#anarcia

Anetra's friends made jokes that she always had a resting bitch face.

The funny part was that she couldn't make herself smile most days.

Outside of Marcia, nobody knew how bad her depressive episodes got. Her friends didn't see her staring at the ceiling fan all day. Her family didn't know how Marcia gave her sponge baths when Anetra couldn't get out of her pajamas.

Marcia was the reason she wasn't dead yet. Her partner was the one keeping them both afloat when Anetra's mental health went bad.

The guilt ate her alive, too.

Masterchef was playing on the bedroom TV. It was the season the blind chef won.

Anetra scoffed at herself. Someone who can't even see, won a national TV competition and now owns a restaurant. She, an able-bodied person, can't be bothered to get out of bed. Anetra was pathetic in comparison.

"Sweetie, I'm home," she heard Marcia say from the front door. "Sasha thinks you have the flu, so she made us some chicken alfredo."

The flu would be a breeze compared to this.

After setting down her purse and taking off her kitten heels, Marcia found her partner in the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, stroking the other woman's hair.

"How was today?" Marcia asked her gently.

Anetra knew what she had to say. She couldn't be like this anymore. She needed help, and Marcia could only help her so much before it broke them both.

"I think I need to go to the hospital," Anetra said above a whisper. She continued to stare at the television. "I can't make you take care of me anymore."

"Yeah?" Marcia asked, seeming to understand. This wasn't the first time this has happened. She knew what to do. "Do you want to go to the same place as last time?"

Anetra nodded. The hospital she stayed at was nice. The nurses were kind, and the therapist gave her good grounding techniques. The doctor was still unsure of her diagnosis, so maybe going back would help her get medication that actually worked.

"I'll get you a bag ready," Marcia told her, before kissing her temple.

About an hour later, they were in the car, in the parking lot of the Emergency Room. Marcia bought her McDonald's, since she would likely have to wait for hours.

Eating the last of her French fries, Anetra felt a hand over her own.

“I could see the worst parts of you and still think you are the most beautiful person I've met."

Anetra didn't believe her. Not now, anyway.

Marcia jolted upright, like a spark of electricity shot through her body. Her face was frozen in horrified realization as the fog of denial dissipated and left her with the reality of her situation. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and texted Anetra, trying to sound as casual as possible when requesting to see her. “I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her.”

She got up to sit beside her on the edge of her bed, giving her leg a sympathetic squeeze. “I know this is daunting; it’s important that you don’t overthink it.”

“Let’s be a little more realistic here.”

Luxx laughed softly and shook her head. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Marsh. When you talk from the heart, people listen. I can’t guarantee any results, but you’ll be out of limbo, and that’s what matters.”

—

Marcia glanced at her phone when she reached Anetra’s apartment, double-checking that she could let herself in before doing so. “Hey, listen, I–” She stopped in her tracks when she noticed how tired she looked, her brows pinched and gaze narrow, but too devoid of energy to do anything about it. It was a vulnerable state that she had never been allowed to see before, and it’d thrown her off completely. “Are you okay?” She asked and sat beside her on the couch.

“Ugh, yeah, I just think I gotta ghost this girl. She’s not over her ex, constantly crying about her. Like, I get it, breakups suck, but bursting into tears while I’m looking for the strap is kind of a lot,” Anetra made a show of rolling her eyes as she explained and got her vape from her pocket to take a hit, then offered it out as she exhaled.

Marcia took a hit after the sudden urge to take the edge off overwhelmed her. “It does sound like a lot to deal with.”

Anetra was about to agree when her brows furrowed. There was something… off in Marcia’s tone, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. But it had her stomach in a knot and led her to move closer and put an arm around her. “‘Least I got you now, right?”

Marcia forced her jaw to unclench and took a deep breath. There was a fine line between being forceful enough to command her attention and putting her on the defensive, where she would shut down completely, shredding any hope of a productive conversation. “And are you gonna tell her the same thing if you do see her again? Or the next girl you have fill my place for the night? And it is my place, Anetra. You know it as much as I do.”

Tension seeped into the air as Anetra was stunned into silence. Her mouth opened and closed, but any words she attempted to form died in her throat. “I… I don’t know how you want me to answer that.”

“How about honestly, for once?”

Her jaw set as her stomach clenched. “It’s not that I don’t want you like that, it’s just that I’m–”

“Scared?” Marcia didn’t give her a chance to answer before continuing. “Look, I know you have your own demons that you’re hiding from, but you can’t keep running because you’re scared. And that’s what you are, Anetra. You know there’s something real and deep between us, that I’m the only one that’s actually there for you when you need it.”

