#aphroditedolan

first and foremost, i deactivated because of the sheer amount of blatant, cruel, and unacceptable disrespect i endured while writing for fun and for free. i would spend hours, upon days, upon weeks, upon months working on projects and i still got this disrespect. people were critical of my appearance, my strong-willed and passionate nature, the way i presented myself online -- but, amazingly, never of my writing. see, truth be told, arrogance in tote, my writing is phenomenal. it was rare that you’d catch a spelling or grammatical error (which is a direct result of my educational privilege, i recognize), each plot was well thought-out, each descriptor would bring the scenery, the characters, the erotic scenes to life; you name it, i took the time to near-perfect it. i wrote, edited, sometimes went as far as rewriting -- my point is, i was dedicated. 

a few weeks ago, i even took the time to completely reorganize my blog; i gathered and linked all the small concepts & blurbs i wrote and put them into a masterlist, on top of updating my fic masterlist to be more aesthetically pleasing, cleaner, and editing pictures myself to put them on both masterlists. i did this because i was excited to continue the two short series which i had started: Let Me Get That For You and A Girl is a Gun. additionally, i had ideas, WIPs, and other projects i was planning and writing for that i couldn’t wait to embark on -- and then, it was like something changed in the fandom.

well, i suppose i can’t say changed. let’s say more like... got exponentially worse.

from the very beginning, there were two types of people who i noticed in the twins’ tumblr fandom: there were those who earned their numbers, and there were those who preached ideas of entitlement. there was also a hierarchy: big blogs, and small blogs. it was like a caste system of its own kind. i’d like to discuss this for a brief moment.

when i first started writing, i was absolutely nobody in the fandom. i wasn’t on other platforms, i hadn’t been a stan for very long, i didn’t know anybody -- the tumblr fandom was where i wanted to start and, for the most part, ended up staying. i mention this because at the time of aphroditedolan’s deletion, i was considered a “big blog.” how did i go from small to big, then? if it’s a caste system, how could i have transitioned?

the answer is simple. the system you all created doesn’t exist. in this fandom, you are either entitled or you are talented, and that’s about it.

i never sat around begging people to like, reblog, or read my work, and i never pleaded for followers. i got them because i put out good, consistent, beautiful writing. i interacted with people, i wrote for prompts, i reached out and cultivated friendships, i did what i went to tumblr to do: write and be part of a community that loved the dolan twins. that’s it. the numbers came through hard work, dedication, and most of all, earning every one of them. 

no one on this earth or any other is entitled to likes, reads, reblogs, comments, kind words, attention, followers, or anything of the sort. yes, everyone deserves those things; no, you shouldn’t just get them. you should strive to earn these things. and honestly, while i think everyone is deserving of a chance, not everyone is cut out to be a writer. not everyone is made or meant for this art. because it’s an art. it’s a skill that needs to be developed and practiced. you can’t just sit down and bang out some writing. you absolutely must be dedicated and passionate about it if you ever want a taste of being successful. and that’s just it; some of you are doing this for the wrong reasons. you do it for the numbers. numbers do not fucking matter. they aren’t even real. it’s just a count of people who have physically interacted with your post, or people who actually decided to follow you.

everyone deserves to have their craft appreciated, but when you just start writing for the attention you think it’ll get you, that’s not a craft. that’s you doing the things you see others doing because you see the attention they get and you want a piece of that for yourself. it’s a shitty, horrible motive. and then, when it’s obvious that writing isn’t your strongest talent or even a genuine passion of yours, you whine about some system that isn’t fair, you create something to blame for your lack of success -- of course, it must be the bigger blogs.

i’m proof that that just isn’t true and y’all are lying to yourselves. in less than a year, i ended up with 4k followers and extremely successful pieces. again, because i earned it. through time, effort, and dedication, i earned it.

