id pay an arm and leg to get the hell out of this convo
(or: a party! this is not a nice party! featuring the secular missionary, annie, and fiddy)
A SOCIETY PARTY — LATE EVENING
THE LOCHLAN and THE SECULAR MISSIONARY are standing together; the MISSIONARY has a drink in her hand, but she is not sipping anything, while the LOCHLAN is idly picking at the scar of her mouth. The MISSIONARY gives her an annoyed glance.
THE MISSIONARY
That does nothing good for your skin.
THE LOCHLAN does not respond.
THE MISSIONARY (leading, cont.)
You cut a dashing figure…
THE LOCHLAN snorts.
THE MISSIONARY (annoyed, cont.)
…and it would surely be a waste if you did nothing but look askance and broody.
THE LOCHLAN moves her hand away from her face, and instead settles her hand around her hips, where the sash of red ribbons—her momentos of violence, fights against assassins, creatures of the Zee, threaded locks of hair taken from every opponent she’s bested—lies.
THE LOCHLAN
I apologize, miss.
THE MISSIONARY (ruffled)
Well, yes. Accepted. Shall you have a drink?
THE LOCHLAN (hatefully joyful)
Would the lady be so kind and let me have a sip from her glass?
THE MISSIONARY
Nothing more than just that. I must insist you keep your head upon your shoulders. Act civil. Straightforward.
THE LOCHLAN leans forward; the MISSIONARY tips the glass of champange towards her, where the LOCHLAN takes with scarred hands and drinks, her nose scrunching up.
THE MISSIONARY
Well and enough.
There is a cry of excitement from one of the other party goers, the shout: Albatross, come and have a chat with me! There is the sound of footsteps—the LOCHLAN’S head snaps towards the side, and the MISSIONARY lets out a soft, strangled noise, disguised as a sigh.
PROFESSOR ALBATROSS enters, the faint sheen of violant lenses behind the dark ones in front.
THE LOCHLAN (more energetic)
Fiddy.
PROFESSOR ALBATROSS (bored)
Annie.
THE MISSIONARY (to THE LOCHLAN)
And this is…?
PROF. ALBATROSS
Ah, the loyal dog! Has the rope frayed yet?
THE LOCHLAN
I do pity your students, Fiddy.
PROF. ALBATROSS
I pity their grades and grammar. Is that another scar?
THE LOCHLAN (amused)
I thought you seldom recognized my scars.
PROF. ALBATROSS
What zingers, Lochy-lan! Cast away that harpoon and replace it with your words, that’ll get you corpses upon corpses upon corpses.
THE LOCHLAN
Might you have a taste of my rubbery lumps?
PROF. ALBATROSS
I seldom care for street food, or innuendos.
THE LOCHLAN (sneering)
I’d rather fuck a fish than you.
PROF. ALBATROSS
What a record from the Leviathan! Perhaps, say that again: I must write it down in a newspaper to send you off to the Tomb-Colonies. You’d fit right in, scars, bandages, bloody and all.
THE LOCHLAN (delightedly amused)
So would you.
THE MISSIONARY (inserting herself in when the conversation lulls)
Professor Albatross, was it? You were some of the donations to the Expedition!
PROF. ALBATROSS
Oh, you. I mistook you for a wallflower.
THE MISSIONARY
What I aim to be, occasionally.
PROF. ALBATROSS
Yes, yes, the boring type, I see.
(to THE LOCHLAN)
Spies are horrid little beasts, and you’ve taken it upon yourself to choose this one?
(to THE MISSIONARY)
I detest that gaping fish look upon your face, be rid of it at once! Spies are one of two things: secretive; stupid, and you could quite very well be both.
PROF. ALBATROSS nods.
PROF. ALBATROSS (about to laugh)
Oh, yes, both indeed.
THE MISSIONARY (taken aback)
I—
She looks towards THE LOCHLAN for help, but THE LOCHLAN has turned away, hair covering her face.
THE MISSIONARY
I must remind you, Professor, if that even is a title bestowed upon you—
PROF. ALBATROSS (bored)
It quite well is.
THE MISSIONARY
—it was I and Miss Lochlan—
THE LOCHLAN (restraining laughter)
Just Lochlan.
THE MISSIONARY
—that… that found what we were looking for.