Each word pierced Anetra like a dagger to the heart, leaving her with the wind knocked from her sails. It took a moment before she could look Marcia in the eyes; her expression was wounded, pleading, more powerful than the depths of her denial. “You’re right, and I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Now, it was Marcia’s turn to be stopped dead in her tracks. She expected more pushback, more fight. Where was the headstrong, stubborn Anetra that she usually faced? It felt like a trap, and she was waiting for the ‘but’ that would normally follow. She was still hesitant, not wanting to get her hopes up, but asked, “You are?”

The heartbreak she read on Anetra’s face when she responded with shock almost had her apologizing and backtracking. But she knew this was necessary; it forced her to stand in the spotlight of shame that was her behavior. She had been so preoccupied protecting her own feelings that she’d let Marcia’s be a casualty.

And with any other girl, it wouldn’t have bothered her so much, but she simply couldn’t bear to see Marcia this forlorn. “I am. And I don’t expect you to just forgive and forget… But I think that was the wake-up call I needed. Because you’re right, I’m scared. The way I feel about you is terrifying, like, it does scare me shitless. But god damnit, I’m tired of being a fucking coward.”

Marcia’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. After months, she was finally hearing everything she’d dreamed of, and it almost felt too good to be true. “I can’t ask you to change overnight, I just need you to promise you’ll try.”

“I do. I promise.” She started towards her to pull her into a hug, but paused, instead studying her body language to make sure it was okay, then pulled her into a tight embrace and pressed kisses across the crown of her head.

For the next two weeks, Marcia found herself texting Lotus every waking moment. During breaks, during dinner, any free time she had was spent laughing at her jokes or smiling at a picture she sent. She got to find out she loved ducks (through the several pictures she sent of the ones at the nearby park- Marcia didn't mind though) to her favorite song (Boss Bitch by Doja Cat, a song Marcia had found herself listening to nonstop lately). If she was lucky, Lotus would even call her after her patrol, and the two would talk for hours. They mostly talked about their day and the investigation, but sometimes Marcia would slip in a story about her growing up, or Lotus would tell her a story about Sasha. The two had grown much closer in the past two weeks, getting along like a house on fire.

Even now, she was sitting on the couch texting Lotus. She giggled at a text the other girl had sent before she was drawn out of her thoughts by someone nudging her leg. "I need to sit down too, you know." Luxx rolled her eyes as she sat down, handing Marcia her food. "Put your phone down and eat, you've been glued to that thing lately. It's your one day off and you've ignored me the whole morning!"

Marcia takes the food from her, "I'm sorry! It's just so...exciting! We've pretty much gone from talking a few times a month to every day, it's hard not to be so engrossed."

"Aww, she's down bad." Luxx teased her.

"No, I'm not down bad. I'm a lover."

"Marsh, that's the same thing."

"It's totally not! Well...maybe a little. Whatever..." She flushed in embarrassment, rolling her eyes. Luxx chuckled at her,  "Isn't that sweet, you know I haven't seen you this excited over a girl since that one in college...what was her name again?" Marcia cringed at the memory, she had to admit she may have the tendency to fall for people quite easily, but Lotus wasn't the same.

"That's not the same thing. Lotus is different."

Luxx raised her eyebrow, so she continued, "She shows genuine interest in me. She cares about my theatre stuff and how my day is. She texts me pictures of cute dogs she sees because she knows I'll love them. She's...thoughtful. Also, she didn't forget my name after one date, so she's already leagues ahead of Caitlin."

Luxx laughed, "Oh my god, I forgot about that! What did she call you again? Maria?"

"Miriam. She said she knew it was some old lady's name."

"Oh my god, she was awful. I'm so glad that lasted like, two weeks."

"You and me both. Anyways, what were you thinking of doing?"

"Well, since we're all getting together after your show tomorrow, I figured we could just lie low today. We could go to that coffee shop you like and people-watch."

Marcia was sold. "You know me so well, Luxx."

"Of course I do. We've been friends for like 10 years, it'd be sad if I didn't. Now let's go, I want to get a good spot before it gets busy."

-

They arrived at the small shop, setting their items down on the counter facing the biggest window. Marcia took a seat, taking out her drawing supplies as Luxx went to grab their drinks. It had been a while since they had been able to do this- they used to do it all the time in college, watching the people pass by and wonder about their lives while they worked on essays or assignments. They would wonder about their own lives, and what the future would be like. Marcia likes to think her younger self would be proud of where she is now. It makes her smile.

"One tea with honey for you...and an espresso for me!" Luxx hums as she sits the drinks down, sliding onto the seat beside Marcia. She brings out her own drawing materials, peering out the window.

"I missed this. Feels like it's been forever since we've done this."

"I know, it feels like we barely have time anymore. I guess that's what it means to be an adult."

Luxx nodded, her pencil sketching across the page. "Such is capitalism. Ugh, I'm so antsy to get this collection done. We're almost ready to go into production, so my stress is mostly over."

"Oh, I'm excited to see the collection! You're taking me to see the show, right?"