another thing that came with the culture of entitlement in the fandom was people being self-pitying in order to evoke guilt in their audience, so that people would go and tell them, no, your writing is so good, keep it up. they did it as a means of getting the attention they hadn’t earned. people got into the habit of trying to use me for more attention. they would feign friendliness, interest in my blog, etc., all to say, hey, can you check out my writing and reblog it?

i don’t fuck with that shit. it’s a huge part of why i had to turn my submissions off and my messages off from people i didn’t follow. i don’t like people who only care about numbers and want to use me for more numbers. it was beyond disrespectful that people thought i couldn’t see what they were trying to do; honey, manipulation is a skill just like any other, and i’m better at it than you are. don’t try it on me.

besides the overly-entitled, suffocating people who would shit on, criticize, and blame others for their low numbers which resulted from their sheer lack of effort and self-awareness (and by this i mean actually stopping to question 1. what is your motive here and 2. is what you’re producing actually good or is it slapped together messily?), there was also the culture of feedback to the writer from the audience. 

it was rare that i’d get any other response on my writing besides “part 2?” “more?” “part 2 plzzzz” “you need to update this” and etc.

how many times is the writing community gonna have to say that those comments aren’t helpful, kind, supportive, constructive, or ANYTHING besides annoying? they’re demanding. they push the idea that they just want more of the same ol’ shit. even after i made it blatantly clear on more than one occasion that i don’t take requests and would not be adding a part 2 to something unless it was upon my own discretion, there were still constant, never-ending, tireless requests for more, or requests in general. it was frustrating and infuriating. i was so tired of repeating myself. and when i stopped repeating myself and started linking people to asks or my FAQ where i had already answered that question, people wanted to act like i had an attitude. people gave me endless grief that i was a bitch, aggressive, had a shitty attitude; no, babe. i just wasn’t tolerant of poor treatment. you should try to start adopting this attitude for yourself. respect yourself and know your worth. it’s really as simple as that.

when the biphobic comments rolled around, i’d had enough. it’s when i decided to take my break, truly because i was furious (as i had every right to be) and because that whole situation made me not want to write at all. all my passion and motivation to finish projects i’d been so excited to do for you guys went out the window. it’s sad that y’all pushed me over the edge this way. i gave it time, i let the wounds heal, i let the anger fade, and i started an official hiatus to do this. i’m also in school again, which meant i’d be less active anyway, and it felt like a good idea to just put some distance between myself and the tumblr fandom. but the distance has only solidified the feeling that i’m just not appreciated as much as i deserve to be. and i don’t mean in numbers. i mean for the amount of effort i put in to get constant backlash on things that don’t even have to do with my writing, to work so hard only to be pissed the fuck off, to dedicate so much time and energy to a group of people only for y’all to erase my identity, send me hate, try to act big and tough and like you’re the shit behind anonymous... i’m good luv, enjoy.

there are also other factors; truths about some of the people in the fandom that are idolized, the constant plagiarism of my work, the overwhelming sense of responsibility that came with keeping up with my blog like it was a job, among other things that i don’t care to elaborate on.

so that’s it. i got tired of the same old shit and i know i deserve better. below, i’ll answer some questions that i think some people may be left with:

are you and luna still dating?

yes. for the last time, yes. we are dating. we are a couple. we love each other. we are in a long distance relationship and we are actually dating. not like two besties pretending to date because it’s quirky -- we are actually. fucking. dating. and no, nothing happened between us to make me make this decision. we are doing great.

are you gonna write ever again?

in my life? yes. for the twins, in this fandom, or on this platform? fuck no.

are you still a fan of the twins?

yes! oh my god, probably always. no matter where they go or what they pursue, i’m there with them. they have made my life better, and i have a lot to thank them for. i’ll just be enjoying their content from alllllllllll the way over here.

are you gonna be blogging about the twins?

not at all. in fact, i don’t even follow rockstardolan because i’m keeping my dash away from all of that. i’m not following any dt related blogs. i’m gonna do my thing over here, and love the twins in private, on my own terms. 

why did you delete all your writing?