PROF. ALBATROSS
Did you forget the name?
THE MISSIONARY
Excuse me?
PROF. ALBATROSS
I did not excuse you. Did you forget the name of the cave? Nadir! Nadir! Nadir!
THE MISSIONARY (aghast)
Keep your voice down! That information—it is wealth—gold, and you waste such knowledge by shouting it so!
PROF. ALBATROSS
Annie, does it look like I have gold in my mouth?
THE LOCHLAN
Open it and I’ll check.
PROF. ALBATROSS
I seldom like the taste of your dirty disgusting little fingers; I shan’t have a second.
THE LOCHLAN
What a pity.
THE MISSIONARY (frustrated)
I appreciate your beneficiary. We could not have done the expedition—to the Cave of Nadir—without your wealth. I thank you for that, Professor.
PROF. ALBATROSS
You forgot to add an: and yet, because I can hear it in your voice. Minus five.
THE LOCHLAN
Don’t be so cruel, Fiddy.
PROF. ALBATROSS
Strange, I seem to have heard the wind. In the Neath! Horrifying, isn’t it… thing. Wife. Girlie? Spy.
THE MISSIONARY (angry)
I have a name. I will not give you the privilege of speaking it so, for how I have been treated in this conversation. Do you think I shall—allow myself to be run over by you?
(to THE LOCHLAN)
And you! Have you no backbone? Are you not a Monster-Hunter? I—Lord, up above—and yet you are cowed so by this woman?
Her voice turns frayed, a little sad and sorrowful, a way to garner sympathy.
THE MISSIONARY
Did you not come to find me?
THE LOCHLAN’s hair falls in front of her face. There is a glimpse of her scarred mouth. She leans towards the Missionary—and a stifled laugh breaks out of her mouth. She can’t stop herself from laughing. A peligin eye creased in laughter, hand over her face, and THE LOCHLAN curls over in laughter.
PROF. ALBATROSS (annoyed)
Are you paying Annie, here? I think you should deduct it. Woe to I, Fidelia!
THE LOCHLAN (still laughing)
Seven minutes. Not even you’re good enough. Pay up!
PROF. ALBATROSS
(Incomprehensible noises.)
THE MISSIONARY is deeply confused.
THE MISSIONARY
I… what? Would any of you explain?
PROF. ALBATROSS
Next time, I’ll mention the rather torrid incestuous allegations between you and that husband of yours, madam. Do tell, would that manage to rile you up? Would that manage to getcha-getcha-getcha goooood?
THE MISSIONARY is taken aback. She cannot speak. PROF. ALBATROSS has a face that is struggling to hold back laughter.
THE LOCHLAN (laughing)
Fiddy—Fiddy—ah, you bitch! You’re far too cruel! Don’t worry, madam, I’ll defend your honor. A Monster-Hunter’s privilege.
PROF. ALBATROSS breaks out into ugly, loud laughter, and so does THE LOCHLAN. THE MISSIONARY is left standing between them as PROF. ALBATROSS starts coughing out of how hard she’s laughing; THE LOCHLAN begins to wheeze—and curls her head into PROF. ALBATROSS’ shoulder. PROF. ALBATROSS shoves THE LOCHLAN away, but THE LOCHLAN shoves her back harder.
THE MISSIONARY (distantly)
I think I must excuse myself to—pardon myself—outside. Fresh air.
PROF. ALBATROSS and THE LOCHLAN do not hear hear, or if they do, they simply do not care. THE LOCHLAN stops laughing first.
ANNWYN (sweetly)
Fiddy, you’re too mean.
FIDELIA
Prop up a mirror—you are mean. What a terrible loyal dog you are, standing around whilst your owner gets bitten and bitten!
ANNWYN
Not if the dog has bet fifty bottles of Willow Absinthe on how fast you can get her to blow.
FIDELIA (annoyed)
My assassination plans have been foiled, no longer I can slip that strangler into the Dean’s bottle. Oh, I’m teary-eyed, Annie!
ANNWYN
Hell would shift three spaces left if you became Dean.
FIDELIA
Hell can go shove itself up its bee-stung asshole.
ANNWYN
You like your students too much for Deanery.
FIDELIA
I would give an arm and a leg to not see any of their pages, riddled with inane little mistakes.
