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Julia: Aww, love, people like you make this so worthwhile!

so for the one-year anniversary of my blog i decided to make a follow forever of cool blogs! enjoy!

a-d 

ameliagillan ♥ ameliasrory ♥ amysfall ♥ amyskhaleesi ♥ beautifulclara ♥ billeipiper ♥ claraoswald-and-thedoctor ♥ claraoswiins ♥ clarasity ♥ classycastiel ♥ cutiestiels ♥ dalekicious ♥ davvidtennant ♥ doctor-depp

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echoesofoswin ♥ elevenslastwinter ♥ emmarwatson ♥ femaleactorsunite ♥ gallifreystars ♥ gayforgillian ♥ iantojones ♥ imposiblegirl ♥ itseverdeen ♥ kirk-out

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mattsmithissexy ♥ oswaldclaraoswin ♥ oswinoswut ♥ oswwinoswald ♥ perfectlytennant ♥ petercapalldii ♥ ponderingrose ♥ pondifying ♥  ponnds ♥ priorpond

q-z

Rating: R

Word count: 4,100

Something’s up with Karen, Matt’s a nervous wreck and an absolute sweetheart, and Arthur’s the helpful middle man as always.

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Starts off kinda cute but then plunges head first into the ocean of sadness. Comes back up for some air though.

Special thank you to Felicia (myamelia) and eternal love to Emma (amysfall) for helping me write this. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you :D

~story anon

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Karen grabbed the hot water bottle for her aching back and climbed into her empty bed. It had been two and a half months since Matt left to go shoot his new movie in Rio. He had just wrapped and was flying home two days early to surprise Karen. Matt was worried about his wife. Their Skype calls always ended with Karen holding her breath or throwing up. She was talking to Arthur on the phone when Matt rang the doorbell.

“Yeah Karen, but have you told him yet?”

“…No.”

“Kaaaaaren, call him up right now and tell him,” Arthur groaned, “It’s been two months for godsake.”

“He’s coming back soon anyway. Can’t I just wait?”

“You’re an idiot Kazza. Why would you tell me you’re pregnant and not him? It’s his baby. Stupid idiots, you and Ma—”

“Ah, hold on the doorbell’s ringing.”

Karen got up from the bed and walked towards the door. She didn’t bother asking who it was; she probably should have since it was past midnight. As the door swung open, Matt dropped his bags and spread his arms, beaming.

“Honey, I’m home!” Matt exclaimed. Karen smiled. She hugged him and helped him bring in his things. Still smiling, she said, “I thought you weren’t coming back for another couple days?”

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t wait to get home to my Kaz.” Matt leaned over and kissed Karen on the forehead.

“Karen, who was at the door? Hello? Is anybody there?” Arthur’s voice was barely audible from the phone.

“Oh, whoops,” said Karen, grabbing the phone from the table, “Sorry Arthur, Matt’s come home. Matt, say hi to Arthur; he just called you a stupid idiot.” Matt grabbed the phone from Karen and retaliated while she laughed. Matt handed the phone back to Karen and got up off the couch to change.

“Okay, Kazza, he’s back, will you tell him now?” Arthur was getting a bit annoyed at the Matt-and-Karen-style-idiocy.

“Umm…do I have to? What do I say? How do you think he’ll take it? Will he be mad I didn’t say anything or or or—”

“Karen, you’ll be fine. Just tell him already.”

“Ugh, okay I’ll tell him. Bye Arthur.”

“Bye Karen.” Arthur put the phone down and laughed, she was so not going to tell him.

When Matt got out of the bathroom, Karen was already in their bed. She contemplated telling him about the pregnancy, but Matt came in and lay down next to her, erasing every thought in her mind. She missed his sleepy low voice and the way his eyes lit up when he looked at her. He missed the smell of her hair and the way her nose crinkled when she laughed. The two of them talked until they fell asleep, and neither of them could have been happier; finally being together was ultimate bliss.

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Matt woke up early because of his jetlag and turned over to find Karen still sleeping. God, she was so beautiful. The early morning sun peeking into the window was just enough to make her bright orange hair glow. She really is a dream. After watching her sleep for ten minutes and slowing his breathing to match hers, Matt decided to get up and make her breakfast. He slowly got out of bed and quietly crept into the bathroom. Then he walked into the kitchen and looked for ingredients. He grabbed the flour, sugar, milk, and eggs and set them on the table. Trying to make as little noise as possible, he began to mix the batter for the pancakes.

