#amonet-writes

holding on.

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.” Mark Twain

“You didn’t come back last night,” Yuri says, as soon as Viktor is close enough to hear. “You promised me you would, asshole. What is it with you that you never remember your stupid promises!?”

“Yuri, it’s not that easy.” Viktor keeps his distance, not getting to close. Yuri hates it, the calm professionalism. It’s not like anybody is buying it anyway, they all remember what he was like before Katsudon showed up. “We were both very irresponsible last night and it was a bad idea. We should just forget it ever happened.”

“I’m 17, Viktor! I’m not meant to be responsible!” Yuri’s voice is loud, too loud and he can see Viktor looking around them, but the streets of St. Petersburg are mostly empty at this time of night. Viktor is so concerned that anyone will hear, and it’s ridiculous, it’s not like anybody cares and out of spite Yuri continues even louder. “And you kissed me!”

“I know I did. I shouldn’t have,” Viktor says, calm and just a bit condescending. It pisses Yuri off. Just because he’s a coach now he suddenly thinks he’s any more of an adult than he was before. Yuri wants to kick him so badly.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

"It means that I was drunk and lonely and you were very pretty. But I’m twice your age and I didn’t mean it, not really.“ It’s an excuse if Yuri ever heard one and he’s so not buying it. It’s not the truth, not the whole truth at least, and Yuri is so sick of everyone lying to him.

"Fuck you,” Yuri shouts and kicks the street light they’re under, even though it hurts his foot. It’s almost as satisfying as kicking Viktor. “Fuck you!”

“Yuri,” Viktor says softly. “I’ll still coach you. Nothing has to change.”

“That’s not what this is about, asshole. Don’t you get it?” Yuri laughs a joyless laugh. “Don’t you get it!?” He can’t keep himself from shouting again and this time Viktor recoils.

“Yurio!” His voice is full of accusation and he looks surprised of all things and of course he doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t even try!

“Don’t call me that,” Yuri chokes out. “It’s not my name and I’m not some- some second choice. I’m beautiful, you’ve said it yourself. And I’m talented and I’m smart, for fuck’s sake, so what does he have, that I don’t? Huh?” Yuri can feel tears in his eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall. “Why am I never anyone’s first choice?”

“You’re 17, Yuri,” Viktor’s voice is painfully soft. “Can’t you see that I’m way too old for you?” He chuckles quietly.

It’s a joke to him, Yuri realises. It’s all just a joke. “I adored you! I worshipped you! And this is what I get?”

“What do you want then? Huh, Yura? What is it that you want?” Viktor’s voice is low and dangerous as he steps closer and Yuri can feel himself lean in, against his will. His body acts on its own and Viktor is so close now, his breath on Yuri’s ear and his smell in Yuri’s nose. It’s intoxicating.

“I-,” Yuri starts, but his head feels empty suddenly.

“Do you want me to kiss you again? To hold you, like you are the most precious thing in the world? To buy you flowers? Or do you want me to fuck you against the wall? Hard and fast? Make you bounce off my cock? You weigh nothing, I could just hold you up with one hand and with the other…” Victors hand suddenly squeezes Yuri’s butt.

“Yes,” Yuri whispers and he honestly can’t say what exactly he’s asking for. Either. Both. “Please.” He’ll beg if that’s what it takes.

Viktor takes a sudden step back, and Yuri almost falls forward. “I’m married, Yuri.” There is a lot of accusation in his voice for someone who, just a second ago, had talked like he had jumped straight out of a porn film.

“It didn’t matter last night,” Yuri cries out. “You’d have fucked me last night if you didn’t have to-” He stops because had to throw up in a trash can doesn’t sound very sexy. “If you could have! You’d have done it!”

“I was drunk, Yuri. Very, very drunk. Too much vodka will do that to a man, kotyenok. It’s nothing personal.” It still feels fucking personal.

“Why do you always choose him,” Yuri asks, trying to stay calm. “Why is it always him?”

“He’s my husband, Yuri.” His ring sparkles in the low light of the street lights. There is no apology in his voice. “I love him.” Yuri gets it, he does, but it’s not the answer he is looking for.

“And what about me?” Yuri knows he sounds lost and desperate and so fucking needy, that he’s embarrassed, just by hearing his voice, but he can’t help it. “Am I nothing?”

“Of course, I love you, Yurochka. That’s not the problem.” Victor laughs. “You’re cute when you’re crying,” he says, after a moment of quiet. “I never noticed that.”

