#and lame

I wanted to finish the mini comic I made for sleepy Twi and Anya. But the truth is I took on more work and now I'm working near seven days a week. On top of doctor stuff. I'm constantly wishing I had more time and more energy.

I'm fully aware my issues are self inflicted but I'm addicted to suffering, perhaps. haha.

I have an MRI next week because the doctors want to see if I do in fact have a brain. They will be disappointed because I exist via a centralised collection of nerve tissue.

Naturally, I am a little worried. (I don't want them to realise I'm not human).

My health issues have made me wonder if I should try and enjoy life a bit more.

People say to me I work too much. My close friend just said to me he's worried. Which isn't nice to hear. But my work is in the creative field so mentally it doesn't always feel like work. (And other people have it harder and nastier). Maybe I'm just method acting to write Twilight better? Though, he lives on two hours sleep and still functions.

I don't think I'm fully functioning.

I started work late at 9AM today, I finished at 9 PM, picked my friend up from his job and walked my dogs, did some more work and just found bed at 00:16AM. I usually try and write for Scission before sleep but today I don't have the energy to do it. (So yapped this whole post instead because I'm also a hypocrite?).

I want to draw more for the things I love. But I also want to write. I also am terrified of not having enough to take care of myself, my pets or my friends when they are in a crisis. I saw and lived through that and don't want to live it again as an adult. So I can't say no to work. So I don't have time or energy to write and draw. Circle of panik.

But damn. As I feel more pain and tiredness I wish more and more for the world to be kinder and more peaceful. Just the cynic inside me knows this is what it is. And it will get harder and steeper and crueler. Kind of: if you slip in the mud you'll get stuck. It gets pretty thick in places if you're not careful. And people only hold a hand out for so long, you know?

All of us, I think we're playing on hard mode. Let's be nice to eachother.

What am I trying to say?

I'm aiming to knuckle down tomorrow. I'm not going to stop until all my work is complete so Saturday I can do my usual weekend tidy and finish some art for me (and for you guys too).

I'm never really bothered about myself. I don't mean that in a weird, blah blah. I mean it in I have very little interest in chasing personal pleasure. The thing that made me that kind of settled happy is gone. Dead. So I'm not a happy person naturally. It's not grief anymore, it's grim acceptance. I know my insides are gross.

But I do get very excited to see others having a good time and enjoying things.

Isn't it just awesome seeing people laugh or relax?

I get excited if I made someone happy too. I think this dreadfully long fic made me feel a bit of colour. When people comment and say they had a good time, I feel pleased. I feel less like I'm taking up space lol (I don't mean that in a sad way, I am actually taking up space if you think about it realistically).

Alright I'm done 👍🏻

All is good 👍🏻

I am actually fine. I'm in a strangely good mood. I'm just that kind of tired where you're thinking a lot. And as a philosophical yapper, I have to yap. And so I yapped.

And for some reason, you stuck around and read it all. Thank you.

Thank you for hearing me. I hope you have a wonderful day or night. I'd like to wake up and read how your day went.

I am okay. We'll be okay. If not today then one day. Omg. it's 1AM.