When Karen woke up she found the bed empty beside her. She could hear Matt in the kitchen. What was he doing? After lying there for a few minutes, she decided to help him. She pushed down the covers and stood up.

Matt was just pulling the last pancake off of the pan when he heard her get out of bed. Hurry, hurry, he said to himself. She’s gonna get up and then it won’t be breakfast in bed anymore, come on! Matt rushed to get the maple syrup and the glass of juice onto the tray and walked as fast as he could to the bedroom without spilling anything.

As fast as Karen stood up, she fell to the floor. Ow! She grabbed her stomach, wincing, and sat with her head to her knees.

Humming, Matt got to the door and pushed it open carefully, still making sure nothing had spilled. He saw Karen and dropped the whole tray.

“KAREN!”

Matt ran over to her, pulled her hair out of her face, and lifted her head up. “Kaz, what’s wrong?” Karen looked up and the pain in her eyes was enough for Matt; he didn’t need an explanation. He helped her up and took her to the bathroom. She walked bending over, with one hand on her stomach, the other around Matt’s neck.

Karen leaned over the sink and her arms kept her upright as she scooted along the counter to the toilet. She sat down and pulled down her underwear. Karen gasped. Blood. Oh my god. I’m bleeding. Her hands trembled. Nope, nuh uh. This isn’t happening. She covered her mouth with her hand. No way. Karen grabbed a pad from the drawer under the sink and put it on. No no no no no no. This isn’t possible.

While Karen was in the bathroom, Matt grabbed his keys and phone. He paced around the kitchen and living room, waiting for her to come out. When she came still bent over, near tears, Matt told her he was taking her to the hospital.

Karen’s steps were delicate as she walked to the car. No, no please. This can’t be.

During the drive, Karen thought she should definitely tell him but was in too much pain for words. Eight minutes in, Matt noticed the car was dangerously low on gas. Karen was still clutching her stomach and leaning her head back on the seat. Ohhhhhh. She clenched her teeth. Pulling into the Shell, Matt patted Karen’s leg. He got out of the car and hurried round to the other side. While he was out, Karen dialed Arthur.

“Oh hey Karen,” Arthur said with a smile, “So, did you tell him?”

“Arthur,” she said, holding back tears, “Something’s happened…It hurts.” There was a long pause until Karen started talking again, “We’re at a Shell, he’s driving me to the hospital, but I didn’t say anything yet, he doesn’t know.”

“Oh Kazza…” She could hear his smile fade. Worry filled his voice. “Do you need me to tell him?”

“Could you? I…” Owwwww. Karen wanted to scream. It felt like someone was squeezing her insides and dragging them down her body. Her lower lady bits burned. Ohhh. She held her breath and bit her bottom lip.

"Okay, I’ll meet you at the hospital then,” Arthur said when Karen wouldn’t finish her sentence. He jumped up, grabbed his keys and ran to his car.

Matt watched the numbers slowly rise. Couldn’t it fill any faster? He looked in through the window and saw Karen kicking the inside of the car with her head tilted back on the headrest. Nope, this is fine, he thought as he pulled out the pump halfway and paid. He got back in the car and drove off before the door even closed. Every few seconds, he’d look over at Karen and his heart would throb. She was in so. much. pain.

“Karen, do you need anything?” Matt asked, although it was a stupid question because he couldn’t give her anything anyway. Karen looked up and shook her head. She knew he couldn’t give her anything too.

“Should I call anyone? Do you want to speak to your mum? Or Arthur or somebody?” Karen took her eyes away from her stomach, looked at Matt and said, “I called Arthur while you filled up gas; he’s driving to the hospital too.” Matt was relieved, he needed somebody to talk to probably more than Karen did. Besides, she could hardly speak.

God this hurts so much, Karen thought as she sat in the car. She’d never been in this much pain in her entire life. She closed her eyes and groaned. Ahhh, owwww. Matt looked over at her again and took one hand off the wheel to rub her back as she bent over.

"Just breathe Karen, you’ll be okay. Everything’s fine." Matt tried to believe what he was saying, but was he was panicking and almost ran a red light.

"Matt," Karen said weakly, "I’m really scared…Oh ow!" Matt didn’t know what to do, of course she was scared, he was terrified. He couldn’t do this; he was freaking out.

