#anotherjournalentry

I am officially saying that this has become my safe space... because for months of realizing that i don’t even have my own space, maybe this blog is... wala kasi akong sariling kwarto. well almost lahat ng gamit ko naka scatter sa iba ibang parts ng bahay kasi nga i don’t have my OWN room :( i actually asked one but my mom gave me a house instead... well sinasabi niya “bahay ni angel” pero excuse lang talaga yun.. kasi bodega/guest room namin yun. sobrang display lang nung bahay na yun dahil may kitchen sa baba pero ayaw pagamit..

ANYWAY

I had a triggering/angry moment today. it was with my lola.. i was exhausted from today because i did “many things’ and she wanted me to do something when I was just at the moment of sitting and having a break. actually i shouted at her. number 1 i was not able to calm myself and yeah. number 2 i feel like everytime someone talks to be and triggers me in some type of way i feel like i am going to explode! :( idk what to feel anymore.

today i watched enola holmes. it was a pretty good film that from the olden times yet the characters are having the mindset for the future. i dont have a sharp memory of the exact words they said but i searched some.. “you are being emotional it is understandable but unnecessary.” “our future is up to us.” good thing with enola is that she had an amazing supportive mother who taught her how to be a woman of your own to be smart, not to please anybody and to just be your self. i should not envy her but i should at least try myself to be me and to find that freedom to let go of myself to my find my real self. 

wow september is going by in seconds! it was so so fast it is already 22nd day of the month already??? and i have been so active for this month. 

to be honest this month was unexpected at all. in my previous posts, i was planning my life well especially for this month. IDK why i have been typing/speaking here in english. i will try my best not to anymore. AYUN NA NGA, nagkamali nga ako akala ko november na next ng september i totally forgot about october! 

in the first week of september i was stable and then shit happened. i got depressed again for almost a week and i still felt it for another week. well for the past few days i feel a little bit better. and i am slowly becoming myself again. 

sometimes i want to write to my mom again. because for the past months di niya padin ako naiintindihan. sobrang hirap lang na you are trying to make yourself feel better and okay and there she goes doing and saying things that make me go insane again. well sometimes hindi lang siya pero yung buong bahay ay insensitive and always have side comments. ang toxic lang ng mga tao sa bahay na sobrang nakakadisappoint na. i know naman na nobody’s perfect.

now, what i want to say to her is that. she have to accept what she have done wrong to me. she is so blinded and in denial because of the good things she had done for me, and not thinking about the bad things she has done. which is sad and frustrating because the more she says she loves me and everything but the impact of it and how things affected me was actually bad. another thing that i am disappointed about is the fact that she “gives up” on me. whenever we have an argument she always have that closed door of not even trying to fix the problem. that makes me even more frustrated with my life. that she even sometimes makes me feel guilty about. she makes me guilty for my actions, words and everything when she should’ve done things instead. and to be honest if only i am my own mother i could’ve addressed it on my own but i am not. i cannot be the one to tell her how to be a mother... she should at least try to restore out relationship. it shouldn’t be just me. because for the past few months i have been trying yet there she is. and another thing it’s hard for me to do all the work when i am the one who got hurt here. that’s the reason why i am second guessing forgiving her. but God has always been pointing out to me to forgive other because he has forgiven me and others. i mean who am i not to forgive. but the thing is when i start to show her or make her feel forgiven she will go back to her old actions and the cycle will start again. i am afraid that i might be back with all of those old times.

now, i am trying my best to step up and take each day the best i can. i have some small achievements i have worked out, smiled a little bit, but on make up and just wake up and start my day. sobrang simple lang but for me ang lakng bagay na nagawa ko yung mga dati kong nagagawa. 

i should probably list all the problems i encountered and the lesson i should learn from those. probablt next time...

lord,

i praise and glorify you to be my God, our God. i would like to say i am sorry for all the sins i have done and will do. i ask for your forgiveness. thank you for all the times you make me feel your presence and guidance. i thank you for all the blessings you give whether they are good or bad. i know you will always lead me to you Lord. now, i pray for everyone my family, friends, filipino people and the world. so that they will also seek you as their God and hold on to you sincerely. I pray for the health of everyone, to everyone’s battling the disease or any disease may they seek comfort from you. for everyone’s that is working despite this pandemic may they be always be safe. i pray for myself that i will just forgive everyone and be better. i know it is selfish t pray for myself but i do pray for myself that i will be better and to be able to live and love again.

i may or may not have been active on this blog this month... it is already my 3rd entry? well it makes sense because i have been alone for a while now.

to be honest, i am getting tired of being alone and being alone with my thoughts.

yesterday, i started my day with a fight with my mom, i think it was more of a mental breakdown.

i get exhausted at night even though i have done nothing throughout the day. i still do things but i got a lot of times resting and mostly not doing anything....