in truth, after everything, i don’t even want it to remain there. i essentially wanted to erase my contribution and my footprint on this fandom. plus, having my writing just out and about, having already been plagiarized so i’m sure you can find some things in various illegal wattpad compilations, makes me worry about more people doing that. i wanted to keep that damage to a minimum. so yeah, they’re gone forever. 

what about your friends, people you interacted with, etc?

the people who matter will stay in touch. there are some people i’ve cut out from my life for good because they’re toxic and quite frankly i just don’t like them. i’m done subjecting myself to people i don’t even fucking like for the sake of keeping others happy. but, the good friends who respected me, treated me well, etc, they’ll reach out when they can. i’d say i encourage it, but i have a lot on my plate as is and have a hard enough time keeping up with things in the real world, let alone things online. there’s still love there, i’m just keeping a safe, healthy distance and doing what’s best for me. 

if you have other questions, you can feel free to ask, but i’m really not in the market for new friendships. it’s not that time in my life. i literally cannot handle more than what i’ve got on my plate, and i’m keeping my priorities in order. i don’t care if you think i’m rude, if you think i’m a bitch, if you think i’ve got a bad attitude, if you think i’m a piece of shit, if you’re angry, if you’re sad, even if you’re gonna miss me -- this is for me. i’m letting this out as a big, fat fuck you to the things and people that ruined my experience on aphroditedolan, and as an explanation for the few people who deserve it.

take care of yourselves. do the things that make you happy. don’t tolerate things that don’t make you happy. do no harm, take no shit, and most importantly,

stan the FUCKING dolan twins.

signed,

as some of you may remember, i made a post on my personal blog (which i no longer use, but that is still up @psychicnymph) explaining why i decided to leave the fandom and swearing that i would never ever write for the twins or on this platform ever again. when i started getting into sam & colby (and, really, the whole traphouse), i felt that desire to write fanfiction again. i started reading some here and there, just indulging in my newfound love for colby brock, and then i started having these ideas for things i wanted to write. i debated it for a few days before deciding to sit down and write bad guy, and writing it was cathartic. i had just finished my semester at purdue, and i had taken an intermediate fiction writing course where i had spent so much time and energy on my short stories that it was so wonderful to write for the fun of it.

now, bad guy and the whole where we go series was an idea i’ve had since last summer. i had intended to write the series of fics about the twins, and i was going to alternate between ethan and grayson (meaning there would’ve been 6 ethan fics and 6 grayson fics). the plan was to finish let me get that for you and a girl is a gun before starting it or even mentioning the series. and then, an absolute shitstorm ensued.

the hate i was receiving, and especially the biphobic comments people were making, was inexcusably and unnecessarily cruel. i had reached a point where i had had enough, and rightfully so. there were things i didn’t like about the fandom (which i addressed) and there were people who i wanted to distance and protect myself from—not to sound dramatic, of course, but i mean what i say. i felt criminally under-appreciated in the community i had given so much to. and to be clear, i wasn’t hurt by it; i was angry. i could not believe the sheer audacity of some people, and i’m sure any of you taking the time to read this feel or felt the same way. i didn’t want people to be able to enjoy what i had spent so much time on after being treated that way. so, i left, and took away the opportunity for people to enjoy my writing on the principle of being disrespected. and obviously i know it was not everybody, but we learned as kids that a few bad people can ruin something for the whole group.

when i started to write bad guy, i originally considered just writing the fics without posting them. you know, just get it down and get it all out and move forward. but,,, as a writer, i felt two things:

sad because no one would get to appreciate or enjoy my writing

guilty because i knew people would really like the fics & my ideas

so i started to consider writing under an alias. i created the identity i’ve been writing under for (at least?) a month: asteria. after creating the identity, i set up a pinterest account, a twitter account, and spotify account under the name “asteriasyzygy” in order to interact with the fandom essentially in incognito mode. i really, really didn’t want people to figure out or even speculate that it was actually me. i didn’t want to subject myself to the toxic parts of the dolan twins fandom again. what had been a wonderful experience was completely destroyed by a few assholes on anonymous—i didn’t want to allow that to happen again. i wanted to be in complete control of how i interacted with the sam and colby fandom and enjoy the experience without my past attached to me.