"It’s okay Karen, we’re okay, we’re okay, everything’s fine. Everything’s good." Matt wanted to scream from the anxiety. It was all too much.

Oh my god Matt please don’t, this isn’t helping.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this wasn’t supposed to happen. You were supposed to come home and relax and we’d watch TV and cook and sit on the couch and go buy baby stuff and decorate the room and be happy and not driving to the hospital at 80 mph. OWW! Just stop, oh my god!

When they reached the hospital, Arthur was standing outside. Matt threw him the keys and ran to the other side to open Karen’s door. As Arthur slid into the driver’s seat, he turned to Karen, “You okay?” he asked quietly. She nodded, and then turned to face him. She was not okay. She looked like she was going to cry. Her door swung open and Matt held out his hand. She took it and stepped out.

Arthur drove the car into the underground parking lot and parked it right next to his. Then he took the elevator up and called Matt’s cell.

Matt and Karen were making their way to the ER when Matt’s phone rang. He let go of Karen’s waist, took her arm off from around his neck, and picked up the phone. No Matt. Please. Don’t let go.

“Hey, what floor are you on?”

“Umm, uh first floor at the end of the hall. Second left.”

“Okay, I’m coming up the lift, how is she?”

“Same, she’s still- oh I see you, come on!” Arthur hung up and ran over to help Matt. With Karen between them, they walked over to the counter. The lady pointed them to a room down the hall. As they approached the door, Karen started to feel nauseous. She went straight for the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. A nurse came in to check on her and Arthur left the room for a bit. He had to tell Matt now. He walked back in, grabbed Matt’s arm and pulled him away from Karen.

“Hey! Arthur, no! Hey what are you doing?” Arthur shushed him and closed the door. He hesitated and stumbled for the right words. Then he just quietly said, “Uh, Matt. She’s uh, she’s pregnant. About 11 weeks now.” Matt couldn’t breathe. Ordinarily he would have been overjoyed and ecstatic, but they were standing in a hospital because Karen had stomach pain. Oh. Oh no, please oh god no.

“Do you think she’s…no, no, she’s fine, right?” Matt was hyperventilating. Arthur’s eyebrows furrowed and he frowned, I don’t know. He opened the door for Matt to go back inside.

Karen hated throwing up. The morning sickness was terrible; sitting there all by herself with no one to hold her hair or rub her back or hand her the toothbrush and get her a glass of water when she was done. But this was worse because the pain wasn’t going away either. A nurse walked in and asked her what she was feeling. Then Karen got up from the bathroom floor and made her way over to the bed. Jesus Christ! Owww. Make it stopppp. After lying there for a few minutes, a doctor came in and started asking her how long it had been, if she’d noticed anything, how she was feeling, generally doctor questions. But it probably took longer than it should have because Karen had to stop talking every ten seconds to regroup from the pain. Then the doctor said the exact words Karen didn’t want to hear. No. She burst into the tears she was trying so long to hold. My baby. Our baby.

And then the nausea was back and she was by the toilet again.

When Matt walked in Karen was still in the bathroom but this time sitting on the floor just like he’d seen her in the morning. Her head was on the ground by her knees and she was rocking back and forth. Please please please. Ohhhh please help me. Pleeeease. She could feel the room burning. Sweat dripped down the edge of her face and her body was scorching like the inside of an oven. Karen gave up on the pads and decided to just bleed on the floor. Her legs were stained with red. She could see the blood flowing out of her. Her mouth lay open and she bit down on her clenched hand. There was a banging in her head and she suddenly felt very dizzy. Karen couldn’t breathe. So much blood, there’s so much blood. She looked up and saw Matt's shoes in front of her.

“…Matt,” she managed to force out, “…help.” She was bleeding and crying and shaking and sweating and Matt couldn’t bear it. He grabbed her and helped her up. Wiping her eyes, he said, “Kaz, are you…do you think it’s a…” Matt couldn’t finish that sentence. “Kaz, are you alright?” She shook her head no this time. He gulped and tried to suppress his tears for her.

As the hour progressed, Karen’s pain got worse, and Matt’s sweaty hand was squeezed so hard it should’ve fallen off. They were standing in the hospital room because Karen didn’t want to lie down. She wanted to lean on Matt, so he held her tight. Blood dripped on the floor and a puddle of tears was forming quickly.

