#anonrants

The title probably doesn’t really seem to link up with my story so before we begin, I shall explain. I don’t feel like I’m in high school because of the situations I am going through, it is more the feeling of hopelessness I felt in my teenage years. The feeling of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, being so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that I just want to make everything stop. I want to end it all. But I won’t. I choose to live for one very important reason.

My family is falling apart, two of my sisters are having this massive argument that looks like it will end up with them never speaking again. I’m the one who has to clean up their mess, fix their problems and take care of anyone they hurt along the way. They can’t even have a civil conversation without me there mediating. The worst part is, they are my older sisters, I an seven years younger than the eldest of the two but I am parenting them.

My friends have been involved in four car crashes within the last two months, two of which, my boyfriend was in the back seat. They could have been killed. The first two times my friends were the innocent party and have been the ones that got crashed into, the later two however, the two my boyfriend was in the car, it was completely their fault because they were being absolute idiots.  

On top of that I nearly lost my job because I was an hour late due to my inability to sleep because I keep stressing. Even now I am supposed to be asleep because I have a shift early in the morning, but I can’t sleep.

I could rant for hours about my recent issues but I have decided to keep things short, I can’t go 20mins alone without crying and its a real problem. I keep having the same feeling I did in high school, just end it all, you can make yourself stop hurting. I have chosen to live for one reason. 

Lyla

Lyla is a baby. She is four months old. She is not my baby but she is my joy. I see her once a week. That few hours I get to cuddle her are pure bliss, her smile brings me so much happiness. When her mother posts pictures of her, they make me smile through the moments I am most sad. No one has made me feel this way before but I love her so much even though I have only known her for two months. The love I feel for her is so different from any kind of love I have felt before. Her smile is the reason I stand strong, her giggles are the reason I smile, The way she dances keeps my head I high, the way she copies my movements and expressions is just pure heaven.

She is not my child. I am not related to her, but she is my current reason to hold onto life. I want to see her grow up, I want to see what kind of amazing woman she’ll be. I want t give her the world.

One of my best friends (Lets call her Goat) has been saying for months that she has no friends (which is completely untrue), which obviously hurts but I deal with it, she verbally abuses me, but I deal with it because I love her and That is just the kind of person she is. Recently it has gone way too far. She just got dumped by her boyfriend (Imma call him Puppy) whom used to be a good friend of mine (she deliberately drove us apart because she accused us of cheating with each other because we were such good friends. So our friendship ended so she would be happy). Puppy dumped her for mental reasons but he told her he still had feelings for her which I know for a fact that he did but I feel like the reasoning he gave was untrue. For the past few weeks before the breakup Goat became the crazy girlfriend, constantly accusing him of not loving her and getting mad at him for going to sleep at 10pm when he usually doesn’t sleep until midnight, then ranting to me about it all then saying she was still mad at the both of us for being such close friends, like it was such a bad thing we were helping each other through depression. Ever since the breakup she has ranted to me about how he is an asshole while she is clearly getting mad over nothing. Tonight, I had planned to hang out with two of my friends (We shall call them Duck And Mickey Mouse) and my boyfriend, Goat last minute invited herself even though both of the girls I had planned to hang out with often fought with her and they hated each other. So when we all meet up and tensions are high, I had prepared for a shit-show. The first few hours go by and nothing bad had happened, they were all being friendly (for my sake I believe) until Goat begins to say she has no friends again and my boyfriend replied with “What are we then?” To which apparently we are just people that she hangs out with. The two of us had a bit of an argument but I was very patient and didn’t retaliate to any of the bullshit she was saying (which I usually do when she verbally attacks me). In the end she had a tantrum and walked off. It’s not the first time she has done this so I let her have her tantrum and continued to spend time with the people that I had actually planned to spend time with tonight. Maybe half an hour later, we walk out of the building we were in and see Goat sitting against the wall by herself so I approach her while my other friends continue walking. I said hey to which I got no reply, Duck stopped walking, turned around to us and said to her “Are you going to be joining us or are you just going to storm off again?” I will admit that how she said that was a little rude but her intentions were kind. Although Goat immediately retaliated by yelling “You know what, I am sick of this shit, I have no friends, I am at the point of suicide and Sloth (me) is supposed to be my best friend but doesn’t even ask how I am” (All the while I am holding my arms up as if to say “Um bitch I exist, I am your apparent non existent friend). Before I continue my rant about tonight’s events I would like to point out all the bullshit that she just said, first of all, She has many friends, she was recently invited to a party that a mutual friend of ours (Scotland) is hosting, I for one wasn’t invited because our Scotland’s best friend (Voldemort) was the man my ex girlfriend (Bunny) cheated on me with, he was also the person that I shared my darkest thoughts and secrets. Secondly, most of my friends are suicidal, hell I’m suicidal, we all know this and we band together, Duck is majorly suicidal and is one of those people who know the date of the last time she self harmed so she knows how long she has been clean for (It’s been about a year and a half and I am so proud of her). And Finally, I always ask how she is doing even though I know the “I’m alright” I  get in response is a complete lie. So anyway Duck retaliates and yells about how Goat’s not the only one and that she is just being a bitch like usual while Goat is walking off, she gets about 10 meters away from us and turns around and Yells at Duck “You know what, Go kill yourself!” Now I never inject myself in these fights but what Goat had just said took it way to far, I immediately snapped at her and yelled, (there is a lot of yelling in this I know) “OI GOAT” which at the time we all knew meant “That was too far, back the fuck off” because when I have to step in at a Goat/Duck screaming match, we all know that shit is serious. My saying that must have done something because Goat just turned around and walked off into the night.