#another'

The weight that I’d felt on my shoulders since I stepped foot out the building where I was working last week didn’t so much lift as it got lighter. In all seriousness, this surprised me, until I thought about it for a few minutes.

For me, personally, 2017 wasn’t a bad year. I think it was more a year of preparation. 

For me, preparation comes in many forms and one of the most visible is my body. I ate healthy for the year (for the most part: the last couple of months I haven’t been eating so I can’t really say I’ve been eating healthy), I did do some working out and lost a little weight (less than what I wanted), dropped a pant size, and I have more to go. Not much more, but more.

Then there is emotional preparation and that’s something that surprised me this year: understanding my rage. Now that I understand it, it’s gone. I’m sure it will come back at some point in the future because of something else, but knowing where it comes from, the root cause, means that it shouldn’t stick around too long.

And lastly, at least for now, is understanding my fear. Before this past year, I probably would have told you that I don’t have ‘fear’. That’s not true; I just didn’t know I had it. There are a number of them. I’ve decided I don’t want to live my life by not confronting those fears. I’m going to meet them head on and see what life brings.

I’m nervous about not having a job. I’m nervous about not having money coming in each month that allows me to pay my bills, put food on my table, and save. I have savings, and there is a program I’m going to get back into that will help me pay for my house. That, plus unemployment, and I should have very little out of pocket expense for about 6 months, which means that my money, that which I’ve saved, will last for a much longer period of time. I think my nervousness about not having a job has more to do with how I’m perceived (she’s ‘not employable’) rather than not having money come in (which, let’s face it: still a factor). This is a fear and I just need to work through it.

I have a goal of having an in-person interview by the end of the month. While that’s not really in my control, what I do does have an impact on that. My preference is to have a full-time gig rather than a contractor gig, so that’s going to be where I focus my efforts.