Oh! Karen gasped and put her hands between her legs.

“Karen,” the doctor said, “You have to let your body push, you can’t stop it.” Karen shook her head.

“No. No, I don’t want to. I don’t want to.” Matt looked at Karen with his widest puppy dog eyes.

“Kaz. You have to. Please.”

Matt could feel Karen’s heart beating and see the beads of sweat dripping down her face. He pressed her hips with both hands and pushed his forehead against hers.

"It’s okay Karen, it’s okay. It’ll be over soon, shhh. You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay…"

Arthur knocked on the door to check how things were and pushed it open slowly. He could see Matt’s back and Karen with her head on his shoulder. As he entered, Karen looked up. Arthur nodded to her, yes I told Matt. And then Karen nodded to him, yes, miscarriage. Arthur couldn’t look anymore. The ground was much more interesting. Until he saw the blood. He left the room.

Karen was screaming and crying and blood came rushing out of her. Kill me now! This is hell! Tears poured down her face. She gripped her stomach and her mouth fell open.

"OWWW! MATT MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE. Please make it stop, please Matt. Ow. OWWW!"

And then it was over. Karen was breathing hard and fast. She turned around and saw her sac on the floor. She immediately started shaking and went weak in the knees. Her vision blurred, and all colors seemed to fade. Bad idea, bad idea, close your eyes. Matt’s grasp tightened as she fell and he took her back to the bed. People came in and cleaned the floor. Matt walked over to the door where Arthur was standing right outside. Arthur turned as it opened and gave Matt a hug. No words were spoken.

Karen’s eyes were still closed and she only opened them when she heard the people cleaning the floor leave. The smell of disinfectant filled the air. She slowly got up and walked to Matt at the door. He turned to her and she instantly broke down into tears. So did he. He grabbed her and pulled her close, with one hand around her back and the other on her head. They cried and cried and cried.

Karen wanted to die. She cried for the pain and for the baby and for not telling Matt and for making him worry and for making Arthur worry and for Matt being away for so long and for having to do everything alone just to lose it when she wasn’t alone anymore and she cried for the room she was planning and for the box of her old baby clothes in the closet and for everything she’d caused and all the things that she couldn’t do anymore because the baby was gone. What a cruel thing life is.

Matt was overwhelmed by everything that had just occurred, but hearing Karen cry like this was the worst thing that had happened to him all day. He had to keep her strong, no more freaking out. Do it for Karen, no more anxiety Matt, no more.

Arthur bought them some water and left it in the room. Then he went home, he’d come back again later.

Matt stopped crying but Karen didn’t.

"Karen." There was no reply. He lifted her head and looked her straight in the eyes.

“Karen, hey, it’s okay, it’s not your fault.”

She choked on her tears and stopped crying. “I’m sorry Matt, I’m so sorry. I hate this, I hate myself. I’m sorry, I should’ve told you and I didn’t know this would happen and it hurt so much and it still hurts and I’m sor—” Every word she spoke sounded more and more Scottish.

"Shh…" Matt pulled her in for another hug and kissed her forehead.

“You are perfect.” How could she say she hated herself? No, never. Not in a million years.

Matt guided her back to the bed, which was actually a new bed that they had switched out, and pulled down the covers.

"Mmm, get some rest Kaz, you’ve been through a lot."

Matt knew from experience that she always felt better after sleeping. When she broke up with Patrick and was crying over the phone, Matt had come over and helped her go to sleep. And when she was super upset because she couldn’t get a scene right the entire day, Matt told her to rest in her trailer. And when she was leaving Doctor Who and wouldn’t stop crying for days, Matt brought her take-out food and made her tea and tucked her into bed. She would feel better after sleeping away the pain; she had to. At least to the point where she knew that none of this was her fault in any way. Ever. He could never blame her, how could she?

Matt sat down in a chair which he pulled right up next to Karen as she crawled into the bed. He held Karen’s hand and waited for her to fall asleep before he did anything. When he was sure she was sleeping, he got up and went to find some food. Man, he was starving. They hadn’t even gotten to eat his pancakes. As he walked around the hospital, Arthur called.

"Hey Matt, how’s she doing?"

"Well, she’s asleep right now, and she was crying that entire time before, but I think a little better? There’s no more physical pain as far as I know. So I guess that’s good."

