#ampmod

Havelock Vetinari:

A. Although the ‘lives on bread and water’ thing is clearly rubbish, he is often running on caffeine and sugar alone. How much sugar can you dump into a ‘world’s greatest boss’ mug of coffee before it goes all gritty in the bottom? That’s a state secret, I’m afraid. Only Commander Vimes is allowed to know (because his coffee mug is in exactly the same state).

B. I’ve spoken about this one quite a bit, but: in-universe fanfiction. There’s definitely RPF about him, and he’s definitely read it. He likes to drop little hints about it when he gets interviewed by the Times, just to keep people on their toes.

C. When Wuffles died he uh… had to be helped along a little bit. Havelock didn’t want anyone to know it had happened or how upset he was, and since he had the right kind of qualifications for the job… he did it himself. At least that way he knew it was done properly and Wuffles got to be with his owner right to the end.

D. Havelock Vetinari is an absolute disaster of a human being and no amount of competence in his job can convince me otherwise. Like, sure, he’s a brilliant politician, a master of disguise, a multilingual polymath, and so on… but on the other hand, he laughs at his own terrible jokes and asks his favourite policeman to handcuff him in front of a crowd of people. Just fucking look at him. Ridiculous.

Sybil Ramkin:

A. Sybil’s first dragon was called Smokey and he was a sort of greenish-grey. He also exploded when she was twelve.

B. When people start speculating about the Patrician’s private life in her presence, Sybil likes to announce that she’s seem him naked and then wait for people to start freaking out before clarifying that she’s talking about a bathtime escapee incident when they were three. She is in no danger of scorpions at all, because she Knows Too Much.

C. Sometimes grown-up Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes, Duchess of Ankh, can’t quite believe that the chubby little dragon girl who everyone thought was a bit weird has a loving, brilliant, funny husband, a friendship with the actual Patrician, and can claim at least partial responsibility for some of her hometown’s greatest achievements. And she has a hospital named after her. It’s all very nice, but at times it doesn’t feel real, and she lies awake at night feeling like she can’t go to sleep in case she wakes up in the morning and it was all a dream.

D. That’s a woman who’s domming the absolute shit out of the two most powerful men in the city. I don’t think I need to add anything to that statement.

Young Sam:

A: Young Sam ends up being the Disc’s answer to Charles Darwin, because he’s inherited his mother’s talent for biology and his father’s ability to just keep plugging away at something until the ‘aha’ moment arrives. I make the Darwin comparison less for the evolutionary theory and more for the ‘look I’ve just spent ten years writing a book about earthworms’ weirdness, which seems very much like Young Sam’s sort of thing. Except his is probably about poo.

B. After Koom Valley, everyone knew that Commander Vimes read ‘Where’s My Cow’ to his baby son. When the 15th anniversary edition comes out, half the city starts embarrassing Young Sam by hollering at him in the street, asking him where his cow is.

C. Young Sam is known as Young Sam well into adulthood, because ‘the old Sam’ is already a name for the Watch and can’t be used for Commander Vimes without considerable confusion. When Vimes eventually passes away, it takes his son months to answer to ‘Sam’ because he still expects his dad to be the one people are talking to.