#anxietydiary

Time started: 5:30pm

Time ended: it’s 7:09pm and my brain is still clouded.

Symptoms: Peripheral vision blurring, clouded thinking, tired neck to shoulders, just wanting to lie down, but I’m forcing myself to write this and do other things to help me calm down, easily - very easily irritated, uncomfortable frontal lobe.

So... After doing some gardening, I just thought of alooooot of things. Just this and that that should have never been a trigger anyway. Again, business stuff, being the eldest and that I should take full responsibility of my parents when I can barely afford to live by myself, Saturday’s testing and session, Monday’s Boracay trip, credit card bill, other bills, life in general. Those thoughts going around in circle. 

Currently trying to watch stuff that will help calm me down. I still need to finish cleaning my room before leaving tomorrow. I don’t want to work out because I’m just to lazy because of the anxiety even if it will help me calm down. And because I still have to do this and that. Anyway, I should just take a bath first and then have some of my relaxing tea. I need to sleep early and wake up really early tomorrow.

Decided to make a diary whenever I have anxiety attacks. 

This might help. 

I haven’t gone to see a psychologist yet, but I’m already in the list for assessment and counselling. There’s just a line I guess and the center I went to only has a day in a week for those. 

Here goes...

Started at around 1pm when I went home from a gathering at the beach with our workers. On my way back, the rice fields were already prepared for the next planting season which will be around first and second week next month. 

Trigger: Rice season again. It hit me that it’s going to be the harvest season again in a few months and local rice is just moving to slow. I kept on thinking about the wrong decisions I made, about how can I pay our bills and all, if I can pay them on time. What if I can’t at this rate? What if I can’t find a solution? What if I can’t find another way? What if I can’t create another opportunity out of this situation? What if I can’t? What if I can’t keep the house? What will I do with  my dad then? What will I do if I fail? This makes me worry. A lot and it just goes around in my mind in an endless cycle. I just want to die.

Symptoms: Blurring of peripheral vision, clouded thinking, cold sweats, got tired - had to take a nap, too paralysed to do something - I just don’t want to get out of bed anymore, but I’m forcing myself to have some exercise right now because it help me.