I am confused, lost and mostly out of words. 

i feel alone. i feel sad. when i cry i couldn’t stop right away. i do smile and laugh but it is just because of what i am watching..

i feel like i am letting myself and God down. with all of these emotions i feel but i dont know there is always that “thing” that keeps pulling me down to that hole. idk if its because i still do not have closure. or because of the current situation we have in the planet that not everything is easy right now. 

i just go back to my tiny hole my little space and not mind anything. but still do functional things like take a bath and eat but that’s mainly it.

i dont really know what’s happening with my life, my brain, my body

i just thought that i have come very far. i have lived for almost 2 years from that time i thought of ending things. i have been so harsh to myself. i pray that i could love myself even more and to completely heal from all the pain i have experienced before and to show myself that i am worthy. i dont know why other people’s opinions matter to me so much. but maybe because no one really tells me i am enough or something like that. 

fuck it maybe i live in a shit hole where people don’t show that they care about me. that our family is just fucking complicated. 

i want to end this slump that i am in. i still pray that at the end of day it won’t be my life that would be at stake.

lord,

i know we have been through this. please help me and raise me up in this slump. i know that sometimes in order for you to power through is if i am all ready and surrendered. Lord, i dont know when, i dont know why i am taking this long to feel anything. i am really confused right now. now i pray for a peace of mind so that i can clearly make good decisions with my everyday life. i pray for my life to continue on despite everything you offer. i pray for all the people in the world that are feeling the same thing i am feeling i pray that they won’t let go of you or give up on their selves just yet. i pray for all the people, family friends, and the prayers’ of the world to you Lord. i am deeply sorry and thankful for everything. 

i dont know what to do with my life.

I have been on an off depressive for these couple of months. and i am getting tired of it. i have been making myself feel better but then again something’s bad gonna happen. i dont know why my self is giving up on me for the past week. i feel nothing but sadness, i dont feel like doing anything at all, i don’t feel like talking to other people. i don’t know exactly what to do with my life. 

i am lost. sometimes, i just want to sleep and sleep. 

i feel alone. 

i feel like nobody cares for my life. nobody cares for my feelings. 

i just feel sad overall

lord

help me, save me, i am sorry, but please please help me

It has been 6 months since the world has stopped and the philippines is on lockdown... i have been in the house for so long. though i still go out of our house whenever i needed to buy something or go to the hospital because of laboratories and diagnostics. 

and for this year i have been well and fine during january-april. but i dont know when may went and I totally felt physically and emotionally alone, i went to the dark place again :( now its already september and i have been stepping up and back with my baby steps into living my life.. but things aren’t always made for you. there still things that don’t go my way. just like the days when i am unlucky or the days when i argue with my mother.

so for today i am living my day... and yet in the evening i was triggered by her again. for the past 3 months i have been pulling myself back together to live and have a life despite my the circumstances i have. 

sometimes it is hard to believe in yourself when others don’t show they believe in you in every step of the way. i honestly just want to move out of this house and forget all of the bad memories and trauma it caused me. but those bad memories is what i had when i look back before. i honestly want to remember all the good things happened to me but i can’t really remember them now. because of how much pain life has caused me. it’s just hard to move on when i try to remember what happened when i was young all the bad things are the things i only remember.

in these times, all i can say is life is short, and we really don’t know what the future is in store for us. i just want myself to remember that it is never too late. i could still do what i had to do. i could still live for i should live for myself. i belong to myself. let’s go self you can do it! let’s fight for our life. because we are worthy and alive.

Lord,

 I praise and thank you! Thank you for all the times you are there for me when i needed you the most. I am sorry for all the sins i have done against you. I would like to pray for myself so that i will continue to love myself more. i pray for my family and friends to keep them safe and happy. i pray for the world so that it will fight against the real enemy which is the virus. i pray for all the hopeless and the people who are in dire need of your help especially these times of the pandemic. 

i think should at least write my journal here everyday. if not at least most days of the week and just write down things in my head.

so first things first, i was lazy for the past few days.. idek why i am like this. i feel like my life is going on a cycle that it is just almost repeating the same day. although ofcourse i am not doing the same thing at the same time each day. but it is most likely it... i feel like i have to change my routine before i go back to the dark place again. it’s just that i sometimes have reasons for some things that i should not “prioritize” or mind and just do some things. 

