#anxietystuff

I really need to get back to therapy, I feel like it’s consuming me again.

After my sorta “break up” (was dating, not in an official relationship but you might as well call it a break up) I’ve been frequenting Tinder and OKCupid just because I guess I’m really desperate to be in a relationship when I’ve never been in a legitimate one.  After actually seeing someone, gaining trust and being intimate it made me really want to explore my options when I was never able to do it prior, but at the same time it was a catch 22 - who I was dating has probably been the most understanding person I’ve ever been around in regards to my anxiety and he was able to handle that so solidly - so I feel like I’m losing someone really important by cutting him off like this. I just could never provide him what he needed in a relationship, and while I do care for him so so much, I don’t think it was healthy for either of us.

But now I’m craving attention, and I feel like I’m being so damn self destructive it’s embarrassing. My anxiety flares up, I’m self conscious every time I talk to someone on either of those apps and I feel like no one will ever understand like he did. Aside from my desire for attention, I guess my main argument was that I wanted to explore more, I wanted to meet people out of my comfort group of the artist-type that I’ve always surrounded myself with. And I guess I’ve only realized how little real world experience I have, and how little I can relate to other people then what I originally thought. It’s so unsettling I feel like shit.

I mean no one has put me down for it, but I can’t help but feel embarrassed. I’m so embarrassed by my mental illnesses and in turn I just hate myself more and more every time I realize how much they prevent me from living a normal life. I realize I’m back into the habit of not eating all day because I have no appetite and then it gets to the point where I feel so sick and lack energy to even make food for myself. I keep procrastinating on my work and it’s only making me more stressed. I sat in the bathtub today after I emptied it for a good twenty-thirty mins crying on and off. And then I’m constantly having self harm and suicidal ideation (mostly related to cutting and drowning). Neither I would do, but I feel like I have all these self destructive tendencies where I harm myself emotionally when I can’t do it physically. And I keep yearning for attention that I don’t think through my actions at all.