"Who else is going to be my plus one?" She laughs, taking a sip of her drink. "Oh yeah, that's good. Fuck, I've missed good coffee. The office coffee is so shitty, Marsh. Oh my god, it's horrible."

Marcia smiled, opening her own sketchbook as she began sketching some of the people outside. "For a luxury brand, you would think they could afford a better coffee machine." She laughed, scribbling in a woman's dark coat. "Maybe they'll get you a new one for Christmas."

Luxx rolled her eyes, "Please, don't give me hope. Irene keeps saying she's going to fix it and improve it herself but we've been so swamped she hasn't had time yet." She looked up for her next target before selecting a man with a dog. "Look at that dog- isn't it cute? Ugh, I wish I was better at animals. It looks like a rat."

Marcia leaned over to look at the sketch, rolling her eyes. "It looks great, you're being dramatic. That is a cute dog though, what a baby." She cooed, snapping a picture of it before she sent it to Lotus. "How is the collection going anyway? Weren't you guys almost done like, a month ago?"

"Well, we were going through final revisions, but they decided to scrap some of the looks so we had to come up with some new ones. I'm hoping this will be the final round though. I've got some of the early concepts for designs in here though." She answers, flipping through her sketchbook to show Marcia some of the designs. 

She always admired the other girls' aesthetic, Luxx's usual grungy and dark designs had seemed to translate perfectly to spring fashion. Desaturated colors and skirts with purposeful rips and tears turned a skirt into the shape of a flower, an impressive feat. Marcia had seen Luxx make gorgeous designs that weren't her aesthetic, but these ones were special. She always loved it when Luxx could show her passion through her designs.

"Dark forest...what a theme, right?" She softly chuckles, flipping back to the sketch she was working on. "I like it though. I think it'll be our best collection yet."

Marcia proudly smiles, returning to her own sketch of some scenery. They sketched in comfortable silence for some time, Marcia having stopped sketching the people outside and started sketching Lotus. She didn't mean to, it was just sort of a habit at this point.

"That's really good, is that Lotus?" Luxx asks, leaning over. Marcia nods, her face tinged red. "Is she coming to your performance tomorrow?"

"No, but she's coming for my first night as Elle. I'm really excited, I hope she'll like my performance- I've been working so hard on it. God, I hope it goes well, what if I choke?"

"You won't choke. You were like, born for this. You're gonna kill it."

Marcia smiles at her, "Thanks, Luxx."

-

Luxx volunteered for dinner duty that night, allowing Marcia a moment to herself. To debrief, to prepare herself for tomorrow. She felt the nerves creeping up, like they did for every show she had done. She had to remind herself that it was going to go well, that she was going to do well. She focused on the warm water of the shower that was beginning to turn cold- maybe she had been in there longer than she thought.

She stepped out of the shower, wrapping her hair in a soft pink towel before beginning to dry herself off. It was nice, and for a moment she felt calm as she blow-dried her hair, the muffled music of Ariana Grande playing in the background. 7 rings was interrupted by the ringing of her phone, Marcia clicked off the hair dryer as she answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, doll." Lotus' voice came from the other end. "Are you able to talk?"

Marcia hummed, "For a little bit- Luxx will kill me if I miss dinner." She wrapped her soft pink robe around her as she left the bathroom and entered her bedroom across the hall. "I thought you're usually on patrol around this time of day?"

"I am, but it's always a slow start. Thought I'd talk to you until I get a call."

She softly smiled, "Well, I won't complain about that. How's your day been?"

"Pretty standard. I'm hanging out with my coworker soon, but other than that nothing of note. But enough about me- you're gonna be on Broadway tomorrow! How are you feeling?"

"Nervous. Excited. I can't tell- I think it's both." She chuckled, "I know I'll probably do well, but it's just those pre-show nerves, you know?"

"Nah, I know you're gonna crush it."

"But how do you know? What if I...I don't know, trip and break my arm or something."

"I think you'd still perform, even if you had to be in a cast. Don't worry. Besides, isn't the saying break a leg?"

Marcia softly sighed, a smile creeping onto her face as she rummaged through her dresser for her pajamas. "Yeah, it is...and you're probably right. I'm way too excited about this. I just can't believe it's finally happening!"

She heard a faint buzzing on the other line, vaguely recognizing it as the sound of a call.

"Do you have to go?"

Lotus sighed, "Yeah. I do. I'm sorry. Hey- break a leg tomorrow. You're gonna kill it."

Marcia smiled. "Thanks, I will."

She heard Lotus laugh, she could practically see the other girls smile in her head.

"Atta girl."

-

The next morning was a blur. She remembered waking up to a 'break a leg ;)' text from Lotus and eating breakfast with Luxx, but time seemed to fly by after that. Her usual subway ride seemed to take five minutes, and their rehearsal that morning felt like it had happened in a second.