ANNWYN
Shall I bisect you?
FIDELIA
Let us wander off into that mirror you have propped up, and try it in Parabola.
ANNWYN
Truly a shame; I wanted to see how bad the Boatman would feel for you.
FIDELIA
I do enjoy how this implies I have slit your throat in one last act of violence before I am bisected. Let us make it a competition: which one of us pushes the other out of the boat first?
ANNWYN
Hand in hand to the Far Shore!
FIDELIA (disgusted)
Ew, absolutely not. Go away now and console your madame, I have things to do that seldom involve distraught little girls like you.
ANNWYN (annoyed, and yet amused)
Of course.
FIDELIA
Trip, fall on a nail, and die.
ANNWYN
I want my wine by Thursday.
FIDELIA
Mother-fucking bitch!
ANNWYN
Fiddy, I had a pleasant chat with your mother in the Nadir, nothing so crude as that.
FIDELIA gives ANNWYN a particularly rude gesture, and ANNWYN blows a kiss. They both leave, on opposite sides.
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fidelia is just a genuinely weird ass person to be around. shes loves to play cricket and eat not-cucumber sandwiches, she is pretty much always open to help her students ("if you need help, you should probably go to professor albatross. she'll rib you a bit, but in the end who else are you going to ask?"), is genuinely a good teacher both on the correspondence and she honestly seems to me like that one professor who has multiple subjects they teach for some random ass reason. shes the random elective professor.
she also says that if her students manage to prank her successfully she'll give them ten bonus points on their next exam (has not happened yet), annoyingly presents her own plays in class and treats it like she's not the author ("so in this scene, what do you think the author--not YOU i must admit, but we have no idea what the scriptwriter could CLEAAAARLLYYY be discussing--is implying with the (squints) Purpul Curtains. anyone have any suggestions? i will not answer any questions about the author."), is by far the most chatty and yet silent person whenever the staff convenes for a meeting or at dinner because she keeps on bothering the provost or engaging in mildly flammable discussions with the department of the ____
she is also: a bitch! i can't explain the difference between how marlowe's meaness and fiddy's meanness is different: its like being owned with fancy words vs fidelia going "i've never met a more boring person than you," completely sincerely. when she speaks there's alway this tone of superiority, of her head raised slightly too-high like she knows something that you don't--a manic glint in her eye whenever she begins to dig deep into a case--and you can fucking tell when she is utterly lying as she compliments someone. they sent her ass to the tomb colonies because she is strange. because she sees people and she sees cardboard cut-outs.
she sees wisps of memories gone in a second, because why should fiddy care about them if they truly have nothing of value to her? its why she cares about her students: if she can teach them to live up to their potential, they're useful (to her), to others, and themselves! they'll be able to prop themself up if they get stuck in a terrible situation (lets say, forgetting everything about themselves and stumbling into a man's home....?) and some part of fidelia is proud of seeing them grow into herself: no matter what, if she forgets, they won't.
its why...she is more closely tied to annwyn than she'd like to admit. i think when jackwyn came around fidelia was the one who answered the door, and then got stabbed. but she didnt die. she fell to the floor as her glasses clattered to the side, the violant lenses facing her--how unlucky did she have to be? how unlucky?--as jackwyn brought her students before her. ("why doesn't the professor see? take a good look ^^!") as jackwyn permanently killed them.
fiddy loved jocelin because he was like her. he was a liar who deceived a defenseless woman that she was his wife. and even though he felt terribly guilty and tried not to speak to her, he still did not tell her during their time together until she found out. and the stray looks, the whispers from the servants, the snide glances--that truly, truly fucking hurt. but it was a mystery, too, one for fidelia (myosotis.) to solve in the end. he was her mystery. and for annwyn who knelt beside her as fidelia choked on her own blood, showing the head of her student, grinning, it was the same exact thing so long ago: you're my mystery.
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okay wait fidelia's flondon nemesis experience is several years behind marlowe and annie. she has an eyeless skull because her luck is fucking insane i guess. what if (point) that eyeless skull had a sort of like Thing where one of the eyes was closed but the other eye was not entirely closed yet . fiddy the cave is foreshadowing you meeting annwyn and replacing her eye with your own irrigo one GO INTO THE DIVORCE CAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