“I’m not crying!” His voice breaks in the middle of the lie and Viktor has the guts to just keep smiling. “I’m not crying, you asshole!” The tears are flowing more freely now, down his cheeks and staining his jumper. “Just tell me what you want! I can be anything you want. Just- please!” He’s begging now and he can’t help but feel shame rushing through him. All of this, the crying, the shouting, the begging, it feels so wrong and it’s making Yuri lightheaded. “I just want to be good enough for you,” Yuri whispers. “Why am I never good enough?”

“Oh, Yuri,” Viktor says and then he pulls Yuri into a tight hug. “It’s not about being good enough. We two just don’t belong together, that’s all. You know that.

"But I want it,” Yuri whispers, pressed against Viktor’s chest. “It’s all I want.” Kissing, killing or destroying Viktor, at some point it had all become the same thing.

“You will find someone else,” Viktor says carelessly, his tone of voice a strong contrast to his words. “And you will love him much more than you love me and he will make you so very happy. Just imagine it: Going out for dinner and dancing, you could wear those nice lace panties and he’ll get all red and blushy when you tell him about them. He won’t be able to take his eyes off you.” Viktor chuckles and Yuri can’t help but giggle, tears still flowing down his cheeks. “You deserve better than waiting for something that’s never going to happen, Yuri,” Viktor says, his voice serious. “Don’t waste your time.”

Yuri nods, not trusting his voice. His face is still hidden in Victors thick woollen trench coat and he’s thankful for it. He can just imagine what he looks like right now - puffy eyes, red cheeks and mascara all over his face. Stupid girly make-up that’s never as waterproof as it claims to be. He takes a step back and wipes his eyes with the sleeves of his jumper before Viktor can catch a look.

“I don’t look like I cried,” Yuri says and it comes out far more aggressive than intended.

Viktor smiles and nods, but a second later he is using his thumb to wipe some smudged mascara from Yuri’s cheek. For a moment their eyes lock and Yuri stands on the tip of his toes and leans in, just a bit, in a sudden rush of courage and Viktor is looking at his lips, Yuri can see it, just for a second, but then he turns his head, swearing softly. “I can’t, Yurochka. You know that.” His voice is firm, but Yuri can see his resolve waver.

“Just this once?” He can’t keep the hope out of his voice. “Please?”

“Oh Yuri,” Viktor says. “Ask me again in a few years, okay?”

Yuri stays silent, irrational disappointment and embarrassment rushing through him. Then, out of nowhere, Viktor’s soft lips are on his forehead, pressing a chaste kiss on it.

"We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

    -Dr. Seuss

Steve knows that, sometimes, he is wrong. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. And when it happens, Steve tries to fix it. That's why, when Tony sits down at the breakfast table one morning, Steve says: "You know I didn't mean what I said on the helicarrier, right?"

Tony stares at him, seemingly completely perplexed and only half awake. He hasn't had his coffee yet, obviously. "What?"

"On the helicarrier, when I said the stuff about you and the suit, back when we met," Steve says. "I didn't mean any of it. You're a good man and it wasn't right for me to say anything at all because I didn't know you back then. I know that you know that, I just wanted to have said it."

"Okay," Tony says very slowly and looks at Steve like Steve's a bit mad. Maybe Steve is.

When Steve hands him hands him the plate with the pancakes he takes it though and actually eats some, so Steve counts the mission a success, even though neither of them talks for the remainder of their shared breakfast.

Everything is okay afterwards, for a while. Nothing big happens, there are no attacks, no mandatory team meetings and Steve spends a lot of time at SHIELD or on missions, which is probably the reason it takes him so long to notice that Tony is avoiding him.

He is never in a room that Steve is in, not because he leaves, but because they just don't ever seem to even be on the same floor at the same time and when Steve tries to go and find Tony, he has suddenly mysteriously disappeared from wherever he was supposed to be because of urgent Stark Industries business. It's not that doesn't do his job as a team member anymore, he still shows up to the training exercises, but he's Iron Man there and it's not really the same. He still makes them weapons as well, even Steve, but somehow the fittings and testing that had been so important before weren't needed anymore. Not for Steve, at least because he knows that Tony still sees plenty of the other Avengers. It's not fair. Steve misses him.

Steve considers letting it go and just waiting for it to stop, but he had a conversation with Hill the other day about making Iron Man his co-leader and she had asked him whether Tony would like that and Steve realised that he actually has no clue. Letting it go is not an option if it's disrupting the team dynamics. And since getting a hold of Tony has turned out to be impossible, Steve resorted to calling him in for an official Avengers meeting. It's not really fair, but he really needs to talk to Tony. It’s not just because he misses him. It’s not.