"If the two of you need anything, let me know, okay? I left those water bottles in the room; did you drink them? You two were crying rivers."

"Yeah, I saw those, thanks. I’m going to go get some food and stuff. Do you wanna sit with Kaz? I don’t know if I should leave her alone."

"Yeah mate, I’ll be right over. Want me to bring the food?"

"Nah, it’s fine, I need to get out anyway. ‘Kay, see ya."

"Yep, bye."

Matt took the lift down and opened the door to the car. He drove out of the parking lot and looked for some food. He bought three coffees, some sandwiches, and a few scones. Then, he drove to a flower shop and bought Karen a dozen daisies. After that, he drove somewhere else and got her some of her favorite organic chocolate and then a tiny radio and a Frank Sinatra CD. When he was almost back, he decided he should’ve gotten her a card too, so he turned around and got that.

Karen woke up with a lump in her throat and a broken heart. Her stomach hurt a little, but it didn’t matter. She saw Arthur sitting in Matt’s chair.

"Hey Kazza, feeling okay?" Arthur asked. Karen nodded but her gaze was far away.

"Good. Matt’s gone out to get some food, he’ll be back soon." God bless Matt; she was starving. He walked in with all the stuff he’d bought, a teddy bear, and some balloons. He leaned over and kissed Karen as she sat up in her bed. They ate the sandwiches and drank the coffee while listening to Sinatra. Karen felt like a princess. A sad, bare, in pain, worthless princess. But, she had to admit, all the stuff the boys were doing for her did make her feel a little bit better.

That’s life (That’s life),

That’s what all the people say,

You’re riding high in April, shot down in May,

But I know I’m gonna change that tune,

When I’m back on top, back on top in June,

Karen finally smiled; she could listen to this song forever. Nothing like a little That’s Life from the one and only Frankie to make her smile, thought Matt. He and Arthur shot glances at her and then looked at each other with the same mischievous grin. They stood up on their chairs.

"I SAID THAT’S LIFE!"

"THAT’S LIFE!"

"AND AS FUNNY AS IT MAY SEEM!"

"SOME PEOPLE GET THEIR KICKS STOMPING ON A DREAM!"

"BUT I DON’T LET IT, LET IT GET ME DOWN!"

"CUZ THIS FINE OLD WORLD, IT KEEPS SPINNING AROUND!"

Karen laughed. She really, properly laughed. Nose crinkles and everything. A warm fuzzy feeling bubbled up inside Matt. Yes! My Kaz is back! Matt and Arthur jumped off the chairs and onto the floor so they could make the most ridiculous motions to go along with the song as they sang.

"I’VE BEEN A PUPPET, A PAUPER, A PIRATE, A PAWN, AND A KING!"

They flailed their arms about for the sole purpose of hearing Karen laugh more.

“I’VE BEEN UP AND DOWN AND OVER AND OUT AND I KNOW ONE THING!”

The hand motions stopped and they got more serious.

"Each time I find myself flat on my face.”

They stopped singing and stared at Karen.

I pick myself up and get back in the race.

The boys walked around to either side of the bed and kissed Karen’s cheeks.

That’s life.

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Matt and Arthur spent the rest of the afternoon and evening listening to Karen’s music, singing, and dancing, and trying to find the smile hidden in that moon face somewhere.

At some point, Arthur went out to grab some dinner and then came back to the hospital room. At around 9:30, he decided to head home. He kissed Karen on the cheek, patted Matt’s head, and left.

"Matt, can you turn off the light? I wanna try to sleep." Karen put her plate on the little table by her bed and lay down on the pillow.

Matt walked to the door, flipped the switch, and sat back down in his chair. Karen turned onto her side with her back towards Matt.

It only took a few minutes for the tears to come rolling back in. What the hell just happened?

Why? What did I do wrong? How could it be? I didn’t— I’m not— I wasn’t—

…Why?

Matt thought she had fallen asleep, but ten minutes later he could hear her crying and see her body shaking. Oh Kaz.

Slowly, he got up from his chair and climbed into the hospital bed. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered in her ear, “Everything’s gonna be just fine.” She fell asleep in Matt’s embrace. Yeah, everything will be okay.

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Thanks for reading you guys! And thank you again to Felicia and Emma! :D

Also this is the first thing I’ve ever written, so could you guys let me know what you thought of it?