and that was going great! i’ve really enjoyed talking to the people in this fandom and, similar to the dolan twins tumblr fandom, i found that tumblr was the best platform to be on while interacting with other fans. i seriously smile so big whenever i see my mutuals interacting with me on here. i barely know you guys but i would absolutely lay my life on the line for all of you (once again, not to be dramatic, but... 🥴). so, that begs the question that this entire post is centered around: what changed?

i was looking through my google docs and i saw a few old fragments of pieces i had started, and even just a few fragments of middle parts of a story that i wanted to build around, and as i was looking through them, i saw that i could go through my deleted documents. i clicked on the trash icon and at the very top of the list of deleted documents was the fic that turned me into a classic writer: hate fuck. i was so happy to have found it again and i was forever grateful for google having that feature. i opened the document and started to read it. of course i remember writing it (it had legitimately taken me almost two months to finish), but the details of it weren’t fresh in my mind, so i got to read it almost as though it were for the first time. it was 14.3k words and was a good, lengthy read. i was astonished at how well-written it was—like, not to stroke my ego in public, but i was in shock and repeating to myself, “i wrote this???”

after the initial disbelief of my own skill, i settled on feeling nostalgic and sad. i remembered all of the people i had come to love, all the insane experiences i had, all of the kindness i had been shown, how much fun i’d had—and i yearned for it. i missed it. for the first time in a while, i felt that my passion was back, and it weighed heavier to me than any anger or bitterness i felt towards the people who had sent me hate. i couldn’t give less of a fuck about them in that moment. i also thought about all the people who had shown me that kindness, and i remembered the people who adored that fic, and i had been reminded of those posts that talk about how special finding that one fic is, and i just felt so sad for taking away what i knew had been some peoples’ favorite fic! i had my reasons, but those reasons have lost importance to me.

i especially felt a yearning to return to the wonderful parts of the fandom and my time in it when i found the unfinished pieces i had been working on. again, there was quality writing and talent—and i say this as humbly as i can—that i felt impressed by. since i was reading it with fresh eyes, it felt almost like i was reading someone else’s work. and, i shall reiterate once more, not to be dramatic (but), i practically was. i’ve changed so much since then (though i’m still aggressive, opinionated, and a bitch—don’t get too excited 🥰) and i’m in a different headspace now than i was then—as i’m sure literally every single person is! it’s been a long time and a lot has changed for everyone.

what i’m getting at here is:

i miss the parts of the dolan twins fandom that i loved and that were kind to me

i wanted to post hate fuck again for the people who deserve it

i found old pieces about the twins that i really want to continue and am planning to continue (and am planning to post)

plus, i think there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to live in fear of people from my past returning. i don’t want to have to hide behind a fake identity to be able to enjoy the things i love. i deserve to peacefully love approximately three (3) men on a platform that’s near and dear to me. i deserve to do one of the things i love most, i.e., write, and i deserve to do it uninhibited and unafraid. i am not afraid of hate, and i am not afraid of biphobia, and i am not afraid of my past.

i want to make it clear i’m not expecting anyone to pick up where we left off, nor am i expecting that anyone will care that much that i’m back. those who loved my writing, and especially hate fuck, are offered the opportunity to enjoy it again. i wanted to give an in-depth explanation of everything for anyone who might wonder why i chose to write under an alias and also make sure no one thinks that my work is being stolen by anyone—it’s actually me :)

if you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to reach out in my inbox. just as it was when i was aphroditedolan, it is always open to everyone for all kinds of things. don’t hestitate to reach out if you’re in need of advice or someone to talk to. i’m always here !!

thank you to anyone who read this whole post. i appreciate you with my whole heart.

sincerely,