"Hey," Tony says as he opens the door to the meeting room. "I'm sorry I'm late guys, but Stark Industries doesn't…" He trails off and for a moment he just stares at Steve, his expression uncertain. Steve does his best to smile encouragingly. He can basically see Tony's face fall, but he only takes one second to collect himself.

"So, it's just me I guess. Great." He doesn't sound like he thinks it is the least bit great. "Let's make this quick, I have a lot to do and this should all be fairly obvious. We both know that SHIELD can't have the suit. It's mine and I'm not handing it over to anyone. If you kick me off the team, Iron Man is off too."

"Tony," Steve interrupts, but Tony goes on like Steve hasn't said anything.

"-I mean the tower technically belongs to the Avengers, so as long as you don't change the name, that's yours in the divorce. See, you get the house and the kids, I don't think that's a bad deal-"

"Tony," Steve says, this time louder.

"- like realistically speaking. You also get to keep all the gear and the jet, you just have to be careful not to break it, because I'm a very busy person and sadly I'll have more important things to do than clean up your-"

"Tony!" Steve shouts and that finally gets Tony's attention. "No one's kicking you off the team. That's not what this is about." Like I would let them kick you off the team, Steve thinks.

"Oh," Tony says. "Good. But then why…"

"You've been avoiding me. I wanted to talk to you." Steve says and it sounds a bit silly now that he says it out loud. Tony and he don't always get to spend a lot of time together. It's normal for them not see each other for a few days when they both have too much to do. Maybe Tony had just been very busy these past few weeks. No reason to call him in and upset him like this, just because Steve misses him.

Tony doesn't answer immediately and for a few seconds, the only sound is the whirring of a printer in the distance and Steve takes a moment to just wholeheartedly hate SHIELD and their paper-thin walls.

"I just can't sometimes, Steve. Okay?" Tony finally says, looking miserable. One look at him and Steve knows that Tony doesn't want him to ask questions but he doesn't understand what Tony is saying. God, he never does.

"I think you need to explain that to me."

"Okay," Tony says slowly and then he looks directly into Steve's eyes for the first time since he entered the room. "Just imagine for a second, that you're not perfect. You're just a regular guy, okay? And now just imagine you're living with someone who is perfect. The pinnacle of human evolution." Tony laughs nervously. "And that person, he expects everyone to be just as perfect as himself. Not consciously, but-" Tony stops. "Okay, you don't get it, do you?"

Steve really doesn’t.

"Just- Imagine someone is better than you at everything you do together. At everything. Always." Tony looks at him expectantly and Steve nods, more a reflex than an actual acknowledgement of Tony's words. "Okay. And- he always expects you to be just as good as himself. And you never are. Just imagine what that feels like."

"I don't understand," Steve says and he knows his face is one big question mark. "You're saying that - I'm too perfect for you?"

He can see Tony's face fall and this time he doesn't even bother hiding it.

"I'm not making fun of you! I'm just trying- I'm trying to understand, okay?" Steve hurries to explain. He wouldn't make fun of Tony's feelings. He couldn't. Tony is his friend. He likes Tony. A lot.

"I just feel like all I ever do is fail, Steve. And it's a lot to handle sometimes." Tony admits and Steve can see that it costs him great strength to say it. "It's not your fault. I'm working on it, okay?"

It's not often that Steve has absolutely no idea what he should say but if anyone manages to render him, it's of course Tony. It’s always Tony. "You're the smartest person I know." He says because it's the only thing he can think of that at least makes some sense.

Tony blushes, not just a bit, but his face actually goes pink. Steve has never seen Tony blush before. It looks good on him. "What?"

"You don't need to change," Steve says. "We all like you just the way you are, no one expects you to be perfect. You're not failing at anything."

"I-" Tony begins, but then stays silent.

"If it's me who's putting too much pressure on you, then you need to talk to me about that, Tony and I'll try to change. But if it's you, then maybe you just need to cut back a bit. Take a break."

"It's not that." Tony looks frustrated. "It's not work or Avengers business, it's just that-" He takes a deep breath like he's bracing himself for what's to come. "You remember when you apologised for the helicarrier thing?"

Steve nods and gets a small smile in return.

"You said I was a good man. And I'm not. I'm really not, but I'm okay with that, I'm trying to make up for my mistakes and I'm great at what I'm doing at the moment. So, when you say stuff like that, it's like this whole world of possibilities opens up and it's all right in front of me, but still out of reach. It's hard." Tony pauses. "And it hurts." He finally admits.

