties covered in hands! I'm genuinely really excited to get this skirt and happy to support an independent queer artist, but this one IS also just sort of a flex that I get to wear one of these wonders on my body.

#5. Janatee Craftily

full disclosure that this is the shop of a dear, dear friend of mine, but what the fuck is the point of having a tumblr blog with followers if not to hype up your homies? this beloved chum is the master of many art forms, from crochet to jewelry to stickers to dice. this month I've been particularly hyped to receive a set of miniature rainbow dice, a glitter rainbow necklace, and a crocket halter top that are all Janatee Craftily specials.

#6. VestalKi

... aka tumblr user @kialessa. this cute little crochet water bottle holder isn't even here yet, but I'm already hype as hell to receive it. I go for a LOT of lengthy walks (probably like 3-5 a week, because pokemon go is serious fucking business) and it's hot as hell here. but I hate having to carry a water bottle around with my hands like some kind of medieval peasant (because, again, those pokemon are NOT going to catch themselves) so this is really going to revolutionize my entire life. PLUS Mack has informed me it can comfortably pull double duty as a purse??? my god, this is the gift that just keeps giving.

#7. Super Yaki

this is a movie with cute weird movie merch for cute weird movie fans, but what if, like me, you're a wretched bog hag who's never willingly engaged with pop culture in their life? well, good news: now there's Super Yaki merch for us, too! and if you happen to be a fan of Dimension 20, like me, even better news: it was designed by Kendra Wells, the artist behind the character art for The Unsleeping City! if you're not a fan of Dimension 20, just disregard that last part and look at this cool shirt.

credit for me owning this one actually goes to Rachel @dykerory, who insisted on buying it for me mere moments after I sent them this image and asked if I should buy it for myself. thanks, beloved bestie brainworm <3

#8. GreenTree Factory

one of the only other entries on this list that I didn't encounter through the internet! I met these shop owners at a local farmer's market, and was delighted by their drinks-themed candles and whimsical little soaps - so delighted that I immediately had to buy a matching lime margarita candle/soap set. the scents are phenomenal, the craftsmanship delightful, and products are extremely long-lasting. look at this - this sparks joy in my heart literally every time I light it.

#9. The Euphoric TreeFort

I met these guys at a con where I was volunteering, and it took all my willpower not to drop over 100 dollars on candles right then and there. they have some of the most unique and VIVID scents that I've ever encountered in my life, some of which frankly seem like an affront to God and science. I don't know how they managed to so perfectly capture the scent of cheese pizza in a candle, and I have no idea who would want to burn it, but I do have to admit it's very impressive. more palatable options include their orange soda scent, which I frequently just carry around my house, unlit, sniffing it and marveling at how exactly like orange soda is smells.

#10. The Bail Project

swerve - you thought this was going to be all about materialism and buying things, didn't you? it mostly is, but one of the most rewarding things I've thrown my money at in a long time is Lil Nas X's bail fund. you can make a one-time donation or do what I did, and set a small recurring donation to be charged every month. I was mostly joking when I called this a gift-giving guide, but any donation to the Bail Project could literally change the course of someone's life, and there's no better gift than that.