Now, she was in the dressing room with her castmates, all giddy and excited for the show. She applied the last of her blush and made sure her costume was perfect, waiting in the wings with the rest of the ensemble for the first number to start. Many were excitedly whispering to each other, the air in the theatre felt electric.

"Who's here for you tonight, Marcia?" One of her castmates and friends, Plasma, asked her.

"My friends and one of my cousins- we're going out afterward. What about you?"

"Some of my friends- and my mom, she flew in from Texas to be here. I can't believe it's opening night!" She excitedly shook Marcia's arm, causing her to smile.

"I know. Oh! There's the house lights, we're going!" She excitedly whispered, taking her place in preparation. She felt the anxiety returning to her chest, taking a deep breath as the curtains drew open.

They began their first number, which went as perfectly as it could. Marcia hit all the right steps, all the right notes, and stayed in character the entire time. She felt the anxiety in her chest dissipate after the first number, it turning into a feeling of joy. She felt good going into the second number, which turned into feeling great for the entire first act. During intermission, she and Plasma celebrated their success, which meant excitedly talking about the show while they made costume and makeup adjustments for the second act.

The second act also went spectacularly. She could tell the entire cast was bringing their all, and the audience could too. Every time the audience laughed or cheered her drive became stronger, causing her to perform even better. By the time curtain call came, she was exhausted- but proud. As she bowed with the rest of the ensemble, she could hear Luxx's cheers above the rest. She couldn't see her group because of the house lights, but that was enough to put a smile on her face. 

She's able to get out of her costume and makeup fairly quickly, only delayed by her and Plasma geeking out about the show- releasing the remainder of the energy they had for the night. Eventually, she gathered her things and left, signing some things for a few fans at the stage door before spotting her friends.

"MARSHALL!" Luxx squealed, tightly hugging the other girl. Marcia giggled as her friends swarmed her, excitement filling the air. Jan raved on and on about her vocals and dance moves, her cousin was a fellow theatre nerd and they often spent their childhood watching different musicals (and poorly reenacting them). Robin, although less experienced in the theatre world, complimented her performance and gave her a bouquet- which Amethyst almost crushed as she pulled the group in to take a photo.

Marcia feels elated as the group returns to her apartment, giving her time to change into a sparkly mini-dress. She quickly shot a text to Lotus before coming back out, rejoining the girls who had also changed. They took a quick shot of some tequila they had lying around the house before heading to the nearest gay bar.

-

"My girlfriend said she and her friend are a few minutes away," Robin yelled above the noise, trying to keep Amethyst from getting swallowed up by the crowd. "I'm making them get us drinks- what does everyone want?"

The girls shouted out their various drink orders to Robin, drowned out by the club's music. The lights strobed and Marcia could feel her body vibrating from the bass. She danced with Luxx and Amethyst, letting herself go and focusing on having fun- she deserved it, after all. She felt her legs growing sore, but it didn't bother her. She would regret it in the morning, however it wasn't anything she couldn't deal with.

They only stopped dancing when Robin squealed, throwing herself into the arms of a girl who had just walked up. "That's Aura," Amethyst shouted so they could hear, the other girls nodding along. "Who's that beside her?" Marcia asked, referring to the girl who had appeared beside Aura.

She was wearing a short red dress and a leather jacket, and her long light-colored hair was straight and worn down, with some bobby pins to keep her bangs back. She looked like she had some darker streaks in her hair, but she couldn't be too sure with the blaring club lights. From what Marcia could see, she had a pretty athletic build and a scar over her left eye. She felt like she knew the girl, but she couldn't place her finger on why.

"I guess her friend," Amethyst whispered in her ear, "She's hot, right? Is she glaring at us though?" Marcia turned her attention back to the other woman, Amethyst was right- she did seem to be glaring, but she couldn't even clearly see the girl because of the flashing lights.

"Can't tell."

Aura and Robin finally broke apart, allowing Aura to shift her attention to the other girl.

"Oh! This is one of my friends, Anetra!" The other girl nodded her head in greeting. "She doesn't bite, she just has chronic RBF." Aura laughed, Anetra rolled her eyes and playfully elbowed her. Amethyst introduced herself first before Marcia did- she noticed the girl's eyes widen a bit before returning to normal. That was strange, did she recognize her too?

She was going to talk to her more when Aura pulled her away to go get the group's drinks, putting a pin in her plan. That was fine, she'd just talk to her when she returned. However, Anetra didn't return. Aura came back alone, balancing the drinks in her arms.

"Where'd Anetra go?" Luxx asked, taking her drink from Aura.

"She got a call while we were waiting at the bar- came back and said there was an emergency and dashed out. She seemed stressed about it."

"I hope she's okay..." Marcia worried, "Poor girl just got here."

"I'll check up on her later, she's a tough cookie so I'm sure she'll be fine."