Steve's doesn’t know what to say to that. They aren't best friends, Tony and him, not really anyway, and Tony has many, many times, proclaimed how little he trusts Steve. And still, here he is, pouring out his soul to Steve. Laying it bare, open, for Steve to do as he wishes. Just months ago, Steve's first thought would have been about using this information, this trust, to better control Tony, but now all he can think about is, that Tony doesn't think he's a good person and it's Steve's fault too.

"You're a good man," Steve says and he doesn't sound nearly as calm as he would like. "You're a hero, you put your life on the line to help others. Your mistakes don't define you, Tony. Nobody is perfect, not you, not Natasha, not Thor and definitely not me, but we all try and we do our best and that's what makes us good people. Not that we've only ever done good, but that we try to make up for the bad." He needs Tony to understand. A part of Steve, the very primal and unreasonable part of him, just wants to shout at Tony and shake him until Tony understands that he's a good person, he's one of the best people Steve's ever known and nothing in this world will change his mind on that.

"You're the most perfect person I know," Tony says lightly, but Steve sees the careful smile and maybe Tony understands, after all. Maybe he gets what Steve's saying.

"I'm stubborn and a terrible liar."

"Yeah, but on you, it's kind of hot," Tony says and Steve's heart skips a beat. Tony doesn't mean it that way, he knows that Tony flirts like he breathes - constantly and unconsciously. It's still very close to something Steve wants, desperately wants, but can't have.

"Shit," Tony says when Steve doesn't react. "I'm sorry- I thought, maybe…" He trails off and Steve can see his hands clenching nervously, and he's actually nervous, he cares, Steve's mind tells him. Say something! "Can you not tell Fury I said that? Or Natasha?" Tony asks and Steve opens his mouth to say something but no sound comes out.

"Yes." Steve finally manages, unreasonably proud of managing a one-syllable word. The peak of human evolution. Yeah, right.

"Good," Tony says and he sounds relieved and disappointed at the same time. He turns around and reaches for the door and Steve has to stop him because it's not that kind of yes, and he doesn't know how to say it.

"No, I mean- I, maybe- You-" Steve stutters and he can feel himself go red as a tomato. He can't believe he's actually doing this.

"Yes?" Tony turns back around and he sounds hopeful, just a tiny bit, which means that he gets what Steve's trying to say - which is great, considering Steve isn't really sure what he's trying to say.

"Yes," Steve says because apparently his vocabulary is now limited to one-syllable words and incoherent babbling. He can't think when Tony is looking at him like that.

"So, we could, you know, get dinner. If you wanted." Tony sounds nervous too and Steve wants to say yes so badly. You don't even know which one the fish knife is, the voice in his head says. He's a billionaire, where would you even take him? You'll embarrass yourself in the first 5 minutes and you won't get a second chance for this.

"I don't think, I can," Steve says and while he's desperately trying to find a good way of saying I'm scared I'll mess this up because I have no clue what I'm doing, Tony's come to his own conclusion.

"Oh- Yeah, okay. Sorry." Why is Tony apologising? Steve is pretty sure that Tony isn't the one who's sending mixed signals here.

"It's not what you think! I like you a lot, Tony, but-" Tony interrupts him and what is it with Tony that he always assumes he knows what Steve's about to say. He's starting to make a habit out of it and he's never right anyway.

"You're not gay, I get it. It's fine, my mistake. I won't let it mess with the whole team dynamics thing-"

"Bisexual," Steve says and surprisingly that actually stops Tony's babbling.

"What?"

"I'm bisexual," Steve repeats. He googled that and he's quite proud of figuring it out on his own. Not that he hadn't known back in the 40's, there were only so many boners you could get in inappropriate situations before you figure that stuff out, but now he had a word for it other than wrong.

"So, it is me?" Tony asks and this conversation is really going in the wrong direction.

"Yes!" Steve says and Tony's expression gets even more pained. Wrong answer. "No! I mean- I like you. I would like to go out with you, I really want to, but it's been a long time and so much has changed and I don't know how to do any of this." Steve finally admits. It feels good to have said it.

"Oh," Tony says and he smiles. "That's okay. We don't have to- We can go slow. There is a nice Italian restaurant, a few blocks from the tower, it's small and private and it wouldn't have to be a big deal. You can hold the door open for me and I'll choose a nice wine and we'll just see how it goes if you want."

"Yes," Steve says and this time it's the right answer because Tony smiles and he gets tiny wrinkles around his eyes and that shouldn't be as attractive as it is. Bucky had them too and Steve can't even put into words how glad he is that it doesn't hurt to think about that. He's done looking back and maybe this can be his new start.