#aplang16mask

I can remember it like it was yesterday it was about 4 years ago I used to cover up all the disfunction and shity truths with a mask and I grew to fit it I would wake up every morning and put a fake smile on my face id wipe  away the dried up tears from the night before,  crying my self to sleep Id tell my self over and over that everything would be ok but in that moment it wasn't I covered up my depression with a mask because I know that my friends didn't understand mental illness and how it was effecting me they would run to the kid with the broken arm to sign their cast but my issues seemed like they were just all in my head they told me to get over my self to grow up but it just wasn't that simple so I decided to put on a mask I was aways happy and smileing but underneath it all was a sad kid that just wanted to stay innocent and hold on to a family that seemed to be falling apart I suffered in my own mind my thoughts told me life wants worth living and at the time no one was showing or telling me otherwise I was alone with my thoughts and I suffered with my depression I was the happiest kid with the biggest smile and  an ugly truth but I though I could barry all of that deep down in my subconscious but some how it was always there in the back of my mind telling me life wasn't worth living I know this wasn't healthy and I eventually seen a psychologist that help me with my depression I wasn't as sad any more and life started getting better even though a lot of  things changed I was no longer lost I finally ripped off the mask baring my truth I was happy not because thats what others approved of but because I was truly happy with life

Woow this is a deep subject to talk about since for me this topic goes back to middle school. More specifically 7th grade and a bit of 8th grade. I moved to Avondale in 7th grade and I was the new kid that year. During that entire year, people didn’t want to get to know me, they would just put a mask or label on me. People would just look at me and put a mask on me. They would just look at me and think I’m some nerd just because I am brown and wears glasses. People would also find out that I’m Muslim and then call me a terrorist and make terrorist jokes to me. People would just put these masks on me and believe that is the true me. And I actually ended up fitting in those masks placed by people or at least some of them. I ended up becoming a quiet person who didn't really talk to many people and didn't have many friends to talk to. I hide myself from everyone and I flew under the radars for the most part. But that was me before high school and now I am the true me.

But through all of my masks I could have taken every single one off. Thing is, I didn’t. I am afraid of who I can be/am. I don’t want people to see what I’m like and I don’t want to be rude/prejudiced/shoved in a corner to live life by myself. Like, fully by myself. No friends. Family would probably disgrace me. Not having any group I could belong in. I leave the masks on because that’s the thing people want to see and, honestly, it’s something I would rather stay behind. Keeping these masks on has given me places to belong and feel accepted and live an interesting life. 

God bless America. (Sarcastic patriot mask BTW)

Now the mask I wear is that of the stereotypical angsty teen and, depending on whether you talk to me alone, in a group, or on the internet I change and moph. The role that a lot of people put me in is someone who can help. someone who gives advice or just listens and it’s not a bad responsibility to have but as time goes by I feel myself sounding more and more like a greeting card than a person. I’m becoming someone who is just there for comic relief and the person that tries to make everyone else happy.  

Our masks are like a form of protection. They’re there to ensure we don’t get hurt or to make us fit in. We feel that changing ourselves is what will keep us safe. For me, always keeping a smile is my mask. It keeps me from looking weak or vulnerable. No one likes a downer, so I fake a smile even in the toughest situations. Although I may not always be happy, the mask is my way of looking like I am. What other people think, and how they perceive me is more important then letting my true emotions through. I keep the mask in hopes it will grow on me and become a part of who I truly am, rather than what I try to be.

One mask I can talk about is my mask from the past. I used to be the most quietest/shyest girl. I think because of this reason, many people still view me today as reserved child. I’ve been through a lot these past years. My experiences with the real world, school, friends, family has all shaped me into the person I am today. A few months ago I had this one on one time with my cousin to catch up on life. We were talking and I remembered talking about how I am “sheltered” for most of my life. It’s kinda true. I had a different childhood than the typical American kid because I did not watch The Cheetah Girls, or watch all 3? seasons of High School Musical. My childhood was consisted of Chinese Dramas, PBS kids shows. My family barely went out to eat dinner I didn’t really have any close friends that I would have sleepovers with. I realized that it wasn’t until these recent years where I started to hang out with friends that would take me out to experience new things. Also, I have also been a lot more involved with the community/school. Even today, I’m still trying to figure myself out, learning and experiencing different things. I guess my mask has been taken off for a very long time now. NewJoyce is in the house!! (though it’s not really new, it was just hiding behind the quiet/shy girl) 

It took me a while, but I think I figured it out. The mask I wear today has definitely formed from the masks of both my past and the masks of those around me. I associate my mask with the characteristic of being a people pleaser.  Every once in a while vivid cracks will appear in my mask, exposing my true self. It all started in middle school, when I found myself absorbing the lives of those around me. For a while, I thought I was just a “go with the flow” mentality; following what everyone else was doing in order to fit in. My instinct was to always hide behind the voices of my friends. But soon I began to realize I was allowing my decisions to be determined by those around me, allowing my own opinions became nonexistent. When asked questions on my opinion on a subject, 90% of the time I chose my stance based on the opinion of the person I was talking to. Deep down I was afraid, afraid my voice would hurt those around me or possibly cost me a relationship. All I wanted was to keep the peace, avoid the drama of a debate. But soon my voice would be completely camouflage by my friends’ voices. On the inside I had voice, one that had thoughts and opinions, one that cared where we went to eat or what fundraiser our money should go to. But young, middle school me kept quiet, in fear that those around would judge me for my stance on a topic. Writing this I’m starting to realize there are still residue left from that mask. The majority is gone, but to this day every so often I can be seen allowing others to dictate my decisions.