one thing i also noticed about me is that i like to push things later in my schedule. i always keep things up on my queue that sometimes i totally forget about them. i think i should stop procrastinating and actually start doing them right away. 

one more thing is that my sleeping schedule is so fucked up

my mind always wanders right before i sleep... it actually doesn’t matter if i am tired or not but that is always the case for me. :(

for the past few weeks i have been watching and listening to monsta x.. and i feel like i am cheating on EXO my main stan group. but also at the same time monsta x really uplift my mood and make me smile everytime i watch their videos. i had move on from my crushes from wonho to IM then now to SHOWNU idk but i always think of SHOWNU :(( maybe because i have been watching their videos. so i think i should stop or just minimize the times i watch them... 

i also want to say that God really is a great God. i think i am not standing here or breathing if it wasnt for him.. especially i went through dark times this quarantine. i just want to end with a prayer..

Dear God,

I praise and glorify you! Thank you for all the blessings you give me from your Words, actions and giving me life. i am sorry for the times i didn’t obey or follow you. now, i pray for my mental and physical health, future, and just my life so that i can move on and actually do things that are according to your purpose. I pray for my family and friends that they are always safe and happy. i pray that you will always guide their hearts and minds in everything they do. i pray for my mother that she will be open minded with what is happening to us. i pray for the world that we could overcome this pandemic and that there will be no more casualties and i pray for all the strength you can give to all the frontliners fighting for this disease.

I was supposed to write here the other night but i fell asleep already.. i was triggered the other day. because my mom had the audacity for her to tell her friend for me to do the things she wants to do. then I had a talk with my friend.. and i honestly don’t feel hopeless anymore. but i am just giving myself time to plan my “own” future even without her help. 

God truly moves in mysterious ways because the verse of the day on that day that I was triggered was “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.” -1Corinthians 16:13-14. Gods timing is always right and always on the moment. 

I still haven’t fixed my sleeping schedule.. i sleep during 4AM-12N which is very unhealthy... My insomnia is not helping me at all. because sometimes I get sleepy earlier but there are some things i remember or do that i just sleep later.

Now, i would like to make a draft on what i should do with my life.

1.Heal and put myself together and to have a better reaction with things.

2.Check hospitals I should apply for. And restudy concepts and skills. And prepare for interview.

3.Check requirements that needs to be submitted and apply and get each of it.

4.Have my driver’s license. 

5.Budget things and plan for new place. 

So far that is my plan.. And i wish i could finish before november comes. 

I think all I need would be God and i mostly doesn’t care for my mom’s opinion  anymore. I want to be free. I want to live. But i also think i shouldn’t leave things be like that for us. But i think she also has to do something about it. Not just me. 

Lord,

I praise and glorify you! Thank you for all the blessings you have been giving me for all my life. I am sorry for all the sins I have done. I pray for my mental and physical health. I pray that i could be better as person. I pray for my plan that will be also according to your plan. Because i think i couldn’t just let you plan for me and me not doing anything... I pray for my family and friends for their safety and support. I pray for the world that it may heal fast and be able to overcome this pandemic. 

i was triggered by the kdrama i am watching... i suddenly felt something na nilalayuan ko for the past few days. 

i read my letter i gave my mother last may. and to be honest she has not still understood my letter. 

i feel like I am truly not being heard despite all my efforts i shouted, i talked and i even wrote a letter. i feel crushed.

i wanted to live my life. i wanted to be better.

but i think it is a great factor that the people around me would make it “easier” for me to live. 

i honestly don’t want my mental health to worsen 

but with what is happening in our house i just dont know anymore.

i am just tired, i am emotionally tired of all of these thinking, feeling of sadness being alone and not heard of.

Lord,

i praise and thank you.

thank you for everything you have given me even the breath i take each day.

i want to let you know i am sorry for all the sins i have done.

i pray for my recovery, healing and peace. i pray that the important people in my life would understand me and help me to be better. i pray for that you will alleviate the pain i am feeling right now. i pray that i wont ever forget to trust you with everything. i pray that i will continue on with my life because i have you. i pray for my wellbeing, my mental health and my future.

i pray for my family and friends, for their safety, happiness and needs.

i pray for all the people who are sick and the people who take care of the sick. i pray for those who do not have food, money and helpless will seek for your help Lord and will not give up on each day you give them Lord. 

i pray for the world leaders so that they will know who the real enemy is. 

i pray for you Lord to give us the guidance we need, the things we need to survive, and to help those who are in captive by the enemy so that they’ll return to you. 

in this i pray,